“I—don’t know…” Carter turned and braced his hands on the desk, his back toward Reed. “You don’t understand.”
“Help me to, then.” Reed laid a hand on Carter’s back, feeling not only the power in his shoulders but the dampness of sweat and distress. “I won’t run away. Talk to me and let me try, if I can.”
In a television show or movie, Carter would turn around with a smile and they’d kiss and everything would fall into place. Life didn’t imitate art, however, and Carter remained facing the desk, unyielding and silent, incapable of opening up to give Reed what he needed.
So in the end this visit had proved useless, and Reed would be damned if he’d humiliate himself any further.
“I see.” He heaved a sigh, then walked over to his chair and picked up his knapsack, which lay discarded on the floor. “You know, I thought you were the smart one. You have it all; money, your own business, and that enviable confidence I always wished I had.” He hefted the knapsack to his shoulder and put his hand on the doorknob. “But now I see how wrong I was. You’re no better than me and probably worse.”
He opened the door. “At least I know what I want and I’m not afraid to admit it.” Without waiting for a response he left Carter’s office, closing the door behind him with a thump.
Chapter Twelve
‡
Aweek hadpassed, and he’d heard nothing from Reed, but realistically Carter didn’t expect to. From the way Reed left it between the two of them, he’d made it clear that unless Carter acknowledged the existence of their as-yet-to-be-discussed relationship and made more time for the two of them, Reed wanted no part of Carter.
He soldiered through the days like always, signing a few big contracts that normally would have him feeling good about life but instead brought him little joy. All Carter thought about were Reed’s parting words and that final, devastating kiss, so filled with desire and passion he swore he still tasted it on his tongue. For all his seeming naiveté, Reed had nailed who Carter was—a fraud. Better off without someone whose wise eyes so easily pierced his shield.
That didn’t stop his dreams from betraying him. Carter dreamed of Reed, in a world that didn’t exist for him. A world awash with color instead of grayness. One of joyful noise, not the great dark void he lived in.
Fuck it. Carter swept a file off his desk, sending reams of paper fluttering to the floor, and rested his head in his hands. He didn’t need anyone. He had Jacks, and his brother’s welfare came before anything and anybody. Sex he could find anywhere. He only had one family, and Carter was determined not to let his little brother down.
In fact, he wanted to see if Helen had found out why Jackson had such trouble sleeping lately. The pediatrician told him to keep a chart of Jacks’s sleep habits and to let them know if there were any other changes in his daily routine.
He picked up the phone and called Helen.
“Carter? Is everything okay?”
“Yes, of course. I wanted to know if you’d gotten any information from the school that might shed some light on Jacks’s sleep problems. The nightmares haven’t gone away.”
“I have a call in to the head administrator. As soon as she gets back to me, I’ll let you know.”
He knew he could count on her. Helen had never let him or Jacks down.
“Thanks. I don’t mean to push, but…”
“You want to find out if anything’s upsetting him, I understand. I do too. But to put your mind at ease a bit, I stayed for a while after drop off and the new boys Jacks has made friends with have introduced him to other children, which I personally think is good for him.”
Alarm surged through him. “Who are they? Are they nice kids?”
“Very nice. Henry and David you know, and there is another boy and two girls; they all live within half a mile of us here. It’s a good sign.”
Helen’s words didn’t reassure him. “Maybe they’re teasing him or treating him badly. What do we really know about what’s going on?”
“Carter, stop. You’re being ridiculous.”
Was he? Maybe. He had no basis for comparison. Raising a child had never been in his plan; he had no idea what he was doing. And a child with disabilities? He had no fucking clue if he was doing it right or wrong. All he knew was to give Jacks his love, and security, and do everything he could to protect him from the world.
“But how do we know? I don’t want him hurt.”
“Oh, Carter, life isn’t always going to be kind, you know that. And Jacks is a pretty resilient kid, for all his problems. I think he’s ready to take this step, and you have to let him, even if it means stumbling a little. I see how much he wants these friends.”
“I’m smothering him, is what you’re saying.”
“I don’t think—Wait. I have another call. Maybe it’s the school. I’ll call you back.”
The phone went dead in his hands, and Carter stood scowling. It was how Lucy found him when she opened the door.
