Throwing my head over my shoulder, I stare out at the empty park, looking for any sign of life that would catch me trying to jump this gate so I can go to him.
There is nobody, so I wrap my fingers around the cold metal, wincing when the rough-cut edges bite into my clammy flesh. I don’t get more than a couple of millimeters off the ground before falling down.
I’ve gone through much worse, so why is the idea of climbing this gate on my own so damn daunting?
“Roman!” I try calling again, louder this time, hoping he’ll come back to me, but he doesn’t, preferring to look at the waves crashing against the sandy shore.
Fine.
I can do this. I used to sneak out of my house all the time, scaling heights that were much taller than this.
Climbing a fence shouldn’t be this difficult. Roman did it in less than a second.
So how hard can it possibly be?
Attempt number two.
Gripping the iron, I stick the tips of my shoes in the open gaps and ascend, feeling my stomach cramp when the cold metal digs into my skin, sharp enough to cut off my circulation.
Maybe that’s why scaling this gate is so repulsive. It makes me feel too much.
But once I get to the top, I feel a small victory wash over me.
It’s small and insignificant, but a victory still.
Sand explodes around my ankles once I drop to the ground. I lose my balance during the fall and end up on my hands and knees, wincing when the small grains filter through the fabric of my pants and dig into my palms. But there’s something intoxicating about this kind of pain, so I bury my hands deep, press my knees in harder, and absorb the filaments of earth as they become one with me.
I take a chunk of sand into my hands, and as I walk to Roman at the edge of the water, I let it fall through my fingers, admiring the way it sways gracefully in the wind.
Roman shuffles a bit once I get beside him, still glaring at the washing waves. I lay my head against the frigid fabric of his jacket and wait, watching him as he draws his hands over his head to grip the nape of his neck.
“We just took a fucking monumental step forward only to revert back with your fucking lies!” he rasps, voice like gravel crawling up his throat as he spits the words. “After everything… all we have fucking been through, I would think I deserved your honesty by now.”
“Rom—” I start, hoping he’ll let me explain, but he is his father’s son, and as patient as he is with me, it doesn’t last forever.
“No. No, Amira! Fuck! Why?! Why the fuck is it so hard for you to fucking talk to me!?” he shouts, spinning away from me so he can walk to the other end of the beach. Stopping at a lifeguard post, Roman punches the decaying wooden poles over and over until his knuckles are angry and swollen, blood bubbling over the splintered surface as his skin spits open.
I jump back in shock when he roars into the air, stomping farther away from me without looking back.
I hurry after him, kicking sand while calling out his name, hot, boiling tears blurring my vision.
“Roman! What do you want me to say!” I cry, choking on the knot obstructing my trachea.
“Just say the fucking truth, Amira! Just be fucking honest! About the nightmares and the stress! Tell me how you’re fucking feeling because I know there’s a shit ton of crap clouding your head! Especially after reading that damn report! So please! Fucking talk to me!” he roars, hands spread wide at his sides like he’s ready to take on my demons physically.
“Okay!” I shriek, threading my fingers through the strands of my hair as I spin in wild circles, gazing at the moon, needing guidance from its magnetic pull.
Roman storms over to me, his large palm ensnaring my wrist until I jerk to a stop.
“Amira, just fucking talk to me!”
“I’m thinking, Roman!” I shout, ripping my arm out of his hold to cradle it against my chest.
“About what?!” he yells back, throwing his hands in the air in exasperated frustration.
“About how to explain that my dead father stalks my mornings and haunts my nights! How I can’t close my eyes without seeing his deadly blackened gaze or look in the mirror without feeling his fingers crawl up my skin! I have to live with those memories, Roman!” I scream into the hollow night, throwing my hands behind my head as I hold my breath in my chest.
“It was bad enough when it was just me, but I could live with those thoughts. I’ve done it for years, and then I found out you knew, and that made everything fucking harder because I neverwantedto share my pain. But now? Now the whole fucking world will know what Gabriel did to me! The town I lived in and the friends I once had, they’ll all know! My secrets are no longer mine! Nothing is mine! Not my body! Not my mind, and now not my trauma! Because somehow, even in his death, Gabriel has found a way to steal that too.”
