Confused by that statement, Jordan couldn’t help but question Tash further. “What are you talking about? That sounds like psychiatric mumbo jumbo to me.”
Tash laughed, his hazel eyes sparkling with amusement. “I am a psychiatrist, remember? The mumbo jumbo, as you call it, is what I do.” He gave Jordan’s hand a quick squeeze. “You have to learn to define yourself by your own accomplishments. What other people think of you shouldn’t matter. You think you’re responsible for your friends’ happiness, but you aren’t.”
“But—”
“Uh-uh.” Tash gripped Jordan’s hand harder. “In this caseI’mthe doctor, and you need to listen to me. Now this is how it’s going to go down. I’m going to get you detoxed and be on call for you 24–7 for the week. Then you’ll be in a recovery program, which I run. But none of this will happen unless you admit to yourself first and then your friends that you have a problem. That’s the first step in recovery.”
Things were happening at a breakneck pace, and Jordan found himself teetering on the edge of losing control. “What about my job, the clinic? I’m letting everyone down because I’m too fucking weak to control myself.”
“Jordan. Listen to me. You have an addiction. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. But if you don’t get a handle on it, you could die. You can’t practice medicine while under the influence of drugs. I’m surprised you’ve been able to do it for as long as you have.”
“I thought I could handle it. I made sure never to operate if I took pills beforehand. I wouldn’t put my patients in jeopardy.” Hot with humiliation, Jordan rubbed his eyes. “I’ve been trying to cut down, but it hasn’t been easy.”
“I know.” Tash’s sympathetic smile had the effect of making Jordan feel worse. “That’s the nature of an addiction. You believe you’ll be okay and can do it alone, yet the craving never goes away, does it?” The knowing hazel gaze pinned Jordan.
“No,” Jordan whispered. “Every time Lucas would tell me how proud he was that I’d kicked the habit, it only made me more anxious because I knew I was lying to him, and I’d end up taking another pill.”
“So what do you say? Are you ready to tell everyone? Are you ready to beat this? I have faith in you. I know you can do it.”
But Jordan had a few questions of his own. “Why are you taking such an interest in me? We really don’t know each other. I only know your sister because she works for Lucas.”
The good humor faded from Tash’s exceptional hazel eyes, leaving them dark and haunted.
“Let’s say I won’t allow another person I see drowning get swept away without helping him.”
“Sounds ominous.”
“It can be,” Tash admitted, a sad smile passing over his lips, coming as quickly as it disappeared. “But I know what to look for now, and I won’t let you sink. I’ll be your lifeline if you let me.”
Tash’s hand still held his, and Jordan had no desire to let go. There was no sexual desire or hidden innuendo in Tash’s touch, merely a refuge from the storm that had been battering Jordan’s body and soul for months now. It wasn’t until he’d been pummeled so hard he could barely stand that Jordan realized the terrible burden that had been weighing him down.
“I want to be normal again.” Jordan’s voice caught on the dryness of his throat as he held on tight to Tash’s hand. “I’m so ashamed to have allowed myself to sink this low. I’ve risked my friendships, my career, and now my relationship with Lucas—the most important thing of all.”
“How is that going to be affected by your treatment? Won’t Luke be supportive and help you get through it?”
Had he told Lucas from the beginning, Jordan wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes. But now, he couldn’t be so sure. He shook his head. “I don’t know. I might have screwed up so badly that the relationship is beyond redemption at this point.” Pain seared his chest as if he’d been branded with an open flame.
“I’d have to believe someone who loved you would stand by you and understand your confusion.”
Jordan nodded but was unable to raise his gaze from the floor. He watched the patterns of the sunlight dance across the black tiled floor. “Lucas had no parents, so growing up, he looked to Ash as his hero. When Ash left them, it crushed Lucas, and he withdrew into himself.” Jordan swallowed against the rising lump in his throat, remembering the pain in Lucas’s voice as he spoke of his past. “I still don’t understand what happened that he ended up in a hospital, but when it was time for him to be released, his foster parents and remaining foster brother, Brandon, had left town without a trace.”
“He’s been on his own a long time,” Tash remarked, his voice contemplative. “Yet you think he’d leave you right when you need his support so desperately?”
Jordan shrugged and withdrew his hand from Tash’s grasp. “It’s because he’s been on his own for so long. He doesn’t need anyone.”
Tash huffed out a humorless laugh. “Don’t fool yourself, Jordan. We all need someone.” His eyes grew slightly unfocused, as if he was looking inside himself and wasn’t too happy with what he saw. “There are those nights when the dark is so black and thick, you can’t see yourself, and all you wish for is someone to hold on to. So you reach across those empty sheets of silence, groping and grasping, hoping you’ll touch something, anything warm and alive. But once again you come up cold.”
Jordan stared wide-eyed at Tash, a little shocked at the naked pain on his face. “Tash, are you all right?” Without hesitation, he reached across the table and covered the man’s slightly shaking hand. It was cold and clammy to the touch, although the coffee shop was warm from the heat and the crowd of people.
Jordan’s touch must have startled Tash, for he blinked and let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, sure. I’m fine.” But he didn’t let go of Jordan’s hand, and strangely enough, Jordan didn’t mind. It was a solid hand, with strong fingers. They sat in companionable silence.
Before Jordan could question Tash about the detox treatment and the specifics of what it would entail, a shadow fell over their table, blocking the sunlight streaming in from the large windows that faced the street. Jordan glanced up, and to his shock, Lucas stood outside. Jordan’s heart kick-started, slamming in hard, painful beats. Lucas wasn’t staring at his face, however. Instead, his eyes were fixed on the tabletop, where Jordan’s and Tash’s hands remained clasped, fingers entwined. Lovers’ hands, to the casual observer.
Shit. Jordan pulled his hand away and half stood, ready to bolt out of the coffeehouse, but Lucas had already taken off down the street, so to chase him would be pointless. Jordan dropped back into his chair. Life couldn’t possibly get any worse than it was right at this moment, could it?
Chapter Seventeen
Pain radiated through Luke as he ran down the street. He hadn’t a clue where he was going but knew he needed to put distance between himself and what he’d seen. He’d never thought Jordan would replace him so easily, yet there it was, the irrefutable truth shoved in his face in the mocking, cheerful sunlight. He’d been ready to do it, tell Jordan he loved him, and give away a piece of himself for the first time, when all along, it seemed he’d been played for a fool.
