Bonnyset the tray down on the kitchen counter and started moving around it like she’d been here many times before. The jealousy I felt melted away, and suddenly, I wanted to take her hand and squeeze it.
“Hi,” she said to Nazzareno. “I don’t think I caught your name, but I’ve heard you’re Ava’s husband from Sonny.”
He gave her his name and held out his hand. She shook it and smiled, asking if he could help her set up lunch. He nodded, then looked at me. I nodded. Even though he started to do whatever she asked of him, I could feel his eyes on me.
With a deep breath that I slowly exhaled, I took small steps toward my dad, stopping when I got to the edge of the room. He must have sensed someone, and he turned, maybe expecting Bonny. His face was almost expectant. Then it hardened, even though…looking at it with what felt like different eyes, it was more guarded.
“Hi.” I waved.
“Ava?”
“It’s me.”
He nodded.
We stared at each other.
Another shuddering breath, and I pointed in the room, asking permission to enter. His eyes narrowed and he gave a slow nod.
Why did I feel like such a kid again? Except in a big way, I didn’t.
As a kid, I would have charged into this room once I understood the complexity of adult emotions, jumped into his arms, cried into his neck, and asked him to make it all better.
As an adult, though, I took guarded steps toward him, containing the careless vulnerability that comes with childhood.
I stopped next to his chair, watching the screen play an old black and white show. “Still watchingThe Honeymooners, huh?” The tremble in my voice couldn’t be hidden.
He grabbed his beer and took a sip of it. “Yeah.” His voice was full of gravel, and he actually gave ayeahinstead of ayep.
I laughed at Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden gave his famous line, “To the moon, Alice, to the moon!”
It was nervous laughter to release some of the tension. I was doing my best to stay on my feet. I felt weak, like I hadn’t eaten, but Nazzareno had packed me full of protein before we’d left.
Dad’s face turned slowly to mine, like he’d never heard me laugh before. It had probably been a good minute. I never gave him the time of day before I left, and if I did, I was so mean.
“I’m nervous, okay,” I admitted. “It feels like I haven’t talked to you since…well, you remember.”
He nodded.
“The nurse at the hospital said you came to see me,” I blurted. “Why?” I knew the answer, but I felt like I had to get him talking or I would never get through this.
“You’re my daughter.”
A lump formed in my throat, and I had to clear it. “I’m sorry…dad.”
He sat up straighter and his shoulders stiffened. Maybe he thought I was about to tell him I was dying. No. This was about living, which, for some of us, is harder to do, because it’s so much of a risk.
“I know,” I rushed out. “About what Janis did. Luci knows too. She told me.”
He slumped back in his seat, wiped his face, and guzzled down the rest of his beer. “Who told?”
“Luci found the papers. They were packed in some boxes she thought were hers.”Oh God.I stood as still as…whatever couldn’t move, because if it did, it would crack. I barely got out, “That’s why you were at the house the night those men attacked you. You were looking for those papers. You didn’t want us to find them.” It was records from our school, documenting everything they suspected Janis was doing to us.
“I don’t remember.”
He was lying to me, but I didn’t care. “You didn’t know,” I whispered. “You didn’t know what she was doing—"
He held up a hand. “I was to blame. End of story.”
