Which meant he wasn’t.
Okay. Her whole point in leaving was to make them better than okay. She wanted him to have more than okay.
Every day, she looked for little changes in herself, some sort of proof she’d made the right decision. All things considered, she was doing well. Attending the bereavement group helped a lot. In that community center room, she was able to release all her emotions so they didn’t get the better of her elsewhere.
One of the biggest improvements was she no longer burst into tears upon seeing Lloyd’s photos around her parents’ house. They’d always loved Lloyd, and there were just as many pictures of him on the walls as of her. Her first couple of nights there, Elaine had wandered alone in the darkness, moving from photo to photo, forcing herself to relive each memory. She’d made herself cry in front of each frame, determined to get her grief out of her system.
Was it all working? Maybe. Probably.
However, there was still a tremendous void in her life, and she knew it was Connor.
She wanted him so much her teeth ached.
She was growing stronger every day and had to continue. She’d come this far. When she went to him, and she would, she wanted it to be with a good head on her shoulders and her heart intact.
“Mommy, can we go home?”
“But Annie hasn’t opened her birthday presents yet.”
Layla’s bottom lip protruded. “I know. Can I just give her my present so we can go?”
Elaine ran a hand over her daughter’s hair. She might be willing to punish herself, but she wouldn’t punish her kids. “Sure, baby. Let’s head back to Grandma and Grandpa’s.”
Layla tugged on her sleeve. “No, I mean the cabin. I wanna go back to the cabin. Please, Mommy. I miss Uncle Connor.”
“Oh, Layla.”
“Don’t you miss him?”
“I do. Believe me, I do.”
“Then why are we here?”
Whywerethey there?
With every day apart from him, it was growing harder to answer that question with confidence.
* * * *
“Elaine, honey,” called her mom from her bedroom, “Patsy and the girls are coming over for dinner and cards tonight. Would you mind nipping into town for me and picking up a cherry pie at the bakery?”
“Sure, Mom.”
As Elaine finished washing dishes in the kitchen sink, she caught herself humming a happy tune. She put her sponge down and laughed.
“Really, Elaine,” she scolded herself, teasing, “humming? If you keep this up, no one will recognize you.”
Smiling, she rinsed her hands and grabbed a jacket. The bright sunbeams coming in through the window told her she might not need it after all.
She tossed her jacket to the side. Might as well live dangerously.
When she started humming again, she realized the tune in her head was one Lloyd used to sing around the house. She waited for the heavy oppression to hit, but it didn’t.
That made her smile even harder.
It was happening more and more now. When she thought of Lloyd, she wasn’t stricken by the usual sense of devastation. She still hated that he was gone and would never stop hating it. She still cursed the men who’d killed him with fierce regularity. Despite that, it was becoming easier to dwell on their happy moments, rather than falling into despair as she contemplated her loss.
For the first time in a long time, healing didn’t seem impossible.
