Roman’s large, bulging arms wrap around my shoulders to embrace me, squeezing me into his hyperventilating chest as he thanks me over and over.
The relief that is evident in his eyes does nothing to simmer down the dread washing over me, and as I bring my arms up to return his hold, I wish he didn’t give me the ultimatum he just did.
I want to tell myself that I would have been fine.Eventually.
Everything would get better.Someday.
I just need time, but Roman needs this, and even if it destroys me, I’m going to give it to him, because after all… what is love without a little pain?
†††
I stare at the emptiness of my suitcase and fight the urge to crumple into a puddle of tears.
I want to beg for the thirtieth time;please don’t make me do this.
Please don’t make me go.
But I can’t.
Roman and I haven't talked in hours, yet the weight I constantly see carried on his shoulders has lifted; not by much, but it’s not as heavy as it was before.
Sniffling back my tears, I pull a thick, cotton sweatshirt from underneath Shadow’s sleeping body and begin to fold it into a square.
“What are we going to do with Shadow?” I ask, my voice sounding like gravel as my nerves rub the interior of my throat raw.
I’m not sure Roman hears me, not until I see his looming body step over the threshold into the room, towels draped over his shoulder as he leans his head against the frame. “She’s staying here with Ash. He’ll be by later tonight after we’re gone. I’m gonna leave the back door unlocked for him, and we’ll leave your set of keys under the mat in the kitchen. Sound okay?”
I don’t really have a choice, so I nod my head and resume folding.
I listen to the sound of his steps coming farther into the room. The muscles in my back tensing as the heat of his fingers radiate into the base of my spine. His lips, soft and plush, kiss the space behind my ear, eliciting a quiet sigh from my lips as my skin pebbles with pleasant goosebumps.
“I love you,” he declares, hands wrapping around my front to rest against the lower softness of my belly. Usually, it would make me insecure, the feeling of his hands touching the slight rounding of my stomach, but I can’t find it in me to care at the moment. I’m too numb in preparation for what lies in store for me ahead.
He’s disappointed. I can hear it in his exhale.
I almost want to call out for him when his hands leave my skin, but I don’t. Instead, I let him walk away, not bothering to look over my shoulder as he leaves the room.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I mumble to Shadow when I catch her beady, black eyes on me.
A portion of me wishes she was coming with us, knowing she would make it impossible not to feel joy. But the other part, the rational part, knows home would only taint her exuberant energy.
She’s better off here, surrounded by the comforts of her own space, and Ash will take good care of her. So at least I know I don’t need to worry about her.
Still, I’ll miss her.
I give her pink belly a quick rubdown before grabbing the next article of clothing, folding it a little more aggressively prior to shoving it on top of my sweater.
It goes on like this for hours, me drawing out our departure by packing at a snail's pace. But I can only do this for so long. After another minute, I’m out of clothes to fold, no other toiletries to shove in the bag, and I’m left standing in the middle of the room, staring at an over-packed suitcase, thinking of different solutions that could keep Roman in my life.
But Roman didn’t give me many options. It was essentially go with him and face my past or watch our relationship die. Both of those are unendurable, but one more so than the other.
The zipper is too loud in the silence of the house. Loud enough to rattle my eardrums… loud enough to draw Roman in from the living room. His presence doesn’t need an announcement. My ears recognize the music of his breathing. Roman’s eyes are like a touch, not just to my skin but to my soul.
“You ready to go? Ash will be here soon, and I wanna hit the road before ten.”
The clock reads nine forty-five. I could draw this out for fifteen more minutes, but why bother? It’s happening no matter what. I might as well get this over with.
“Yeah,” I start, wrapping my purse over my shoulder before pulling my case off the bed when Roman rushes over to me from the door.
