Godamnit.
“Go home.” I moved around her and walked across the lobby where Casey was standing, waiting for me to join her.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
I took her hand and started leading her toward the elevators.
“Everything is fine.” We came to a stop, and I reached out to push the button. I had no control, and I glanced toward the exit, where I found Sasha standing and staring at me. The expression on her face was pure pain. Not even a speck of anger or hate, and it only made me hate myself more.
“Come here,” I told Casey as I cupped her jaw and kissed her. I could tell by the tightness of her lips that she was surprised by my kiss, but she went along with it. I knew it was the trick to getting Sasha to walk away, to making her see who I really was.
When I broke away, I turned back toward the exit, and sure enough, she was gone. She’d finally had enough. Anything that was between us was now broken. No matter how badly I wanted her, she’d never allow it because I broke her heart, and in the process, I broke my own.
And I proved I couldn’t be trusted, further breaking the pedestal she had me on.
The elevator doors opened, and I took a step back. “Enjoy the room. Charge anything you want. I’m just going to take off.” I took a step, but Casey stopped me.
“Wait. You’re leaving?”
I nodded.
“So all of this…” She motioned around us. “It was just a show for her? You didn’t actually want to be with me, you just wanted her to think that you did?”
“I had to make her let go. I knew the only way I’d get her to do that was if she saw me with someone else.” I shrugged as I tucked my hands into my pockets.
She shook her head disapprovingly. “You’re going to regret letting that one go, Roman.”
“I already do, but I did it for her. Have a good night.” I turned and headed for the door.
I had just climbed behind the wheel of my car when everything hit me: the heartbreak, the anger, the regret. I hated how things turned out with us. I hated that we couldn’t just be together. I hated her for making me want her so badly, and I hated myself for hurting her.
I told myself to give it a few days. I was experiencing the hangover of being on a month-long bender. Time would get her out of my system, and that’s when I’d be able to heal. I just needed to wait it out.
But fuck, if it hurt like this then I didn’t know if I could even get through it.
THIRTY-SEVEN
SASHA
Iparked the car in the garage at home and didn’t even remember driving there.
I was so angry, lost in my thoughts, and it was a miracle that I made it in one piece. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what he was doing. He realized he had feelings for me, and it spooked him, so he was acting out.
He knew he had gotten into a relationship with me, but in his head, it was purely physical. So when things started to get serious, he had no choice but to see the whole picture, and he wasn’t prepared for what he saw. I think he never saw himself moving on from Chloe. To him, she was his wife, and he was supposed to love her and only her for the rest of his life. He was surviving without her, but he wasn’t living.
The change was so gradual that he didn’t even realize that he wasn’t miserable anymore. Slowly, he became happier every day until the day came that he realized that he’d actually moved on from her. Then he was hit with the guilt. When I thought about Chloe, I liked to believe that she was happy about Roman and me and supported our decision. After all, it helped two people who loved and missed her dearly to find happiness again after herloss. It gave her daughter a home with her father and a mother figure.
Chloe knew I would, and did, love Sophia as if she were my own child. What mother wouldn’t support us? Since Roman and I had gotten together, everything had been different. He’d all but quit drinking. He was coming home every night. He was eating actual meals. He was getting close to his daughter.
And Sophia was finally getting the bonding time she needed with her dad, the positive male model she needed in life. And for myself, I finally moved on from the situation I had been running from. Roman gave me confidence I never had before. He made me see my own value.
Us being together was the best thing that could’ve happened for all three of us. Why couldn’t he see that? I guessed it was hard to see anything when looking through grief, loss, and pain.
I wanted to honor Chloe. I wanted to do what she told me, but I couldn’t keep fighting for someone who wouldn’t fight for me. I wanted to stay with Sophia, raise her, and watch her grow, but I couldn’t. If I stayed, it would cost her her father. The only thing I could think to do was leave, force him to step up and be the man she needed.
When I walked in the front door, I found Monica sitting in the living room, watching TV. She looked over at me with her brows lifted in surprise. “Wow, I didn’t expect you home this early.”
“I need you to stay.”
