Robert leaned back against the cold stone wall behind him and closed his eyes. The longing within him threatened to overwhelm him. Marrying her would be his fondest desire. To live with her as husband and wife would fulfill the dreams he had hidden for many months. But his connection to Struan and Sandy made it impossible. For a woman could not marry her dead husband’s sibling, even one who was illegitimate. His choice of her, and the place within the clan he would gain through acknowledgment, was as impossible now as before. And wishing it to be done could not make it so.
“She is yer brother’s widow. The old church teaches that ’tis a man’s responsibility to care for his dead brother’s family. ’Tis a long-held custom, Robert, one still honored and even practiced by many here in Dunbarton.”
“But Anice doesna practice the old church, Ada. Nor would Struan or the MacNab recognize the marriage. I fear ’tis just folly to believe it could be the way.” He tamped down the longing and knew it would never work out.
“Do ye love her, lad?”
He nodded, unable to speak the words.
“Would ye have her as wife?”
Again, he nodded.
“Then seek out Faither Cleirach before ye rule this as something impossible. Hear his words and decide.” When he would have argued, she added, “She can consent to the marriage and not ken that ye and Sandy were brothers. Mayhap that would soothe yer mind.”
“Ye are suggesting that I deceive her into marriage?”
“Nay, no’ that. Just tell her that Faither Cleirach will hear yer vows wi’out the posting of banns or the witnesses. Ye can be married before she returns to Dunnedin and ye can face Struan as man and wife.”
“And will he?” He must be crazy to even begin to let thoughts of this into his mind. He could only blame it on his desire and love for her.
“Are ye willing to give up yer dream of being named as Struan’s son?”
She brought up the worst of it. He would need to forget about being Struan’s son, and the one who should be heir, in order to have her. For although there may be a priest willing to hear the vows and declare them married, forcing his true identity on the clan would be asking for trouble. Her father could seek an annulment if he knew the truth. So, he could hope to one day take his place among the clan as the son of the laird, or he could marry her and keep his secret forever.
His heart now told him there was truly only one choice.
“If she will have me to husband, I will.”
20
The sound of hoofs moving down the now-dried path woke her from her sleep. ’Twas still twilight outside, due more to the season, she suspected, than the time. She stood and gathered a plain shawl around her shoulders against the chill. She stayed back in the shadows of the doorway until she could see who approached. From the size and shape of the man on the horse, she knew it was him. Robert had returned and now she would know her fate.
He drew up close to the croft and pulled the stallion to a halt. Jumping to the ground, he loosened several sacks that were tied to his saddle and carried them inside. She reached out to take them from him.
“Food for us, Anice. I am hungry and certain that ye must be as well. I will see to Dubh and be back shortly.”
She could only nod at his words and watch him walk out of the cottage. Food? How could she eat with her life hanging in the balance? Men were so strange; their stomachs and their cocks seemed to control their lives. One appetite or the other had to be satisfied almost every waking hour of each day. ’Twas a wonder to her that they accomplished anything at all besides eating and tupping.
Anice opened the sacks and checked inside each one. Finding some roasted pigeons and bread, she placed the food on one of the wraps on the table. She found a round of yellow cheese and added it to the rest. She pulled a bench closer and sat. Robert entered a few minutes later, carrying more supplies and two skins.
“Good, ye found the candles,” Robert said, pointing at the few tallow lengths she used to light the cottage. “I forgot wherethey were usually stored here when we arrived so late last night. How is the bairn?”
“Asleep for the night.”
He simply grunted and seated himself opposite her. Tearing off a chunk of bread, he stuffed it in his mouth and followed it with a mouthful from one of the skins. Her stomach tightened with every passing moment. Was he going to eat a complete meal without telling her anything? She stared at his movements as his hands went between the food and his mouth. After a few times, she slammed her hands on the table and stood.
“Is something wrong, mil... Anice?”
“Wrong? I have been sitting here all day waiting for you to return with a plan and you eat?”
She realized her tone of voice too late to stop it. But instead of anger, Robert’s face lightened at her words. She frowned, thoroughly confused.
“I thought ye might be hungry after three days of nothing more than oatcakes and water. And ye had this set out and ready for me. Are ye no’ ready to eat then?”
She tried to tamp down her impatience—he had been on the road all day while she stayed here resting and caring for the bairn. Once she had realized that she no longer had the courage or desire to take her own life, a sense of anticipation had grown within her. Surely there was some dread mixed in with it, since she did not know if she could convince her father and Struan to let her keep the babe with her, no matter who they married her to. She hoped that Angus would be accepting enough to allow his new wife to bring her bairn with her to their home. Any number of things could go wrong, but she knew now that her focus must stay on keeping her son.
She shook her head. “Robert, truthfully, I could not eat a bite. My stomach rebels even at the smell.”
