Dr. Childs had been with him through his teenage years of doubt and angst when he questioned everything—his mother’s abandonment, being gay, and sometimes why he was even born at all.
“We do. I trust you more than anyone else.” He’d opened up to her about his relationship with Mason and how hurt he’d been over the name-calling and their breakup. It was Dr. Childs he turned to, to help him understand his problems weren’t his fault; that the panic attacks and his hyperactivity weren’t shameful. They were a part of him, like a patchwork quilt. And if he became a bit undone every once in a while, he had her to help teach him how to piece himself back together.
“I used to wish you were my mom.” He fiddled with his hair, directing his gaze once again to the ugly carpeting. “I hope I never do anything stupid to make you leave me.”
“Oh, Reed.” Her comforting, gentle hug reassured him like it always did, that unlike his mother, she’d always be there for him. “I’ll never leave you even when you no longer need to see me on a professional basis.” She took off her glasses to discreetly wipe her eyes, then replaced them.
“But you can’t still think your issues led to her leaving your family. You know it had nothing to do with you, your diagnosis, or anything other than her own problems she wasn’t willing to face. I see how far you’ve come and how strong you are now. You’ll never go back to being that sad, scared young man again. Don’t fall back into that way of thinking.”
In his heart Reed desperately wanted to believe her words; heknewshe was right and being older should make it easier, not harder to get through each day. And he had so many successes to look back on; he was at the top of his class, had a steady job and a handsome, fascinating lover. On the outside he lived a wonderful life. Inside, however, Reed could never quite let go of the feeling he was a complete mess, a fraud, and unworthy of happiness.
“I don’t know.” He picked at a rough cuticle, almost welcoming the sharp spurt of pain. “If I was normal—”
“Youarenormal.” Her sharp tone jerked his attention back to her face, drawn tight now with uncharacteristic anger. “There’s nothing that says everyone is supposed to be like everyone else—you are not meant to be a cookie-cutter stamp of another person. We’re all a compilation of chemistry and biology and that indefinable quality that makes each one of us unique and special in our own way. That includes our physical and psychological makeup. But what we all have in common is the universal need to be loved and accepted for who we are. And you will find that one day, with the right person.”
Thinking on all Dr. Childs said, Reed remained silent. She cupped his jaw, forcing him to look her directly in the eyes. “You know I trust you to make the right decisions. What do you know about Carter? Have you looked online to find out anything about him or his background? I worry about you being in a physical relationship with a person who has no public footprint or connection. These days I know my grandchildren tell me that’s the first thing they do before they go on a date, almost as much for safety reasons as for social history. You have a right to know who the person is that you’re sleeping with, Reed. For your own protection if nothing else.”
Reed wondered, if he’d had a mother or grandmother like her in his life growing up, would he be as screwed up as he was today?
“Carter doesn’t have a Facebook or any real social media presence aside from his business. I didn’t dig too deep ’cause I thought it would be a little creepy. But I think he has a child.” He stopped there, feeling somehow as if he’d let Carter down by revealing this, even if it was only to his doctor.
“A child? Do you think he’s married and cheating on his wife?”
“He said no, but I don’t know for certain. I don’t think he’s lying to me.”
The skeptical quirk of her brow left no doubt as to her opinion. “And how are you handling this? I know you—is this affecting your sleep and ability to focus in class? You’re taking your medications as prescribed, correct?”
Not exactly. Abandoning the decision he’d made at the skating rink to take his medication properly, over the past few weeks Reed once again made several attempts to slowly wean himself off the pills, this time by lowering the dosage, not going off the meds cold turkey. That mistaken text he’d received disturbed him, not so much for the fact that Carter might have a child from a previous relationship, but that he refused to speak to him about it, or share anything personal. It wore him down and Reed once again listened to the voices whispering in his ear,Not good enough…never good enough.He didn’t tell Dr. Childs since he already knew she’d disapprove.
This time his body reacted more slowly, and Reed felt quietly optimistic, only to have his confidence shattered when the familiar side effects kicked in. The loss of focus coupled with his inability to stick to one task was the worst; he couldn’t even read a book without the smallest noise or something else distracting him. Reluctantly and almost tearfully, Reed once again began his regimen of pills, but this time, he didn’t recover as quickly. Perhaps the on-again, off-again dosages wreaked havoc with his system; he’d begun to suffer from terrible insomnia, worse than ever. He barely slept at all, and spent half the night questioning whether he was worth Carter’s time or if he should even continue with school.
Already knowing her disapproval and what she’d say to him from the last time, Reed chose to keep it to himself rather than discuss it with Dr. Childs. He figured as an adult he should be capable at this point to handle his own problems without rushing to the doctor every time the slightest thing bothered him.
“I’m fine; everything’s good.”
Even worse than lying to his doctor, was the lying to himself. His fear of needing an increase in his dosage fed into his anxiety, eating away at his nerves from the inside out, causing him to question everything and second-guess all his decisions. Late at night he’d lie awake, listening to the traffic noises slowly fade as the hours ticked by until only his heartbeat steadily thumping broke the silence.
Never the fool, Dr. Childs’ all too knowing gaze pierced right through him to that place he didn’t let anyone touch; the one full of ugliness and self-doubt; that black and lonely place where a child still sat and waited for his mother to come back and tell him she never meant to leave and that she loved him.
“Really.”
His wide smile obviously satisfied her for the moment, and she returned to her chair behind her desk. Inwardly he sighed with relief while shame at lying to one of the few people he cared about and trusted choked him. He really was a shit to lie to her.
As if she could read his mind, she peered over her glasses once again to speak directly to him. “It’s not uncommon, you know, for medications to need adjustment as you grow older. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t need an adjustment; don’t think you need to keep things from me out of fear. It doesn’t mean you’re not progressing; I can’t stress enough how well you’re doing.”
“Except for my love life.” He laughed and stood, hefting his backpack onto his shoulder.
“Once again, that’s your choice. You have as much power in this arrangement as Carter does; remember that. Don’t let him ride roughshod over you.”
“I won’t. I gotta go.”
He ducked his head and hurried out so she couldn’t see his hot cheeks. A wave of desire hit him strongly at the thought of riding Carter like he did their last weekend together. Every sexual experience with Carter left a lasting impression on him. Two weeks later and he still recalled the fullness and the stretch of Carter being inside him, but it was all worth it. He literally tore the sheets he’d twisted in his hands. More amused than angry, Carter had caught him by the wrists, ripped the ruined sheets into pieces, and bound him to the bed where he spent hours sexually teasing him until Reed begged for Carter to fuck him. Laughing at his plight, Carter kissed him with surprising tenderness then untied him and they made such sweet and passionate love, their bodies moving together in perfect synchronicity until Reed lay boneless, too exhausted to do anything but smile.
The elevator doors opened, and he smiled automatically at the people as they moved to the back. He’d finished his classes for the rest of the day and now had to go to the bar to start on the backlog of paperwork Vernon had waiting for him. Exiting the building, Reed stood for a moment while the crowds hurried past him, jealous of all the people around him who had someone they could count on in their lives, then headed off to work.
***
Seven hours later,Reed blew out an exhausted breath. It was inexplicably busy at the bar tonight, and his feet were killing him. Guess he could blame it on the good weather. He was starving, having skipped lunch and forgotten about dinner, and so tired from lack of sleep the past week, his ass was seriously dragging. Plus, the bar was filled with happy couples who couldn’t keep their hands and lips off each other. It reminded him again of how alone he was despite having Carter in his life.
