No. Even though this was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, she had to do it. But she would not allow Connor to put his spin on it. He had it all wrong. She had to explain herself better. “Connor, you don’t understand.”
When he looked up, the wildness in his eyes almost broke her. “Educate me.”
“I’m not running away from you.” Her bear howled, already mourning its loss. “I’m leaving because I need to be betterforyou.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Listen to me, please.” She grabbed his hand. He pulled away.Oh, God, he’s pulling away. “The entire time we’ve been together, I’ve been broken. I’ve been in pieces, and it’s only lately I’ve started to mend.Youmended me. But, Connor, I need to learn to be happy again, or I can never be happy with you.”
“I am happy with you.”
“You’re comfortable with me, you’re content with me, but I want to make you deliriously happy.”
“Don’t I get to decide what makes me delirious?”
“Of course, but we’ve both coped with sadness for so long I’m not sure we remember what it’s like to be truly happy. Connor, sometimes I feel like Lloyd got the best part of me. He got the hope and passion and enthusiasm. You got Broken Elaine. You were cheated, and I don’t want to cheat you any longer.”
“But—”
“I don’t want you to havepartof me. I want to be able to give you my whole heart, and not just the part that used to belong to Lloyd. You shouldn’t have to feel second rate. You’re not Lloyd, it’s true, but I never wanted you to be him. He’s gone. You’re alive, and when I tell you I love you, I need you to believe it’s not based on something dead.” She shook her head as tears flew from her eyes. “Look what Royal Hill did to those women. He turned them into replicas of Jinny. Empty, hollow models. I refuse to do that to you.”
“You’re wrong when you say I haven’t been happy. I have.”
“And you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in a long time, but there are still spots of darkness inside me, and I don’t want to spread them to you. Josh says my heart is healed. For that, I’ll always be grateful to you, but I still need to grieve, and I need to do it alone. I can’t ask you to support my grief anymore.”
His lips twitched under his beard as he tried to come up with a rebuttal, so she kissed him. At first, he resisted, keeping his mouth shut, but as their tears mingled on their lips, she slid her tongue against the tight seam. He opened to her on a choking noise, and she claimed his mouth.
Mine, mine, mine. You might not believe it, Connor Church, but you’re mine.
He cursed and pulled away. “Stop. You don’t understand what your kisses do to me.”
Only she did because this one was destroying her.
“I won’t let you kiss me like that and walk away, Elaine. I have some pride left.”
His words lodged in her heart, tearing through the tender flesh. “I’m sorry.”
She waited for his forgiveness, but it never came.
No matter how much he loved her, in this moment he hated her.
She wiped her face, wishing he would wipe it for her. He didn’t. He was too busy looking at her as if she were a tyrant who’d just razed a small village.
“Connor, I swear I’m not leaving you. I’m asking you to give me some time so I can return to you whole.”
“What if you decide you don’t want to come back?”
“I need you to trust that I will. Can you do that for me?”
He swallowed. His gaze fell. As it did, she swore she saw his hope smashing on the floor.
“I don’t know, Elaine.” He was walking away from her. A few more steps took him to the door. Away. From. Her. “I don’t know if I can trust you to come back this time.”
As she grappled with this truth, he threw on his boots and coat. The door to the cabin opened. The night outside framed him, ready to swallow him whole. One look confirmed his anger. The same look sealed her pain.
And then he was gone.
No door had ever felt so closed.
Elaine turned slowly to face the emptiness behind her. She thought the cabin had looked empty before.
She’d been so wrong.
This new kind of empty terrified her. It taunted her with memories old and new, forcing her to remember not only her time with Lloyd but with Connor. So much love. It slammed into her, beating her again and again, until every last moment of pleasure became a thing of pain.
She closed her eyes and allowed misery to drag her into the void.
