I wanted to say I didn’t mean to.
I wanted to tell her how horrible and guilty I felt that Nate's family had to take care of me, even in their own grief.
But my tongue felt heavy, useless.
Eli drove me to my doctor's appointment.
The waiting room smelled like lemon cleaner and snow.
People glanced at me and then away, as if they recognized me but weren’t sure they should.Or maybe it was that they could feel the waves of grief coming off of me like a physical thing.
The ultrasound tech spoke softly, her hands warm on my skin.
“There’s the heartbeat,” she said.
I heard it, rapid, strong, alive, but it didn’t reach me.It sounded like something happening to someone else. She called my name and asked me a question.The numb didn't let it through.But then I heard, "....a Girl!"
The doctor came in next, a worried look on her face.
“Tessa… you’ve lost weight,” she said gently.“More than I’d like to see at this stage.”
I nodded.
“You need to eat.And rest.Get some fresh air if you can.Your body is under a lot of stress.”
I nodded again.
She asked if I had support.
Eli’s hand squeezed mine.
“Yes,” he answered for me.“She does.”
But I felt alone.
Surrounded, but alone.
Like grief had wrapped itself around me in layers no one else could peel back.
Back at Chase’s place, I crawled into bed without thinking.
Kenzie followed, lying down beside me again, one hand resting lightly on my back.
“Sleep if you can,” she whispered.
But sleep didn’t come.
Only the slow ache of a world that used to have Nate in it and now didn’t.
Only the sound of my heartbeat and another, quieter one under it, a heartbeat that deserved more than whatever this half-version of me was.
I knew I needed to do better.For the baby.For the Carsons and everyone else around me who were too afraid to grieve, too scared to take their eyes off of me.
But right now…
Right now, I was drowning too deep to reach for anything or anyone.
Chapter 49 - Tessa
