“Yep, one sec.” I take a long moment to hug and kiss both Max and Andy before following Ben out to the driveway. He already has the truck started and is sitting in the driver’s seat, staring forward while he waits for me.
He starts driving without saying anything. I should probably wait for him to say something. But I don’t do that. Instead, I blurt out: “Listen. I’m sorry we made you uncomfortable. You and Idon’t have to have any sort of relationship if you don’t want to. But forcing me to go home just because of that is kind of fucked up. You and I can just have a conversation and figure out where the boundaries are. I’m sure Andy is probably going to try and push them but - “
“Charlie, it’s okay. I’m just taking you home to get some more clothes. I want you to stay,” Ben’s words stop mine in their tracks.
“Like stay, stay?” I ask, confused.
“I’m not really sure what that means. But I don’t trust this Chuck guy to not show up at your place and your mom’s place will be fine without you in it. I want you to come stay with all of us until we can figure this situation out. I thought you’d want to go home and grab more of your stuff though.”
“Oh.” I really don’t know what to say.
“I like you, Charlie. A lot. You’re the first girl I have felt anything for in a long time and that has stirred up a lot of feelings that I’ve tried really hard to tamp down. I can’t promise that it’s going to be easy, and I need to do this in my own time. But you make my brothers really happy, and I want some of that happiness too, even if I don’t deserve it.”
“You deserve happiness too Ben.” My words are firm, but gentle at the same time. I’m probably pushing my luck, but decide to ask, “Why do you think you’re cursed?”
“It’s a long, sad story firefly and I don’t want you to think less of me.”
“Impossible. I could never think less of my hero,” I retort, giving him a shy smile.
I notice Ben wince slightly at the word hero, but he sighs and starts to tell me the story:
“I didn’t have a very good childhood growing up. My mom was great, but my dad could be a real hard ass. He’s a mill worker and one of those types of men that would rather digest nails than talk about their feelings. If I acted out, he would punish me and tell me that I was killing my mother with my shitty behaviour. Mom used to protect me from that, but then she got sick, andshe was spending more and more time at the hospital, and I was left home alone or with my dad more and more. When we’d visit her at the hospital, my dad would tell me not to tell her about anything bad that happened. So that I wouldn’t poison her further because I was so rotten.”
Ben stops for a moment and grips the steering wheel harder. I take the opportunity to scooch myself closer to him on the truck bench and rest my hand on his leg. He sighs again, and continues:
“She died when I was eight and any love I thought my dad might have had for me disappeared the same day. I was nothing more than a burden to him and he never missed an opportunity to tell me so. He also told me that it was my fault my mom died. That I was a rotten, no-good child and that if I had justbehavedbetter, she would still be here. I didn’t believe him at first, but life got worse and worse, and the root of the issue always seemed to be me. My temper. My choices. My selfishness. My mom was so good and so pure. She was the light of our family, and I snuffed it out.”
“Oh Ben,” I murmur. He takes one hand off the steering wheel to grip mine.
“I was so lucky to have met Max and Andy. Life got better when I got to know them. Max used to invite me over for dinner whenever he knew my dad was working late and it got to a point where I was spending more time at Max’s house than my own. My dad didn’t seem to notice or care, and I was just happy to have somewhere where I felt wanted. Max always took the time to listen, and when I told him about my mom he helped me convince myself that it wasn’t my fault.”
“Because it wasn’t,” I interject.
“And for a while I believed that. But then this one day in the tenth grade, we’re all standing by our lockers and there’s this guy who just won’t leave this eighth grade girl alone. I tried to stay out of it, to ignore it, but then he had her pinned against the lockers and I just saw red. I ended up beating the shit out of that guy and got suspended from school. My dad was furious, and we got intoa huge fight about it. I ended up running away to Max’s house and his parents took me in officially. I never went back home after that and have had very little contact with my dad ever since.”
“Good.” What kind of monster treats his kid that way?
Ben lets out another breath, “So this is the part that Max gave you the limited version of. That girl I saved was Mara and she was the love of my life. At first, she was this annoying little twerp that would follow us around between classes and always wanted to be where ‘her hero’ was. We would try and hang out without her but then she would find some way to be where we were anyways, including getting rides from random creeps and putting herself in danger for no good reason. So Max, Andy, and I all agreed it was better to just let her hang out with us so that she didn’t get into trouble. We were all really good friends for a couple years, then stupid freaking Andy tells me that he’s thinking of asking Mara out and it pissed me off. Andy is a slut, and Mara was too precious to be sullied by him.”
I snort at the Andy being a slut comment, but I think I know where this is going.
“Turns out he did that just to rile me up so I would stop denying that I loved Mara. She told the guys about how much she was into me and apparently would never shut up about me so Andy decided to take matters into his own hands. It worked though. I asked Mara out and we were inseparable after that. We survived the two-year age gap and the awkwardness of her still being in high school while I was in college. We even survived her parents' disapproval of her dating me.”
“How could her parents not like you?”
“I don’t really know. I know the age difference bothered them, even though it was only 2 freaking years. Then I guess maybe my upbringing had something to do with it too. Mara’s parents threw her a grad party when she was done high school, and I had this weird moment with her dad where he basically told me he thought I wasn’t good enough for her and he wished that I wouldjustlet her go,”he growls the last few words.
“Which you obviously didn’t,” I say, hoping Ben will continue.
“No, I didn’t. I left that party angry and when I told Mara what her dad said to me, she was mad at him too. We moved into an apartment together shortly after that and I spent the next few years avoiding her parents at every opportunity. She was so close with her parents and I know it was hard on her, but I already had so much rejection in my short life that I wasn’t willing to subject myself to it voluntarily. Her parents threw a party for her graduating college too and Mara BEGGED me to go, but I refused. We were going to a lake party afterwards so I compromised with her and told her that I would go early to get us a good spot for her tent, and she didn’t really like it but said it was fine.” Ben squeezes my hand and takes a deep breath before he continues.
“I spent the whole night angry with her Charlie. I thought she blew me off because she was mad that I didn’t go to her grad party. I remember thinking she was childish and deciding to race home the next morning to give her a piece of my mind. I can still remember what my phone sounded like once I drove back into cell service. It wouldn’t stop. Text after text and dozens of missed calls. I finally pulled over to see what was going on and ... well you know what happened. She died annoyed with me because I couldn’t suck it up and go to a stupid party with her. She died on her way out to me becauseIwas the one who was being childish. She died because of me, and my shitty behaviour cursed her just like it cursed my mom.”
A tear rolls downs Ben’s cheek, and I try my best to hold back my own.
“After the funeral I decided I couldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t risk the life of another woman I loved just so I could be happy. I moved out of the apartment I shared with her and have been wallowing in my grief since then.”
“Ben ...” I start, but he squeezes my hand.
