It was like something inside me had shut off a valve to stop me from drowning, not realizing the silence was worse.
She braided my hair and told me she would be back tomorrow.
I don’t know if I thanked her.
I don’t think I did.
When she left, she squeezed my shoulder and whispered, “Try to rest, sweetheart.”
Rest felt impossible.
Because every time I closed my eyes, I was back on that icy road.
Back on the ground.
Back to his chest, stuttering under my palms.
Back to the way his eyes lit up for just a second when he saw the ultrasound photo.
The nightmares weren’t scenes, they were sensations.
Like the cold, the blood were swallowing me.
The words “That’s our baby” echoed and scorched like a live wire.
I woke gasping, drenched in sweat, hands shaking so hard I curled them into fists to stop them.Kenzie sat up instantly, every time, like she wasn’t sleeping at all.
“Hey,” she whispered, rubbing my back.“You’re okay.You’re here.Breathe.”
But breathing felt too heavy.
At some point in the night...or morning?I couldn’t tell...Kenzie climbed under the blanket and pulled me into her chest.I lay stiff in her arms for a long time.Eventually… my body softened.A little.Not much.But enough to stop shaking.
Days passed, I think.I heard Chase talking to someone in the hallway about what he could do to help me if I kept refusing food.
Then Maggie was there in front of me.The curtains had been pulled back to show the blinding winter sun against the freshly fallen snow.
I forced myself to sit up, my body achy and tired despite being in bed for....I didn't know.
“John and I stopped by your place, Tessa.To grab you some things.I got your prenatal vitamins,” she said gently.“You need to take them, and you need to eat.”
I nodded numbly and took one.
Time passed in shadows and light.
People filtered through with it, asked again if I’d taken my vitamins, if I had drunk enough water....I couldn’t remember.
Time didn’t feel real.
It slipped.
It tilted.
It rewound and froze and lurched forward without warning.At one point, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, staring at the grout between tiles, not knowing how I got there.Someone was knocking on the door, worried, but the knocking sounded distant, like I was underwater again.
“You’re scaring us,” Kenzie said when she finally got in.
I wanted to say I was sorry.
