I didn’t know what state I was in. I had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been driving. Only the pins and needles in my hands and arms told me it had been far too long since I’d loosened my grip or relaxed my arms.
Eventually, the sun crested over the horizon, but it didn’t offer me the hope sunrises had always promised. Instead, it blinded me, making it even more impossibleto keep my eyes open. A diner approached in the distance. All I needed to do was stop for some coffee, maybe grab something to eat, and then I could get back on the road.
Except, I knew that I didn’t want to go where the road was taking me.
Somewhere in the distance behind me was nothing. But in reality, it was everything. Not that I had one single idea how a relationship with Ryan would work,but in the last few days, I knew there would be a way for us to figure it all out. Clearly, that plan had crashed and burned quicker than a jet out of fuel.
And I already knew what was up ahead. The same old life I had been leading. My family. My home. My job. My friends. Just a few short weeks ago, it had all been enough. I had been happy, my life full of love and color. But now, after havingRyan, after having him be part of that life, I realized just how bland it would all be. Even the coffee I was drinking tasted like crap.
“What else can I get you, sugar?” The waitress behind the counter looked like she was straight out of every ’50s diner scene.
“Scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast, please.” She didn’t bother writing down my order. She just called it out to the cook standing behindthe cut out in the wall. Chuckling, I thought to myself, I could’ve done that.
By the time my order was up, she’d already refilled my coffee. The food stared back at me, looking tasteless and dry. And as I took my first bite, I wondered if this was what I was resigned to. A life that was dull and void of anything meaningful. Despite being a crappy plate of eggs, I ate every last bite, knowingI didn’t want to stop again if I didn’t have to. As I wiped my mouth, the waitress dropped a huge slice of apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top in front of me. “On the house. You look like you’ve had a rough day. And it’s only six thirty, so that’s saying a lot.”
I couldn’t help but smile because even when I felt like I was at the bottom, there was something sweet waiting on thehorizon. Sure, I was in a bad place right now, but as long as I didn’t unpack and live there, I’d be just fine.
And if I wasn’t, when I got home, I’d take a scalding hot shower, and bury myself in work.
In the last three and a half months, I’d cut my wait list of projects nearly in half. Workingtwelve, sometimes fourteen hours a day, I left myself time for nothing. I purposefully exhausted myself each and every day so that when I went home and rested my head on the pillow, I didn’t give myself a chance to mourn what could have been. Somehow, welding together pieces of metal distracted me enough to make me forget the disintegrating pieces of my own life. And the joy I saw in the customerswho had ordered the custom pieces was enough to sustain me where happiness was concerned.
Or at least those were the lies I continued to tell myself.
So with the sparks flying and my mask firmly in place, I worked on a Christmas present for my mother—a set of hanging stars, the panels filled with stained glass. I saw her looking at them on some website when I was there and even though she saidshe was just browsing, I knew her game. She’d been doing it since I was in high school. She’d pretend to be partially interested in something, casually let me see whatever it was, and then fall in love with it when I made the same thing for her birthday or Christmas. It was such an old game in fact, that most of the rooms in her house had more than a handful of projects from me.
As I flippedup the mask, Korey stood in the doorway. “Your mom is here,” he announced. “Might want to hide those,” he said, tipping his head toward the project spread out on the table.
After moving them to the side where she wouldn’t see them, I walked to the front office that was reserved for meeting with clients. It was clean and masculine, but warm and cozy. In short, in the last few months, it had beenmy home away from home. “Hi, Mom.” I kissed her cheek, trying my best not to get any grease or soot on her face.
“Hi, sweetie,” she greeted. “Look, I won’t be long. I was just on my way home from shopping. Don’t forget that the Christmas party is at our house—”
“Tomorrow at seven,” I said, tapping the side of my head. “I know. Do you need me to bring anything?”
“Just your sweet face.” She lookedaround the office as she answered.
“Are you here to talk about the party or are you here snooping on me to see about my date last night?”
She shrugged, her eyes light with humor. “Maybe a little of both,” she admitted before saying, “But since you broughtit up, how was it? Todd is a really nice guy, isn’t he?”
“Yes, Mom.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. All these years and her investigativeskills were still as transparent as ever. She’d set us up on a blind date about a month ago. She was so excited when I said yes, I thought she would pass out. I didn’t agree because I particularly wanted to go out with him, but I knew if I didn’t get my ass out there soon enough, I never would.
“And that was your fourth date, right?”
“Yes, Mom,” I droned on.
“And are you bringing him to theparty?”
“Yes, Mom.”
She clapped her hands and then grabbed her bag from the counter. “Okay, good. Then I’ll see you—”
“Tomorrow at seven.”
She kissed me goodbye and I laughed at her antics as I watched her walk to her car. She was a sweet lady, but, man alive, if she didn’t test my patience. I knew her heart was in the right place, though. When I came back from Ryan’s, I told her all aboutour week together—minus the sexy details. No mothereverwanted to hear that.
And when I told her about what made Ryan run away, about the truth of his family, she actually cried for him. It took a lot of convincing on my part for her not to get in her car and drive all the way up to Maine to hug the life out of him, as she put it.
But I didn’t want to travel down that particular rabbit holeright now. It had already taken me far too long to figure out how to move on. Being honest with myself, I still wasn’t entirely healed. Yet, as each day passed, another corner of my heart began to feel normal.
