“That night, I did. But the next morning, when the sun came up and I knew I’d have to face another day, I didn’t belong one bit. So I ran. I came here, started over, and built a place where I would never feel unwanted.”
Silence stretched. All eyes were on me. Except I had nothing else to say. The truth was there, laid out bare on the coffee table before us.
“I don’tknow what to say,” Quinn finally spoke up.
“You don’t have to say a damn thing. Just leave. All of you, please leave. Now. I just want to be alone.” Saying the words aloud made me feel more isolated than ever and I simply couldn’t stand to be around Quinn as the realization of my truth hit him.
“But—”
“But nothing, Quinn. I want everyone out,” I yelled. “Just go. I’ll ship you your clothes.”Without another word, I walked to the door, opened it, and waited for the three of them to pass by.
Sarah walked by first and didn’t say anything. I had a feeling she already knew what I just revealed, but her silence was better than her pity.
Patrick followed right behind her, keeping his hand on the small of her back. “You’re being foolish. We’re here for you. All of us. Mom and Dad, too.If you’d just let us—”
“Well, I don’t need you. Any of you.” Patrick shook his head and walked out behind his wife.
Quinn followed, his eyes welling with tears. “I wish you would have told me sooner.”
“Why? So I could see that shame and pity in your eyes? So you could feel bad for me and try to fix me?” And those words were at the heart of my fear in opening up. I knew he’d never be able tofix the pain, so why bother telling him?
“You’re right. I would try to fix you, to help you realize that none of it is your fault.” He made it seem as if it wasn’t a big deal at all, but to me, it was everything.
“Please, just go. I can’t deal with it all.”
“If I leave—” He moved just beyond me. A single tear fell and rolled down his cheek. “—I’m not coming back. If you won’t let me be a partof your life now, then I have no place in it ever.”
Even though it crushed me to say it, I had no other option. “Just go.”
And then I was alone, in the life I’d created for myself, with none of the pain of the past. Alone in my own life with no one else to feel pity and shame for me.
And yet, even in my solitude, those emotions followed me to bed, rocked me to sleep, swept me away to the dreamworld where I never existed in the first place.
