“I know you’re feeling guilty. You’re hurting.” Her hand ran from my shoulder to my jaw, where she tilted my head back, forcing me to look at her, and the moment I did, my stomach tightened and twisted like I’d been punched, the guilt eating me alive from the inside out.
“It’s okay, Roman.” She offered a soft smile, trying to reassure me. “You did what you vowed to do. You were a good, faithful husband until the end. This guilt you feel is unwarranted. I can help you through this.”
I shook my head, causing her hand to fall away. “I don’t want your help.”
I fell back a step, turning away from her. I grabbed my desk and pulled it back to where it had been.
“You do this every single time.” She walked over to pick her dress and coat up from the floor. “It has been a while since we saw one another. I had hoped things would have changed with you, but I can see they haven’t.” She pushed her arms through the sleeves. “I knew I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Then why did you?” I asked, not meaning to. I was engaging. I told myself to never engage once I’d pissed them off.
“Because I care for you, Roman!” She stared at me with too much emotion in her eyes. “How many times have we done this, huh?”
I shook my head. “I’m a lost cause. Just go. Remember this for next time. I’m not some fairy tale ending for you. I’m not some lost puppy that you can bring home and rehabilitate. I’m pretty broken.”
The look of pain washed over her face. “That’s the thing, Roman. You want this. You want to be miserable. If you wanted to be happy, you could do it. But you don’t want that. It’s like you think that if you move on, if you get to be happy, it’s forgetting her, and that’s not the case. It’s a part of life. People die, Roman! She was the one who died. Not you!”
Rage boiled my blood from the inside of my stomach. I tightened my hands into fists, and every muscle grew hard as I turned to glare at her. “I said, get the fuck out.”
When she didn’t move, I bellowed, “NOW!”
She rolled her eyes, shook her head, and started for the door as she tied her dress, her coat slung over one arm. She slammed the door behind her, and it only caused the anger inside of me to double. A growl ripped from my throat as I swiped my arms across my desk, knocking everything to the floor.
Fuck this shit. I was tired of it on repeat.
THIRTEEN
SASHA
It had been a couple of weeks, but I’d settled into a routine that seemed to work for not only me, but for Sophia and Roman as well. In a way, it almost felt like I was leading a double life. One life was that of your typical college student, and the other was that of a single parent. I loved being in Sophia’s life, though. It almost felt like I had a little piece of my sister back. Roman did very little to make things easier for me, but after the first week, I mostly learned not to expect him to lift a finger.
Still, Sophia seemed to take to me as effortlessly as I took to her. I had no experience with kids of any age, yet that wasn’t an issue with us. Sophia was so brilliant and mature in ways I never thought possible. It made being her nanny so much easier because she liked getting the attention Roman seemed to withhold. She never put up a fight when I told her to do something. And that was more than I could say for her father, who claimed to be a grown adult.
Roman would leave early for work, and he made it his mission to stay gone as long as possible. I was supposed to have dinner on the table every night, but some nights he didn’t bother coming home until I was already in bed. Other days, he’d comein right on time, and he never gave me any notification on what each day would bring.
God forbid if I didn’t cook dinner that evening. All hell would break loose. I had no option but to cook dinner and have it ready and waiting, just in case he decided to grace us with his presence. Even on the nights that he did make it home for dinner, he wouldn’t eat with Sophia and me in the dining room. He’d fix himself a plate that he’d take to his home office. He kept himself locked behind doors, so even when he was home, he wasn’t available.
The only time I really saw Roman was when he was wandering in drunk from another night of drinking. The person he’d become was a mere shell of the man he once was. On one hand, I loved how much he loved my sister. On the other hand, I hated him because I wished he could love my niece just as much.
As much as I loved being Sophia’s nanny, I enjoyed the moments away too. During the hours of eight A.M. until five P.M., I was just a regular college girl. I went to school, where I poured all my energy into earning my degree. Compared to the rough time I’d been having before the transfer, my new life was effortless to fall into. I was too tired and too busy raising my niece to be anyone but myself, and I found that I was even making friends more easily than I ever had. I loved my sister, but I often felt as if I were growing up in her perfect shadow, as if nothing I did could compare to her. I always thought she was prettier, more intelligent, and more desirable to boys, teachers, and even our parents.
Even on my first day of high school, every single teacher I had asked if Chloe was my sister, and she’d been out of that school for years. Chloe was unforgettable, leaving a lasting impression on those who had the fortune to meet her. That was evident when looking at Roman. He couldn’t forget her either, and, given the lack of women I saw him with, he didn’t want to.It was like no other woman could compare to her. I guessed we agreed on that, at least.
After a couple of weeks of learning how to care for Sophia and the house the way that Roman liked, I was finally able to enjoy my time off. I had two days off a week since I started, but I used that time to get in extra studying and homework rather than enjoying my life. Even though most people don’t go out on Thursday nights, I was a college student, and it seemed like my new friends used any excuse they could to go out.
There was usually a keg party every weekend at one of the campus’s frat houses; different groups would gather at various establishments near campus to take advantage of whatever specials they had that day, and someone was always throwing a holiday-themed party. On this given day, I’d been invited to a local sports bar for all-you-can-eat wings and domestic buckets.
I wasn’t planning on going at first. I figured I’d stay in and rest up, but when Monica said she was taking Sophia for the night for a sleepover with her niece, I decided I might as well take advantage. Roman wasn’t home, and I thought that I wouldn’t see him anyway, so there was no reason to stick around the house all by myself.
I pulled on a short jean skirt that sat low on my hips and a fitted tank top that hugged every curve. I ran the iron through my hair, freshening up the curls, and then I touched up my makeup before grabbing my things and making my way toward the door.
Instead of climbing behind the wheel of theRoman-approvedcar, I climbed into my vehicle. The interior smelled stale, like it had been left closed up for so long. I was almost surprised when the engine turned over and started without a fight. I was thankful that the temps hadn’t fallen below freezing yet, because I knew that it never would have started if it had been left to sit in the winter like that.
I made the drive across town to the sports bar where everyone was hanging out. I parked in the lot by the side of the building and made my way toward the front entrance. There were large windows that ran the length of the bar’s side, garage-door-style so that they could be opened on warmer days. I saw my friends through the glass, smiled, and waved as I rushed toward the door. Inside, I was greeted by my newest group of girl friends.
“I’m so glad you made it,” Parker said, pulling me in for a hug. “We thought you were going to stay home and do something lame like homework,” she teased, pulling away.
I laughed at her joke as I hugged Addison. “I was going to stay home, but my night opened up so I figured what the hell.” I took a step back and shrugged. “So, what’s going on?”
