And I learned that the things that weremeaningful weren’tthingsat all.
As he told me about waking up before me and sneaking out without disturbing me or Benny as we slept, I looked at Noah in a new way. Could I say I was grateful for him? Since I only knew him for such a short period of time?
He’d done nothing but show me kindness and honesty, even if it wasn’t always pretty, ever since I first met him. If that wasn’t somethingto be thankful for, then I wasn’t sure what was.
Noah was facing the kitchen window, peeling back the paper on our sandwiches when the need to wrap my arms around him overwhelmed me. Feeling no need to hold back my desires when it came to Noah, I did just that. “Thank you,” I muttered against his solid back.
His hands came to rest on top of my mine, forming a tight knot on his flat stomach.“For?” he asked, spinning around in my embrace. We were face-to-face, no more than an inch separating our heights. But standing here, secured against his body, it felt as if he were towering over me. He was the strength I needed, the warmth I never thought I’d have.
“For everything,” I said, before pressing my lips to his. They were soft, yielding to mine in a way that was becoming familiar tome. “For taking care of Benny and me,” I said, pulling away. “Just for being there even when you didn’t really have to.”
His lips took mine this time, a tentative brush of skin on skin before he went deeper. The heat of his mouth made me all too aware of the rock- hard morning wood I was sporting. “Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Noah joked, pressing his hipsinto mine as he dug his hands into my ass. Pulling my body closer to his was the last thing I needed because I knew dropping to my knees and sucking him off in my kitchen probably wasn’t the smartest idea.
And as if he had heard my most sordid thoughts, Benny walked into the kitchen. Feeling like a kid caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing, I dropped my arms from around Noah and watchedas he adjusted himself. “Morning,” Noah said, addressing Benny from across the room.
“It’s okay, guys,” Benny said as he wobbled into the kitchen. “I mean, I don’t want to know if it was a banana or not, but I’m okay with it.”
Sick or not, this kid never ceased to amaze me with how quick he was. Sharp as a fucking tack and even if I was on the receiving end of it all, I still had the abilityto appreciate his sense of humor.
“Nice to see you’re feeling better.” Peeling back the lid to my coffee, I hoped that my easy, carefree tone would help make the situation as normal as possible. Making some lame-ass banana as a penis joke was a pretty crappy way to have your kid brother find out you’re gay. But since Benny didn’t push further, I gladly side-stepped that landmine for the timebeing.
But when Noah moved over to the table, took the seat next to Benny, and began asking him how he was feeling, I knew everything was already as normal as it was going to be. “Been able to keep down some water?” Noah asked. Even though he was trying to be discreet about it, I could tell he was examining Benny. To anyone else, it seemed as if Noah was just engaging in casual conversation.But I saw him, looking in Benny’s eyes, evaluating the coloring in his face, looking for any sign that something was lingering in the background.
As Benny answered, “Yeah. Came in here and got a bottle of water from the fridge last night. Been good since you guys set me up in my room,” I pulled another bottle for him. That meant he’d probably seen us asleep on the couch, cuddled together. Bennydidn’t mention it, so I wasn’t about to. Maybe after Noah had left, I’d talk to him about it all.
That seems like the right thing to do. Right? Isn’t that what single parents did when they started seeing someone?The thoughts racing through my head affected me in a way I hadn’t even seen coming. Holy shit. I was a single parent. Were Noah and I even dating? Fuck. I should have been thinking aboutBenny in all of this. How would it all affect him?
Catching my balance on the counter, unwillingly brought both Noah and Benny’s attention to me. “You okay?” Noah asked, wrapping his arm around my waist, helping me stand upright.
“Yeah,” I deflected, but my head spun. “I’m fine. Just tired,” I lied. After I righted myself against the counter, I watched as Noah talked with Benny. Maybe I hadnothing to worry about after all. Benny picked at his roll and Noah casually asked him some questions—which classes were his favorite, was he excited to start school in a few days? Of course, as did most things with Benny, the conversation took a turn toward soccer. “I’m actually co-captain this year,” Benny boasted, his pride shining through the remnants of his stomach bug.
“That’s awesome,”Noah chimed in, and his excitement was genuine. “I’d love to come see you play. What position?”
They continued to talk, but my ears were fixated on his last words. Here I was internally freaking out about how Benny would feel about me dating someone, if that was even what we were doing, and there was Noah, making plans for weeks in the future to watch him play soccer.
“I’m actually trying toget recruited.” This was news to me. Leaning forward, I listened intently as he continued. “There are a few division one schools I’ve been in contact with. My coach is setting up a few meetings. Syracuse might even be at my first game.”
“When is it?” I asked, ashamed I didn’t know already.
After a small sip of his water, he said, “Wednesday.”
“You better get some rest then,” Noah added. “Andlots of water. You’re going to need it after puking for the last twelve hours.”
“True.” He took another sip. “Thanks for the roll,” Benny said, as he wrapped up the rest of his breakfast. “I think I’ll save the rest for later though. Gonna go get some more sleep.”
As he walked out of the room, an odd sort of anxiety settled over me. In the last few weeks, I’d been so caught up in my own littleworld, I hadn’t even once thought about what Benny was going through. And there he was, almost like a stranger, walking away from me.
To make matters worse, as I refocused my attention back on Noah, who sat there smiling brightly from across the table, I felt even stranger. Did I have the right to make what I wanted a priority over taking care of Benny? Was I being responsible bringing Noah around?Was it fair to Benny? Was it fair to Noah?
Was it fair to me?
“You okay?” Noah asked, reaching across the table to rest his hand on top of mine.
For the second time this morning, I lied, telling him, “Yeah, I’m fine.” My head spun a little as I stood from my chair. “I… uh… I should get a move on. I need to get to the store, and then the gym. And I have work tonight,” I rambled, trying desperatelynot to sound like I was kicking him out. But more than anything, I needed some space.
“Sure. Yeah,” he began, standing from his chair and then pushing it in. “I have work later anyway, so I’ll uh, I guess I’ll see you later.” His words carried the awkward weight of the moment. It comforted me only slightly to know he seemed unsure of it all, too.
I walked him to the door, hoping he’d just leavewithout saying a word, but whatever I did know about Noah told me that would be the last thing to happen. He crossed the threshold and just as I knew he would, he turned around, resting his shoulder on the door frame. Looking as sexy as sin itself, the long lines of his body were illuminated by the sun shining behind him. The light scruff dusting his hard jawline made my fingers itch to reachout and touch his cheek, to pull his face close to mine, to take his lips as if they actually belonged to me. And it took everything in my power not to do so. I knew I had to sort my shit out before doing that.
