I press harder on the wound, watching his blood blot the fabric. My trembling persists. Even my bones feel frozen. “Your only chance of survival is to reach the door,” I whisper. Then, with bitterness: “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” When I do not reply, he goes on, “Will you look at me, bird?”
I cannot. It is too treacherous, his gaze. I will fall into it like a darkened well.
“Don’t worry,” I say, still avoiding his eyes. “I p-promised to help you win, and I keep my word. We’ll find the door. You will have your victory.”
The air stirs sluggishly, as though the strength of his power has begun to weaken. “You are… angry with me?”
“This has nothing to do with anger, Eurus. I’ve only realized how much time I have wasted. The sooner we find the door, the sooner you can kill the council. You will have your revenge; I will have my life back.” Though I cannot say what will happen when we leave the City of Gods, I do know this: I am ready to begin. “St. Laurent is where I belong.”
The East Wind bites back a groan as he shifts position, curling partially onto his side. I continue to apply pressure, relieved when the blood starts to clot. “And what if I wish for you to belong with me?”
It pierces my most tender wounds, these words, these lies. And from that hurt, something sharp and uncompromising is born.
“I see wh-what this is,” I say. “It is not enough that I have agreed to help you win, is it. You want something more? Well, I have nothing to give. You have already taken everything of value from me, and I refuse to belong to s-someone who is claimed by another.”
“What?”
This feigned shock is just one more manipulation, I tell myself. I won’t fall for it. “I will not repeat myself.”
“Please, bird,” he says, breath ragged. “What do you mean ‘claimed by another’?”
As if he hasn’t the slightest notion. But—fine. At the very least, it may offer me some relief.
“I never told you how w-wonderful of a time I was having at the tavern,” I begin, my callous tone contradicting the gentleness with which I bandage his wound. “I enjoyed our time together. I felt like… like myself. And I know that must sound silly to you, but I don’t think I ever really knew what th-th-that felt like before that moment.” Back in St. Laurent, there was no space for Min. I was forever obscured by Lady Clarisse’s shadow.
“I was having a nice time as well,” Eurus offers tentatively.
Right. I tie off the bandage, glaring at him. “I suppose that explains why you left me to speak with Demi.” At his look of confusion, I add, “You were…”Happy. Present. Alive.“Laughing,” I manage to push out.“And I realized you had n-never laughed with me, and maybe I wanted that. Maybe I thought you wanted that, too. You told me from the very beginning not to trust you. I didn’t listen. I was your captive, and—”
As Eurus reaches for me, I shove to my feet, arms curled around my middle. Let the distance be my shield when I have none.
“What are you talking about?” he says in bewilderment. His expression tightens as he drags himself into a seated position, his breathing labored.
“I heard y-you. You told Demi I was nothing to you!” And oh, I cannot hold on to this pain any longer. It pours from my eyes and down my face. It splits my heart in two. “And I was stupid enough to believe otherwise. To think th-that you cared f-f-for me.”
Eurus stares at me somberly, wings half stretched. “Bird.”
“I didn’t plan this,” I croak. “I h-hated you. You, who stole me from my home. All you cared about was using me. Exploiting me like some draft horse, there to do your b-bidding. It s-s-sickened me. And yet, there must be something wrong with me. There has to be. It’s the only explanation for why I f-found it in myself to treat you with compassion when you did n-not deserve it. Why I grew to care for you.
“And maybe that was m-my mistake,” I go on. “Trusting that there was room for change in you. Thinking, wishing, hoping that I might be worthy of being cared for, or lo—” I swallow and change course. “Hoping that you had been changed by me as I have been changed by you.”
Another mistake. Another stupid dream.
I shake my head, turn back to face the East Wind. He sits slumped against the wall, his brow crimped beneath a fall of limp black hair. His mask is the toughest I have encountered, but all at once, the veneer thaws and all is made harsh and bright. It hurts him, to hear these things.
“Please,” he whispers. “Let me explain.”
I tighten my arms around my shaking form. Too painful to stay,too risky to leave. In the end, my fatigued legs give out, and I slide down the cave wall opposite him.
“First,” he says, searching my gaze in the gloom, “it is obvious I have caused you much pain. I want to apologize for that. It is the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
I blink, suddenly uncertain. I did not expect an apology. I expected… well, I don’t know, exactly. Knowing Eurus, I assumed he would brush aside my hurt, redirect the conversation to calmer waters, the matter resolved, yet…He hears me.
“Second,” he says in a quieter tone, “I should not have said what I did. My words were hurtful, as I wanted them to be. But it is not for the reason you think, bird.” The East Wind shudders, cups his hands around his mouth, blows into them. “I said those things because I didn’t want Demi to know how important you are to me.”
The chill that has consumed my body subtly abates as my lower belly warms. I hear his sincerity, but what he said before… “Why?”
