Chapter 1
Nikki
The snow blankets everything outside the window, falling in soft drifts through the dark blue sky. Part of me wants to strip off all the layers I had to put on to go out and brave this weather and dive back into my bed. I'm halfway through a book that I would much rather get back to, but Earlier-Nikki made plans to be social. Current-Nikki hates that bitch.
"I'm just so glad you're going to get out with some kids your own age," Mom says from behind the refrigerator. I choose to ignore the fact that she called me a kid. I haven't been a 'kid' since before I grew up, but we don't talk about that. "After everything last year, you've been so isolated. It's not good for you to be so cooped up all the time!"
She emerges from behind the refrigerator at last, brandishing the carton of eggnog with a proud grin. I know she means well.
Shealwaysmeans well.
A year ago, she wouldn't have let me leave the house two days before Christmas, begging me to stay and help wrap gifts for the younger kids. She'd tell me that going out so late with the roads covered in snow was a recipe for disaster, that she wouldworry about me all night if I went out, and then she'd begin crying because she's just so scared to lose me, and I'd relent. It happened a few times, my attempts at teenage rebellion always vanquished by the love for my mother; I never wanted to cause her so much worry.
But I'm not a teenager anymore, and now that I want to stay in, she is so desperate to push me out. Not out of her house, maybe, but out into the world.
It's been 375 days since Noah blew his brains out in the church without so much as telling me goodbye.
He didn't give me the faintest clue that anything was ever wrong, so when he dropped me off at home that evening and kissed my forehead, I never imagined that was the last I'd see him... alive, at least. I did see his body shortly after, and his casket a few days later, in the same church where he chose to end his life. But he was gone. Everything that made himhimdidn't exist anymore.
When all I can offer for mom is a small smile, which falls quickly from my lips, she sighs. "Just try and have fun, okay, sweetie? You deserve that."
I still haven't come up with anything to say by the time the doorbell rings, sparing me from coming up with a response to that. Moxie starts barking and runs to the door, prepared to defend us with all eight pounds of her bodyweight, half of which is surely fur, and the house erupts into chaos as Tommy and Jimmy race each other down the stairs.
"He's here!" Mom says excitedly, rushing out of the kitchen so fast that she forgot to set the eggnog down.
Cici stares at me from where she sits in her highchair, chin stained with pasta sauce and wide eyes straining to see what all the commotion is.
"Yeah." I tell her, scooping her up from her chair and running a dish cloth below the water. "I don't know what all the fuss is about, either."
Mom walks back in with Nick in tow as I'm wiping Cici's chin and prying the last piece of emotional support pasta from her sticky fist so I can clean that too.
"Look who's here." Mom says, as if she didn't know that Nick was coming to pick me up tonight. "And he brought flowers? Isn't that so sweet of him?"
I glance up to see the poinsettia in her hands, the bright red leaves that are a stark contrast to her cream-colored sweater. I don't know how poinsettias came to be associated with Christmas, but I don't quite care. They're hideous.
"It's actually a plant." I tell mom. "It hasn't flowered yet. And the leaves are toxic to dogs, so make sure to keep it out of Moxie's reach."
"Of course." Mom waves away my concerns and sets her new plant down, sweeping Cici into her arms with an exaggerated smile as Nick sets the eggnog down on the counter and grins.
"You look good, Nicolette," Nick says, pulling out my full name, undoubtedly for mom's benefit. She falls for it, hook line and sinker, preening as he moves closer to me, chuckling. "Really good."
Unlike me, Nick moved on after one of our best friends died. He went back to his college and put this town in the rearview mirror and told me to basically get over it, to move on. I think I'm finally ready to move on, and that's exactly what I'm doing... the whole reason I relented when Nick popped into my DM's and asked me about going out tonight.
We grew up together, Nick and I. Our mothers were best friends, both of us with absent fathers who never were around much, and our mothers used to love to take us out and about and tell people we were twins.
Nick and Nikki.
So cute, so cheesy, so fucking desperate for attention.
Nick and I started drifting apart long before he introduced me to Noah, but we shared so much together that I expected more from him in Noah's absence. Instead, I got a happy birthday text message and then an invitation to a private memorial tonight. I haven't forgiven Nick for abandoning me, but my love for Noah overshadows it enough that I agreed to go out tonight.
"You've always been such a sweet boy, Nicholas." Mom says as the boys come running in, chasing Moxie, who jumps at my legs. I bend down to scratch her behind the ears, hiding my face, which typically shows exactly what I'm thinking. "Your mother would be so proud of you."
I decide to bite my tongue instead of telling mom that Nick's not actually the nice guy he's pretending to be. Unless he's changed this past year, which I highly doubt considering he's been radio silent, he's not that special. But he's always had everyone fooled... even, at one point, me.
"Ready to go?" I ask him, brushing past without waiting for an answer. Every second I stand here with my mom fawning over him, I lose my resolve to go.
But tonight isn't about me; it's about the man I loved. My best friend. The one who never left me hanging.
