“Don’t you think it kills me too?” His immediate response catches me off guard. Now it’s his turn to breathe deeply in some vain attempt to keep his emotions in check. “Maddy, please believe me. I do notwantto be away from you. I have tried my hardest to try to relocate. I even called schools on my own to see if they would take me. I just… I can’t not take the position.” He lets go of my hand and grips the steering wheel until his knuckles go white. Anger is starting to wash over him, and it might be the pregnancy hormones, but my emotions are winning the battle with my sanity.
Through my tears, I squeak out my last concerns. “I’m worried that you’ll leave me.”
Reid turns in his seat so abruptly that the Jeep actually shakes. “What?” His voice is menacingly quiet and laced with hurt.
As I gather my thoughts, all I can think isplease let this go differently than last time.
“I’m afraid of losing you. And right now, I’m afraid that if I tell you how I feel, I’m…well I’m just afraid that you’ll walk away again.” My voice shakes with uncertainty. “On one hand, I want you to take the internship and kick its ass. I want you to be the success I know you can be. It’s such an important thing for you and I hate that I resent it even just a little bit. But on the other hand, I want you with me. I know it’s selfish and immature, but I’m not going to deny that it’s how I feel. What I’m worried about, is that you’ll push me away because of how I’m feeling. I’m so worried about making the same mistake with you that I did when I told you I was pregnant. I…” My tears take over and I can’t even complete my thought.
Reid’s demeanor visibly changes and he leans forward in his seat. Angling his body towards mine, he pulls my face to his and wipes the tears from under my eyes. “God, I love you.” He kisses my lips sweetly and then my cheek before taking a deep breath to say, “I’m so ashamed of how I reacted to you, but you have to understand how new all of this relationship crap is to me. And hearing that your girlfriend is pregnant isn’t exactly your everyday relationship drama. I screwed up and I’m so sorry for that. But I will never walk out on you again. I promise.” There’s a finality to his words that I can’t help but believe.
“You spent way too long bottling up how you’re feeling and if we’re being honest here, that played as much of a part in us fighting as my stupidity.” He eyes me and I nod my agreement. I know that I’m just as much to blame as he is, if not even more.
“Here’s the thing, Maddy. This internship isn’t just about me. It isn’t about you or us. I have to take it. Even though it’s going to kill me to be away from you, from this place,” he waves in the general direction of the apartment we just toured, “I have to take the job. For Shane.”
If it’s possible, I love him even more.
I take his hands in mine and bring them up to my lips. My foolishness is forgotten and I scold myself for thinking his taking the job had anything to do with not wanting to be with me.
Reid pulls his hands from mine and cups my cheek gently in his palm. “Maddy, I want to be here with you, but I can’t. I owe it to him. Fuck, I owe him more than I can ever give him. If I can help just one kid as a result of this job…if I can help one person for the rest of my lifetime, then maybe in some way, I can feel less guilty about everything that happened with Shane.” His words are shaking with emotion.
Taking stock of the situation, I realize that taking this job will help him heal the wounds of his past just as much as it will help me heal mine.
Removing his hand from my face, I pull it to my lips one more time. “Then we’ll find a way to make it work. I’m sorry for doubting you. I’m working through my issues too. Let’s think about the apartment for a while. We don’t need to make any decisions right now anyway.”
He nods and says, “Okay,” but I can hear the hurt in his voice. I do want to live with him; it’s just a lot to take in right now.
We exchange a bittersweet smile. We’re both so wounded in so many ways, and both so willing to learn how to stay together.
By the time we get home, Momma is there already. She’s gone a little crazy making Christmas cookies and decorating. The whole house looks like Buddy the Elf paid a visit.
Walking into the kitchen, she pulls me into a tight embrace and asks, “How did everything go?”
I know that she was more nervous about the doctor’s appointment than she let on. “It was great. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat and everything.” Reid says as he shows her the sonogram and Momma all but glows with pride and happiness.
I take stock of the scene unfolding in the kitchen. There’s flour and eggshells scattered all over the counters and the sink is overflowing with dishes. “Went a little overboard, huh?” I elbow her playfully in the side and she eyes the scene.
“Well, I just…I guess I just wanted to make it special.” Her eyes meet Reid’s and no other words are needed. She’s giving him the holiday he never had, just like he did for me.
Having his fair share of emotional conversation for the day, Reid kisses Momma on the cheek and excuses himself to go unload the Jeep.
“Thanks, Momma. You’re like a fairy Godmother or something like that.” I wrap my arm around her waist and she pulls me to her side.
Brushing off my words, she says, “Oh, it’s nothing. Now help me get this last batch out of the oven.”
As I’m bending down to pull out a tray, Reid comes back into the kitchen with his bag slung over his shoulder. I catch him checking out my ass and shake it teasingly for him. Momma, who I thought was facing the sink, catches our little exchange and laughs at us.
Reid drops his bag in the entry way and stands in the doorway of the kitchen staring at the two of us decorating cookies. Clueless is a word that would best describe the look on his face.
He literally looks like he’s afraid to offer to help, his manhood obviously in question. I laugh at him and roll my eyes as I walk across the room to the refrigerator. I pull out a beer, twist off the top and as I hand it to him, I say, “Go in the den. Turn on the television and go watch a game or something. We’ll call you when dinner is ready.”
“Thanks, babe.” He kisses the top of my head and struts away and down the two steps that lead to the den.
When he’s out of hearing range, I turn to Momma to clarify something that’s been on my mind. There’s really no subtle way to go about this, but I don’t want to be disrespectful. “Can I ask you something?”
My unsure question draws her attention away from the stack of dishes in which she’s trying to make a dent. Wiping her hands on a dishtowel, she leans against the counter and says, “Sure, sweetie. What’s up?”
“Well, I just wanted to know…I mean...where did you want Reid to…um…sleep tonight?” My voice cracks a little on the word sleep and she just laughs at me.
