Silently, but not without glaring at Patrick, I sat on the couch opposite him and waited for whatever it was that he needed to tell me. Resting his elbows on his thighs, he fidgeted with his fingers. And just as I was about to lose whatever cool I thought I had left and yell at him, demanding that he start fuckingtalking, he opened his mouth to say, “I’m sorry.”
There was no way for me to hold back the cynical laughter tumbling from my whiskey-kissed lips. “That’s kind of vague, don’t you think?” My words were flippant, my attitude a lightning bolt cutting through the room. “And what is it that you’re sorry for exactly? Was it beating the crap out of me almost daily when we were kids? Or was it for pickingon me in front of my friends? Or, wait, I know,” I stood, my legs far too fidgety to stay seated. “Ithasto be for stealing my gym clothes from me and then watching on in laughter as your friends stripped me out of my boxers in the locker room.”
Surveying Sarah and Quinn, I should have been more cautious with my words. My revelations were clearly something with which they were not familiar.Fueled on by their disbelief in my brother’s horrendous behaviors, I continued. Needing to be eye to eye with him as I said the rest, I stalked toward him. “Or are you sorry because when you found out about me and Quinn you told me to run away. Let me think,” I paused for added drama. “Your words were, ‘Leave now, you faggot. Mom and Dad already hate you. You think this is going to help your case?You fag bastard,’ weren’t they?”
The veins in Patrick’s neck bulged as he clenched his fists tightly at his side. Sarah was immediately at his side, sliding her fingers easily between his, instantly calming him, like some kind of kryptonite. “Ryan, that’s not—”
“Why?” I begged for an explanation as if it would make it all better.
“They were always on my back, scrutinizing every move I made.Pushing me to do more, to be someone they wanted me to be. And they never did that to you. I hated them for it. I hated you for it. It was too much pressure, too many expectations. I’m not making excuses. I know what I did was wrong, but I hope you can come to understand why. I’m sorry. Truly, I am.”
“How you could even marry him? You knew what he did. You knew he beat the shit out of me. Youknew all about it, and yet you still let him back into your life. You knew he was a monster from the very beginning and you still found a way to love him, even after all he did.”
“Leave her out of this,” Patrick hurled his words at me like the stones he’d thrown as a kid. “This has nothing to do with her.”
“No? She’s his sister.” I pointed to Quinn as if Patrick didn’t already know who I wastalking about. “How heartless is it for her to just up and forgive you and then fucking marry you while he was hurt?”
Laughter, sharp and riotous cut through my harsh words. “What a hypocrite,” Quinn called out as he walked toward me. Poking me in the chest with each word, he accentuated his pain by inflicting it on me. “You up and left, not once, buttwice,and you have the audacity to callher out on moving on with her life. Don’t youeverbring her into this again.”
Sarah’s quiet sobs filtered into the last of his words before she turned to Patrick and curled herself into his arms. Standing in the loudest silence I’d ever experienced, I didn’t know what to do with it all. All the details of all the lost years between us circled around me, like a bee searching for its target. Ijust didn’t know where my stinger would land and I certainly didn’t expect it to fall on her.
Sarah was the first to speak, cutting the awkward and angry silence. “No,” she defended, her voice sounding as quiet and emotional as her face looked. “He’s right. Well, partly,” she continued to explain as she looked to Quinn. “But not entirely. When you left, I broke up with Patrick right away. Therewas no way I could be with someone like that.” I couldn’t peel my eyes away from Patrick’s face. I was drawn to the hurt etched into his dark eyes, his masculine features. Somehow, even when she was insulting him, she managed to soften him. “And we weren’t together for a long time. We were broken up for almost four years. It wasn’t until he told me what really happened that I let him back in.”She looked between me and Quinn, her eyes searching for forgiveness. I had none to give but it seemed like he had it in spades.
“I understand, Sarah. I get it,” Quinn explained. “I’m not mad at you.”
“No, you’re just mad with me,” I cut in.
“Yeah, I am,” he agreed. “And I was hurt back then, too. A lot. And Sarah was the only one there for me. So don’t cut down her choices. You didn’t callme. You didn’t care about me. So how can you be pissed at her for moving on when you did the exact same thing?”
“I had to leave,” I yelled. “You don’t understand.”
“Because you never told me why.” His voice boomed, full of all the years of hurt. “Big deal. Your brother doesn’t like that you’re gay. Big fucking deal. You had me.”
“That had nothing to do with it,” I raged on, throwing my handsin the air.
“Then tell me what did. Tell me what happened. Why did you leave? Why did you come back just to leave again? I don’t fucking understand.” The anguish of all the years was clearly written across his face, twisting his brows together, turning his lips down. Part of me hated him for pushing the issue when he’d vowed never to bring it up, and yet part of me was ready to unload the heavyburden of my past.
“And you never will. That’s why I’ve never told you. Fucking hell, I never told anyone.” Pausing to catch my breath, I took stock of the people staring at me. No matter what they said, no matter the promises they made to me, no matter the time that had passed, I still didn’t want to speak the darkest secret of my life. Whatever strength I had in telling him all about it vanishedinto thin air, and it was replaced by a sudden newfound strength in guarding my heart. “And I never will,” I added, my eyes locking with Patrick, silently begging him and whatever ounce of integrity he might have left, not to say the words I wanted to die and be buried forever.
“Then… then… I just don’t think I can do this,” Quinn muttered, moving his hands between us. “I can’t be with you ifyou can’t trust me enough to talk to me. To share your life with me.” His eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “I can’t go on like this, being with you and then constantly worrying about what might potentially set you off, make you run away time and time again. The only way I can do this is if you give meyou.That means all of you, secrets and all.”
“I can’t,” I said, my voice defeated and sad.All the strength and motivation I had earlier up and vanished like a wisp of smoke curling out of a smoldering fire.
“Then I can’t give you me. I can’t….” Quinn’s voice trailed off.
“You’re really going to let him walk away?” Patrick cut in. “After all this time, the two of you end up back together and you’re going to let him walk away.”
Shock washed over me at the concerned tone of his words,the look of kindness in his face. But still, despite all that, I couldn’t find it in me to give him the same emotions in return. “What the hell do you care?”
“If you would have listened to me the night before the wedding, you would know that I care more than you think.” He paused, took a deep breath, looked at Sarah, and then back to me. “You would have known how fucking sorry I am for all thoseyears, for the way I treated you, for making you feel like you were all alone.”
A cynical blip of laughter fell on the floor between us, flopping around like a dead fish. “Funny how you can say that. Or did you forget that you were the one who punched me that night.”
“You know…” He pinched the bridge of his nose before running his hand through his hair and pulling on the ends. “You aren’t entirelyblame free here. You came rushing at me. I wanted to talk and apologize and maybe start fixing our relationship. You’re the one who started the entire thing. But you know, you don’t want to talk aboutthatnow, do you?” There was no mistaking the threat in his voice.
“Don’t,” I demanded.
“He loves you,” Patrick said, looking over at Quinn. “Look at him. He wanted to be there for you before andhe wants to be there for you now. But you’re being a pigheaded asshole about it and not letting him. He loves you.” The threat had been replaced with sincerity, the meanness with warmth. “Don’t you see that?”
