It was not until Arianna was packing up the clothing Jolene had so generously given her that she really thought over what she had confessed to Brian. She suddenly knew why she had felt compelled to tell him such a private, painful truth. It was to see what he would say. He had been encouraging and sympathetic but he had not said the one thing she had ached to hear. He had not told her that it did not matter to him.
“Foolish, foolish woman,” she said, and sat down on the bed, staring blindly at the fine linen shift Jolene had given her.
“Why do you call yourself foolish?”
Arianna jumped a little in surprise and stared at Jolene, idly wondering how people kept managing to sneak up on her. She began to think nearly drowning had damaged her ears. After five years of misery with Claud it was not easy to recall much from the years that had gone before, but she was certain she had not always been so completely unaware of what was happening around her or of who was approaching her.
“Why are you frowning at me?” asked Jolene. “Have I offended you in some way?”
“Och, nay! I was just wondering why I seem to be unable to sense anyone sneaking up on me. Weel, mayhap sneaking is too harsh a word to use. ’Tis just that Brian often comes up to me and I ne’er hear him approach. I didnae have any idea that Lucette was slipping up behind me until it was too late. Now ye are just, weel, just here and I ne’er heard a sound. I am beginning to think I damaged my ears in that cursed water when we had to leap off the ship to save ourselves.”
Jolene laughed as she sat down on the bed. “I doubt that happened. I suspect you simply have so much on your mind, so much to worry about, that your own thoughts often hold you captive.”
Arianna nodded and smiled, all the while fighting hard not to stare at Jolene’s very rounded belly with all the envy she felt. She was happy for Jolene, whom she had liked almost immediately, but her arms ached to hold a child of her own. Although she clearly recalled all Jolene had said in response to her fear of being barren, she wanted to discuss the matter some more but hesitated. Then she decided that Jolene would understand her need to hear such assurances again.
“Jolene, are ye quite certain of the truth of all ye said about how I may nay be barren or were ye just trying to ease my fears?” she asked, and then winced, realizing that she was almost accusing the woman of lying.
“It ne’er hurts to allay a woman’s fears about such a thing, but I was indeed very certain of all I said. I still am, even after thinking over the matter for a while,” replied Jolene. “People always look at the woman first when no child is born. If it takes two to make a babe then ’tis only reasonable to look at both people when no child is born. If a fever or a wound can leave a man as limp as an unwatered flower, then it seems to me such things could also affect the potency of his seed.”
Arianna sat down next to her and nodded. “Verra true. And, as I thought on all ye said, it did seem verra odd to me that Claud ne’er gave me or Marie Anne a child after he and I were married and I quickened that first time. For a mon to be bedding two women for about four years yet never produce a child is something worthy of a few questions.”
“There is a very good chance your body did not hold fast to the babe because there was already a fault in Claud’s seed.”
“Weel, if something happened to him it did so before we were wed and I cannae ask his family about it now.”
“You wish to stay with Brian?”
“Och, aye, but e’en if he wants me, I willnae condemn him to a childless marriage.”
“Then it comes back to ye needing to get with child first.”
“I think I would like to ken for certain that he wants to keep me ere I try to tie him to me with a bairn.” The glimmer of hope Jolene’s assurances stirred within her was almost painful and Arianna had to struggle to keep it from possessing her heart and mind.
“I still say that he does but I understand that you need more than my opinion on that. I think you also need to consider the possibility that he does not think himself worthy of you.”
“Brian has great confidence in himself, can be almost arrogant at times. Why would he think such a thing?”
“His notorious father, his equally notorious family, and the fact that he is a younger son with little coin and no land. No prospect of inheriting anything, either. Men find it difficult to believe that a woman values love over such things. I think they see it all as their responsibility to provide such largesse, not realizing that many of us can be happy with naught but a roof o’er our heads, food enough to stave off starvation, someone strong enough to protect us and whatever children we may be blessed with, and mayhap a new gown now and then so that we are not always wearing rags. And”—she grinned and rubbed her belly—“fat, pretty babes.”
Arianna smiled but then frowned in thought. “’Tis odd to think that Brian, who truly can be arrogant, would worry that he was not worthy of me. ’Tis a shame that I cannae just ask him if that is what is rattling about in his wee monly brain.” She grinned again when Jolene laughed. “I will have to think upon this, to see if there is some way to ken his true feelings without him actually saying anything. I am too much the coward to open my heart to the mon without some hint that he cares, that we share more than desire.”
Jolene stood up and started for the door. “You could start by thinking on how he acted when you were hurt.” She stepped out the door and glanced back at Arianna. “He ne’er left your side.”
It was impossible not to think about it. Arianna could not stop the constant spin of thought in her mind. She could not ignore the signs of caring Brian had shown when she had been injured. The question that had to be answered was whether or not that caring went deep enough. She wanted it to, with all her heart she wanted it to, but she could not be certain.
She had considered Jolene’s suggestion that she simply get with child by Brian but her conscience troubled her over that plan. It was true that what they were doing together made children and he was taking no care to keep from seeding her. However, it was quite another matter to actually consider trying to bind him to her with a child or, worse, hold a child from him if he could not give her what she needed. Her mother would be ashamed of her for even thinking of such a thing.
Arianna rubbed her temples in an effort to push back a slowly forming headache. Her mind had latched onto the possibility that she was not barren and would not let go. In the end it did not matter if she was or was not. All that mattered was trying to decide if she wanted to fight to hold fast to the man she wanted, if she dared. In the end, he could crush her spirit with the simplest rejection far more than Claud had ever done with five long years of constant belittlement.
“Ye are certain they havenae gathered near Scarglas yet?” Brian asked as he paced before Sigimor’s large ledger table.
Sigimor put his feet up on the table and watched his cousin pace his ledger room like a caged beast. “Ye doubt the word of my mon? My mon who also happens to be my cousin?”
Brian cursed and then flung himself into the heavy oak chair to face his cousin over the wide table. “Your men are mostly your brothers or your cousins,” he grumbled. “And, nay, I dinnae doubt his word and weel ye ken it. I just need to be verra sure ere I take Arianna away from the safety of these walls.” He frowned. “Mayhap I should make her stay here until this is done.”
“Ye will fail at that. The lass needs to see those lads. Dinnae forget that I had a lot of trouble with my Jo because she was protecting her nephew. Those wee lads of Arianna’s might be safely tucked behind the walls of Scarglas but someone still means them harm. That lass will nay stop trying to get to them. Ye try to leave her behind and she will find a way to follow ye.”
“Nay if I chain her to the bed.” He exchanged a grin with Sigimor but quickly grew serious again. “She is under as great a threat. I took on the responsibility for her and those lads. It wouldnae be right to leave the guarding of her to ye anyway.”
