As the silence stretched out between us, his face twisted in a look of unease. If I had to guess, he ran his fingers through his dark hair as a way to calm his nerves. “So, yeah, likeI said, I have work today,” he rambled, sounding like a teenager rather than a doctor. He dropped his arm down and out of his hair and took a deep breath. “Can I see you again? Call you in a few days?”
Though I was unsure of what I was going to do with all these fucked-up emotions clouding up my head, I knew that I wanted to see him again. So instead of deflecting his question with bullshit excuses,I said, “Of course,” before leaning in to press my lips against his quickly. I didn’t let them linger for fear that I’d never want to pull them away.
I said, “Talk to you soon,” before closing the door.
Knowing I was in need of a distraction, I walked back into the kitchen and figured I’d clean up from breakfast. Turns out two paper wrappers and two cardboard cups from the coffee didn’t takemuch time to take care of. Fumbling around in the cabinets, I looked for the cleaning supplies.
Did we even have any of those?I wondered to myself.
“What are you looking for?” Benny called from behind me.
I jumped. “You scared the shit outta me.” After catching my breath and allowing my heart to beat at a normal rhythm again, I said, “Bleach or some shit like that. If you think I’m catchingthat damn stomach bug, you’re out of your mind.” I laughed, hoping to avoid any serious conversation with him. “Didn’t we have a whole bunch of that stuff in here? I thought I remembered buying rubber gloves and everything. Where’d they all go?”
Equally as confused as I was, Benny helped me search through the last few cabinets before we moved our search down the hall and into the bathroom. “It’salready clean,” Benny announced, sounding just as mystified as I felt staring into the sparkling, almost diamond white room.
Without missing a beat, and without having to give it a second I thought, I said, “Noah.”
“Seems like a pretty cool guy. A doctor, too?” Grabbing some of the supplies from my hands, Benny walked with me back to the kitchen. “Where did you meet him?”
Luckily my head wasburied in the cabinet so I was able to hide my shock at his question. “Work,” I answered with my face still hidden, reaching behind me for the last bottle of cleaner.
“How long have you uh… been seeing each other?” His words were awkward, and that’s when I realized this was the first time we were having a conversation like this. Even though I’d never come out to him, maybe there was a part ofhim that always knew I was gay. Whatever it was, I was glad for his question. The softness in his voice, the calm gentle demeanor with which he spoke let me know that he didn’t care about me being gay in the least.
We sat at the kitchen table and Benny opened his roll again. “Is it weird? Me bringing a guy around here?” Even if it seemed like he didn’t care, I still needed to ask, needed thereassurance that I wasn’t fucking this parenting gig up somehow.
He picked at the bread before popping a piece into his mouth. Maybe the act gave him some time to think about how he felt, but his answer was convincing nonetheless. “Not at all. I mean it’s your house, too. Besides, it’d be a bit hypocritical of me to tell you I was okay with you being gay, like that even mattered, and then tellyou that you can’t have a boyfriend. Don’t you think?”
“When did you get so grown up?” We both chuckled, but as he continued to pick at his roll, it was as if I was looking at a different person than the little brother I’d grown up with.
He shrugged. “I wouldn’t get too ahead of yourself just yet, but you know, the last few months, moving, starting over in this place, getting a job, soccer,starting senior year,” he listed, and as the words flew from his mouth he changed into a grown man in the blink of an eye. “It’s been a lot on me, too, you know.”
“I know, man. I know. And you’re kicking ass at it. Which, by the way,” I tossed out there as I moved to grab some waters out of the fridge, “when were you going to tell me about the recruits? That’s freaking awesome.”
He shruggedagain, looking like Mom used to when Dad would tell her how pretty she was. Embarrassed, almost. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. And with college… well, never mind,” he stammered.
“Because I didn’t finish?”
Relieved that I brought it up and not him, his shoulders dropped from his ears. “Yeah, I mean that just sucks. And look what you got left with.” He pointeda thumb at himself before dropping his eyes to the rest of his roll. “And I don’t want you to have worry aboutmegoing to school. So when the coach mentioned some top schools were interested, I didn’t want to get too ahead or anything.”
“I’m proud of you, dude. Is it okay if I come to your game?”
He crumbled the paper and wiped a few crumbs into his hands. “Yeah, sure. Whatever,” he added quicklyat the end, but I could tell, no matter how much he tried to hide it, he was excited at the idea of having someone in the crowd other than a recruit watching him. “You can invite Noah, too. He seemed kinda interested.”
And now it was my turn to feel relieved that he’d brought it up. “I think he’d like that.”
We spent the rest of the day, lounging around the house doing nothing in particular.I was supposed to work, but luckily, Gavin was willing to cover my shift for me once I told him about Benny being sick. Benny went through the rest of the case of water, rehydrating and getting himself ready for school, even though I told him he could stay home if he needed to.
Later at night, when the house was quiet, and I lay in bed alone with my thoughts, I texted Noah.
Hey, thanks againfor helping me today. You didn’t have to clean the bathroom though.
No problem. And you’re welcome.
A few minutes passed between his text and my next one. Why was this a struggle? Scratching my head, I knew what I had to say, needed to be said and not texted.
He picked up on the first ring and my heart hammered in my chest. When he said, “Hi,” all cool and collected, my blood heated andmy heart raced for an entirely different reason.
“Hey,” I responded, sounding every bit like the ass I felt.
