Several moments passed before the tightness in Reed’s throat eased, allowing him to swallow. Reed finally raised his eyes to meet Carter’s, which to his surprise gazed back at him, soft with understanding.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
Liar,but now was not the time for a true confession to his screwed-up mental state.
“Don’t worry about it. I used to feel like that when I took debate class in school.” The tiniest hint of a smile broke through. “I’d want to throw up in the bathroom right before class.”
“I can’t imagine anyone winning an argument against you. You’re pretty persuasive.”
Carter’s eyes dimmed. “I couldn’t win you over. You left.”
Reed set his cup on the desk, then hitched his chair around to face Carter, and the rush of words exploded before he had a chance to think. “I left because I can’t be your shadow lover anymore. I’m sorry I misled you, and I really thought I’d be able to do it, but when you brushed me off like that in front of those people, it hurt me. Badly. More than I thought it would.”
He stopped, and Carter took his hand. “Feel better now?”
“A little. But not enough.”
The sound of his breathing filled the room. Carter dropped his hand.
“What do you want from me? I can’t make you promises.”
“I’m not asking for forever. I’m looking for respect from the man I’m sleeping with. But it all comes down to you.”
Reed watched Carter’s jaw work but couldn’t stop and pressed onward.
“We have something, something more than physical, at least. I know you’ve felt it.”
At that, Carter smiled and slid his hands up Reed’s thighs toward his crotch. “I love feeling you.”
Annoyed, Reed moved away from Carter to stand in front of the immaculate desk and looked down at him as he spoke. He’d expected this response and was prepared. “Don’t make a joke of my feelings. I get you have a very private side; I’m not saying you have to introduce me to the family and invite me over for barbecues. But like I said before, I’m not your dirty secret to hide away in hotel rooms and never think about except for those two weekend nights. I deserve more than that and so do you.”
“I can’t give you more than one weekend a month; I’m sorry.”
The tightness in his chest released a bit. “You’ve made that clear enough from the beginning. But I won’t be with someone who’s cheating on a wife or another lover.”
“I’m not; I’ve told you before I don’t have a wife.” Carter closed in on him, pinning him to the desk. “I barely have time for myself; there is no wife, husband, or other lover. There’s only you. And I have no fucking idea what to do about it.” Carter held him close, and his misgivings melted away.
How could it be wrong when Carter’s arms around him made everything right in his world?
“It’s become more than sex for me, Carter. I can’t lie to you.”
Reed found it hard to breathe, never mind talk, with Carter’s lips so close to his. This wasn’t panic or anxiety, though. This was something new and wondrous, leaving him shaking in the aftermath of realization.
Love.
“I don’t want you to lie, and I’m not lying either when I tell you I was fucking miserable thinking of someone else touching you.” Carter leaned him back over the desk, his chest pressing against Reed’s, and there it was again; that furious pounding of Carter’s heart that told Reed everything he needed to know, even if Carter didn’t understand it himself.
Reed kept his thoughts to himself, knowing now was not the time. “That didn’t happen; it couldn’t. I don’t want anyone else. Do you?”
The harsh lines around Carter’s mouth deepened with his frown. “No. I want you. I want you right now as a matter of fact. So fucking bad. Do you feel it?”
“Yeah.” Reed reached down and traced the bulge of Carter’s erection through the fine wool of his trousers, feeling it twitch and thicken beneath his fingers, and thought how easy it would be to take Carter in his mouth and give him pleasure. Instead, he caught Carter’s face between his hands and took his mouth hard, pouring everything he couldn’t put into words into his kiss. Carter moaned his approval, his hands roaming, pulling up Reed’s sweater to splay against the naked skin of his back.
So fucking good. Reed wanted to give in right then and bend over that desk, but he refrained, knowing if he did it this time, Carter would come to expect these types of “visits.” Reed wanted more, and not without regret, pulled away.
“Next time we see each other it will happen, but it won’t be over a desk in your office. Can you try to find the time to be together more than only one weekend a month?”
Carter leaned against the desk and wiped his mouth, slanting a haunted look of regret at Reed. His tie lay pulled off center, and his now wrinkled shirt had come untucked from his suit pants. Those full lips Reed couldn’t get enough of pouted, red and kiss-swollen, and his silvery eyes drooped, heavy-lidded with lust. He looked beautiful but broken, and Reed ached to hold him.
