“What?” I scoffed. “Of course you are.That was your top choice.” Something came to life in my chest at simply knowing his college preference. Benny hadn’t been in my life for very long, but we were building a great relationship. He texted me with his A.P. bio homework and knew he valued my opinion.
“But what about Chase?” he asked with pain in his words. “I can’t leave him all alone.”
I wanted to say that he wouldn’t be alone, thathe had me, that I would take care of him, but I didn’t want to lie.
The truth of it all was that I didn’t know whether or not I would be strong enough to be the man Chase deserved.
Echoing the words of my boss from just moments ago, I told Benny, “You don’t have to accept the scholarship if you don’t want it. But make sure you make the decision that’s best for you. Talk to Chase about it. Seehow he feels, what he thinks, and come to the choice you know you can live with. It’s your life.”
Benny stood from the bench and I followed along. Silently, I walked him over to his car, biting my tongue the entire time. I wanted to ask about Chase, to see if he’d mentioned anything about what happened.
As if he’d been in my head, he faced me, leaning against the car. “What happened that nightwas all just an accident, you know?” I nodded, unable to find words. “I don’t blame you, or Wes, or anyone really. I’m really pissed at my parents for not wearing their seat belts, but I mean after that, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“You’re a smart kid.” Ruffling his hair, I pulled him into a half hug. “And thanks, but I know I could’ve—”
“Maybe,” he cut me off, leavingmy sentence hanging there. “But you didn’t. That’s the thing, Noah, you didn’t do anything wrong. And who’s to say what you would or wouldn’t have done in there. In fact,” he said, pulling away from me, “maybe if you were in there, you would have made things worse.” Opening my mouth to come to my own defense, words failed me once again. I thought back to my condition that night and couldn’thelp but feel like Benny was right somehow. “The bottom line is that we can waste all our time sitting here, bullshitting over what happened and whose fault it was, who’s to blame, but none of it changes a damn thing.”
After all that, all those words of wisdom from a kid wise beyond his years, all I could think to ask was, “Did Chase send you here?”
He shook his head. “No, this is me. I’m justtrying to talk some sense into you.”
Laughing, I told myself it should be the other way around.
“But also, I wanted to forgive you. I never blamed you, but I know you blamed yourself. Chase told me that much. He forgives you, too. You just have to give him the chance to tell you.”
Without saying anything else, Benny got in his car and pulled away. Replaying the conversation in my head, I knewhe was right. I had to call Chase. I had to let him know I missed him like crazy, even if it had only been two days. I needed him in my life and hoped beyond all reason he still wanted me in his.
What should have been a twelve-hour shift, turned into a twenty-four-hour one, meaning that calling Chase would have to wait until the weekend. And there was part of me that was happy for it. This way,I could get all the nonsense of the awards ceremony out of the way and then focus on the more important task of salvaging the relationship I hoped I hadn’t destroyed.
