“I said now. Let’s go. It’s already past nine, and you should’ve been in bed already. Shut it down yourself, or I’ll do it for you.”
They glared at each other for a second; then Jacks relented and slowly typed out a message to one of his friends and powered the computer off. Without a word, he stood and walked away.
“I hope you aren’t mad at me, but if you’re going to start using the computer, we’ll need to set some house rules for its use.” Carter followed Jacks up the stairs and to the bathroom, where Jacks wordlessly took his toothbrush and began to brush his teeth.
“I’m glad you’re making friends, Jacks, but I’m not going to let them change our schedule and way of doing things around here.” Carter sat on the edge of the bathtub while Jacks spit and rinsed his mouth, then washed his face and hands. “We can adjust things, but that doesn’t mean you get to decide how and when you do your homework and therapy and go to bed.”
“Everyone else goes to bed later; why can’t I? I’m going to be eleven soon.”
The doctor had told him Jacks’s independence day would come, but living it far exceeded the anticipation.
“We haven’t really talked much about these new friends of yours. You’re having fun, right?”
The smile lighting up Jacks’s face told Carter everything he needed to know, yet he wanted to hear the words from his brother’s lips.
“So much fun. Henry’s my best friend.” Jacks turned to meet his eyes. “And he said I was his yesterday at school.” He bit his lip. “I never thought I’d have any friends, ’cause I’m so short and didn’t talk a lot.”
Everything Carter had worked for these past three years couldn’t have prepared him for this moment. It was like a punch in his stomach to hear his brother’s voice, still somewhat babyish yet struggling to find its strength.
“What made you start talking?”
“I wanted to make friends. I wanted the kids to like me.”
All along, Carter had been living a lie because he claimed to never be swayed in matters of the heart. But listening to Jacks talk proved him wrong. The pain in his chest could only be caused by his heart breaking.
“So you always could talk, you chose not to, huh?”
After a split-second hesitation, Jacks nodded.
“Why, buddy? Do you feel like you can tell me?” Carter didn’t want to push, but he wanted to know.
Jacks didn’t answer for a moment. “Cause Mommy said I shouldn’t. I was really sick when I was little and missed lots of school. She’d get so mad at me when she had to take me to the doctor all the time and get my medicine. Lots of time she forgot and then would get mad when I’d get really sick and have to go to the hospital.”
Spots danced before his eyes; only then did Carter remembered to breathe.
Jacks continued in a monotone voice. “She told me I was too much trouble and to shut up, that no one wanted to hear me complaining if I didn’t feel good, especially her boyfriends.” His voice got small and tight, as if he fought not to cry and it took all of Carter’s fortitude not to hug him close and make the pain go away. Instead he continued to listen to Jacks’s poignant story.
“We moved so much and I used to get scared going to new schools, but she and her boyfriends would make fun of me. When I stopped talking, she stopped yelling at me, so I figured it was better that way. After a while, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. None of the kids I ever went to school liked me anyway so it didn’t matter.”
“But,” Carter prodded gently, “how come you didn’t start talking when you came to live with me?”
When several seconds ticked by and he didn’t answer, Carter squeezed his shoulder.
“It’s okay, buddy. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“Mommy said I shouldn’t. That if I was loud or got in your way…” Jacks’s voice trailed off and he traced the drops of water in the sink with his fingertip.
“What?” said Carter. “I won’t get mad, promise.”
“She said you’d get mad and send me away to live with a strange family.”
Goddamn her.
“Even after all this time you think that?” Shocked, Carter turned Jacks around to face him. “You know I love you, don’t you? I love you more than anything. More than myself.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t know that at first. You were always tired and upset, so I stayed quiet. I wanted to stay so bad but I didn’t know you. So I didn’t talk. I was used to it, so it was easy.”
Taking a deep breath, Carter took a moment to gather his thoughts.Easy now. This could mean everything.
