We ran intoBonny, the neighborwho had visited Sonny in the hospital. She was carrying a tray of what seemed like lasagna. A little jealously rolled through me for some reason. I had to bite down the urge to call her out for the burnt top of the dish.
She eyed us with suspicion. “Are you looking for someone?”
“I’m here to visit my dad,” I said. “Sonny.”
She narrowed her eyes, like she could see me better if she did, and scanned my face. Something in her expression told me she’d connected the dots on deeper inspection. Probably the ones on my nose.
“Ava?”
I lifted my hand and said in a sing-songy voice, “Hi. It’s me. I’m the…”
Nazzareno took my hand down and cleared his throat, probably to stop me from breaking out in song.
“I’m sorry!” She laughed. “I didn’t recognize you!”
“Yeah. I barely recognize me these days either.”
“You look really good.” She smiled. “Sonny will be happy to see it.”
Happy to see it…that was a stretch. My dad didn’t seem to have the facial capacity to find such a range, and given the history of our relationship… Then again, the nurse had told me about his visit in Italy, and I would have never thought he cared that much.
I shook out of my inner dialogue and smiled back at her. “Are you going to see him?”
“I was, but maybe you can take this to him?” She offered me the tray.
“How about we all go in together?”
She seemed reluctant, but when I insisted, she nodded and agreed.
To my surprise, she didn’t even knock, just opened the door with her key and went in. The place was dark, even though it was sunny outside, but the television lit up in short but frequent bursts. It blared from the back room.
Suddenly, I was a kid again, watching the back of his head. I was still waiting for him to take me in his arms, and even when I fought, refuse to let me go.
Maybe because then, I would have known.
I was worth fighting for.
I was worth staying for.
I’d always been jealous of the kids at school who had parents who wouldn’t allow them to do the things I was able to do, like roam the city late at night. They would complain, and I’d complain with them, but deep down, I knew. Their parents cared.
Okay, so maybe Sonny didn’t fight for us, or know how to put his foot down after we’d been robbed of a good mother, but he had stayed, even though he was going through some pretty rough stuff too.
Then I understood what Nazzareno had told me in the car.
“I was not there for your healing, but I will be there for your break.”
Even if it felt like a break to confront Janis, it really was a healing experience, even if a small part of me would never heal. Someday, after she was gone, I’d think back and regretwhat could have been, for me and my sister’s sakes, even if she had made the decision.
But this.
This fucking broke me.
I realized how alone Sunny was in this small place, all his measly things surrounding him. He’d brought his television from our house, and it seemed big, which was something because it was old and just big enough to fit on a small table.
I was thankful that Lilo and Lucila had convinced him to move, though. He would have felt even more alone in our house, surrounded by haunting memories, but no live bodies to chase the ghosts away sometimes.
He didn’t even turn around when we walked in.
