I stare at my phone and will him to text me back. I want him to respond immediately. He always does. Well, he always used to. I wait for what feels like forever, but in reality it’s no more than five minutes. When it’s clear that he’s not going to respond, I start to worry that maybe he is with someone else. I can only assume that his phone is turned off. He obviously doesn’t want to be bothered.
Feeling completely dejected and alone, I decide to take a shower and wash away the grime of the day. I turn the water on, and while it heats up, I pull my hair into a messy bun. I wrap my cast in a plastic supermarket bag and test the water with my other hand.
Stepping under the steaming spray, my mind drifts to thoughts of Reid. As the water glides over my body, it leaves a hot path in its wake. I lather up the bar of soap as much as I can and smooth the bubbles across my still flat belly. I can’t help but wonder how long before it will become a cute, little, round baby-bump. I wrap my arm around my waist, but I fantasize that it’s Reid’s strong arm ensnaring me in its grasp. The steam cascades all around me, but what I feel is Reid’s warm breath reducing me to a boneless puddle of desire. Thinking of his talented fingers, I run my hands up from my belly towards my breasts. The pregnancy has made my nipples sensitive and tender to the touch. Sore though they may be, they ache to be touched, rolled and twisted.
I arch my back and press my breast into my tiny hand. It doesn’t have the same effect as Reid’s large palm cupping and grasping at my flesh, but thinking about him while I touch myself arouses me more than I thought possible.
Massaging my full, heavy breasts ignites sparks low in my belly. I pinch my nipple and feel my clit pulse and throb. My legs quake and my knees buckle. I wish I had the use of both hands. Hell, if I’m wishing for things, I wish Reid was in here with me – kissing me, touching me, making me come.
The thought of his hands on me, of his fingers in me, forces my hand away from my breast moving lower. Following the path back down towards my belly, shamefully, I almost pull away. Before I met Reid, sex was never of much importance to me. I never considered myself sexual at all, actually. But being with Reid has turned me into a lust filled, wanton creature. Spurred on by my inner sex goddess, I let my hand travel lower still, until it rests on the neatly trimmed hair of my mound.
Envisioning Reid’s hand wrapped around mine, I dip my fingers lower and brush them gently over my hot, wet lower lips. My legs shake again and my insides clench deliciously. I spread my lips apart and let my fingers graze repeatedly over my heated core. Wet heat floods my sex and my hardened clit begs for attention.
When my fingertip passes over the turgid nub of my arousal, a breathy moan escapes my lips. Somehow I manage to hold back the flesh surrounding my clit so that I can expose more of it to my inexperienced fingers. I know that I am touching myself, but in my head Reid is doing this to me. His large calloused fingers rub furious circles over my trembling, molten core until I’m right on the edge of losing control.
I arch my back again so that the scorching water beats a pulsating rhythm across my aroused and pebbled nipples. The added pressure from the water on my breasts stokes the fire that is burning in my sex.
Emboldened by my need to release this pent up desire, I move my fingers away from my clit and plunge them inside of my tight channel. Even though two of my fingers don’t even come close to the feel of one of Reid’s, I plunge them as deep as I can and curl them into that soft, fleshy spot that feels beyond amazing.
The image of Reid’s face buried in my folds as he licks and devours me, while his fingers are curled into this exact spot unleashes a new flood of desire. My climax is right there within my reach. With my fingers still inside, I manage to rub against my clit with my palm. It’s my hand that I’m grinding into, but in my fantasy it’s Reid’s tongue licking me in one large broad stroke. And it is with that image in my mind that I lose myself to my climax.
My hips buck wildly into my palm and I want to scream so badly. I want to call out his name, but somehow I manage to stifle my cries of pleasure. Thrusting my fingers deeper still, I imagine Reid’s cock sinking into me, disappearing into my dripping wet sex.
My inner walls pulse and flutter, as they tighten around my fingers. Waves of pleasure take over my entire body and even my nipples tingle with my release.
I begin to shiver as my body calms and the water turns cold. I wish that Reid was behind me, enveloping me in his warmth. At this point, the most I can hope for is a text or missed call from him. Much to my disappointment, neither of those things is waiting for me as I return to my room wrapped in a warm, fluffy, purple bath towel.
I dig out one of his T-shirts and lift it to my nose. It still smells like him and it makes my heart long for him even more than it already does.
I crawl into bed and my emotions careen all over the place. Physically, I miss Reid and his touch more than any amount of shower-time touching can replace. But it’s my heart that needs the most healing. I need to know that he still wants me as much as I want him. I need to know that we still have a chance - that I haven’t screwed us up beyond repair. I need to know that we have a future, because I’m not ready to commit us to our past just yet.
Cramped in a supremely uncomfortable waiting room chair, I try to get some sleep, but I fail miserably. I spent the better part of the night pacing in the parking lot. I couldn’t stand to be in the same building that I knew Alex was in. But after a while, it just got too cold to stay out there. Sometime around five in the morning, I came back inside.
Alex was smart – perhaps for the first time in her life – and left me alone. I didn’t see her after our little reunion. I assume that her shift is over, and that I will, in fact, never see her again. Honestly though, I don’t care. All I care about is getting out of here and getting back to Maddy.
Katie is curled up in the chair next to me sleeping peacefully, if somewhat uncomfortably, when Joe comes into the waiting room. The haggard and defeated look on his face suggests that Mom is not doing well. Katie shifts in her chair as Joe approaches us. She’s awake almost instantly and I can tell she sees the same thing on his face that I do – fear.
“How is she?” Katie’s voice shakes with tenuous emotions. She’s already lost her mother. Now, the woman who has come closest to replacing that figure in her life is being taken away from her. I might not ever be able to see things completely from Katie’s point of view, but right here, looking at the fear washing over Katie’s deep brown eyes, I can see some of her rationale.
Joe slinks down into the chair next to Katie. He swipes his hand over his face as it if will erase the worry that’s etched onto his features. “She’s stable now, but it was a heart attack. We knew that the chemo was weakening her heart, but it was worse than we thought apparently.”
Katie wraps her arms around her father and cries softly into his chest. “So what did they say, then? I mean is she going to be okay?” I ask, even though I have a pretty good feeling of what the answer will be.
Katie pulls back from Joe’s arms and wipes her eyes. She looks up at him expectantly. She’s obviously holding out hope for the best.
Joe clears his throat before speaking. “Well, if she remains stable, she might be able to go home in the next few days, but the doctors think …” Joe loses the battle with his emotions and begins sobbing.
When his sobs subside, he continues in a wobbly, uncertain voice. “They think this is the beginning of the end. They have to run a few more tests, but in addition to the heart attack, they’re pretty certain that the cancer is spreading. There isn’t anything that anyone can do at this point. They’re…they’re pretty much sending her home to die.”
Katie squeezes him tightly as he kisses the top of her head. But suddenly, I’m seething with anger and pain.
I shoot up out of my chair, suddenly overwhelmed by all of the sadness.
Maddy’s dead parents. My dead brother. Katie’s dead mom. Five long years of distance and emptiness. My current separation from Maddy. Enough is enough.
Joe stands and walks over to me. He can tell I’m pissed and he’s trying to comfort me, trying to be there for me, but there’s only one person from whom I want comfort. And now more than ever, I am going to get her back.
He claps a hand on my shoulder and I refuse to cry. I promised myself when I left that I would never shed a tear for my family again.
