But my joy was short-lived, and now I just feel small.
Dirty.
Not because I’m covered in piss and blood, but because I’m sure they’re worth any of this—not to me, at least.
Feeling guilty for not being as enthusiastic as Bunny, I rise from the pool of bodily fluids and flee, bringing Bunny with me.Please don’t see me differently.I want to beg. Please don’t think me weak because I don’t want this for myself.
A slight hiss whispers behind me, and I’m worried that’s exactly what she thinks of me. Then I turn around, spot my rigid grip of her wrist, and realize that I’m hurting her. I can’t get the apology out around the blockage in my throat, but I loosen immediately, rubbing out the red nail prints with a soft, delicate rub of my thumb.
I’m sure the music is still playing, but I can only hear my guilt as I walk to the expensive leather couch. What does it mean that I don’t want this? I should enjoy this as much as Bunny does—more so, maybe. But I don’t.
I just want to go home.
Turning away from the darkened hallway, I focus on Bunny, remembering that she’s my home now. She’s the only one who understands. I do this for her, and once it’s over, we’ll be free.
Taking the abandoned champagne glasses, I hand one to her, smiling away the pain that begins to stiffen my chest. Her grin burns away any discomfort, reminding me it’s all worth it.
We toast.
We eat.
We sit in silence for far too long.
“What do you want to do?” Bunny finally asks, eyes back on the hallway. Not that. I don’t want that.
Taking her wrist, lightly this time, I bring her into the bathroom with me. I’m grateful for the overwhelming scent of pine. It smells much cleaner than iron. Bunny doesn’t seem to appreciate it as much as I do, scrunching her nose and turning away, tucking her nose into her shoulder.
Her eyes glaze over with a faraway look, leaving me alone in this room. I bring her back with a slight tug on her dress. When she walked out this morning in the tight fabric, I almost lost my breath. It got stuck in my throat at the sight of her.You’re so beautiful, I wanted to tell her, but Bunny’s anxiety was through the roof, pacing straight lines in the outdated carpet.
I can tell her now, though, as I pull the bloodied outfit off her silky, scarred skin. “Fuck.” Dropping the dress to the floor, I pull her nipple into my mouth, breathing, “You’re so perfect, my girl,” before latching on completely.
Her hands latch onto my scalp, dirty, bloody, and broken nails clawing into my skin while her leg folds over my hip. She grinds into me, whispering, “Oh, God,” into my hair. When my hand finds her hip, she stills, almost melting in my arms.
I hold her like that, wrapping her in my arms before peering up between her breasts. “We got three, Bun.” My smile comes easily when I take in the glow on her cheeks. It’s just another reminder of why this is worth it, why we’re doing this. “They can never get us again… They can never getyouagain.”
Do you feel safe?I want to know.Am I doing right by you?Please say I am.
Instead, Bunny runs her fingers through my hair, brushing out the tangles with a gentle hand. Her eyes take on a softness that resembles the warmth of the warmest summer day. In atone that envelopes me entirely, she says, “You’ve given meeverything.”
Wrapping herself around me, Bunny takes my lips between her teeth. That’s all I need for my mind to rest.
I’m doing good.
I’m doing good.
And then night falls, and there’s nothing to stop the anxiety from coming. In bed, I toss and turn, doing my best to keep from waking Bunny. She was out the second she hit the sheets, but my eyes refuse to close.
My dad would take a hot shower when his nights became long. Still, no amount of steam can settle my head. Around 3:30, I roll out of the blanket and silently slip from the room. Over the past few weeks, I’ve grown used to the steady quiet of the inn, but at this time, there’s not a soul to be heard. Even my footsteps are muted.
It’s like I’m not here at all.
When I emerge from the hallway, I head straight for the little table Susie keeps by the door, hoping all the treats and snacks aren’t put away. I’m caught by surprise when I spot her at the desk, but I smile anyway when she says hello.
“Need something, honey?”
Everything. But most of all, I just need some peace.
“Can I have some?” I nod to her drink, but I kind of want a smoke, too.
