“…family room is too small, let them stay here…”
Every sound is both too loud and too far away.I’m in my body, but not.I’m here but floating just behind myself.
Until the doors open and a blast of cold air hits my back.Then Maggie is in front of me with John, she is saying something, but it feels far away.She drops into the chair next to me, and I think she is talking to me, but I cannot focus; I keep staring at the ultrasound picture like it will fix everything.Then her voice breaks through just for a moment, "Tessa, what...what is that in your hand?"It feels like I am pulled back under, and then I hear her again, "Oh my God, Eli, is that what I think it is?"
I don't hear his answer because another set of doors pulls my focus: a hydraulic hiss, the soft squeak of footsteps.Everything inside me freezes, because this is what I have been dreading.
The doctor appears, still in his trauma scrubs.He walks in a straight line and stops right in front of the Carsons and me.They all stand, but I can't.I cannot because I know what is coming.I can feel it.But I am still not ready to face it.
"Mr.and Mrs.Carson?"
Everything narrows to his voice, so I miss what else is said.But I can only focus on him.
"Ms.Lane..."He says it so gently that I want to scream and cry, I want to throw something.Beg for it not to be true, but I can't.I cannot even meet his eyes.My fingers crush the ultrasound even tighter.Eli wraps his arm around my shoulder.
The doctor crouches a little, lowering himself to my line of sight, voice warming like he isn't preparing to detonate a bomb.
“I’m very sorry,” he says.
The words aren't loud, or sharp...but they are final.A weight to them so brutal it feels like I cannot breathe, like a door has been slammed shut on my rib cage.
“We did everything we could,” he continues, voice warping as the ringing in my ear’s spikes.“His injuries were too severe.The impact caused massive internal trauma...”
The room tilts around me as my vision flickers.The doctor keeps talking, but I’m not hearing much anymore, just pieces, underwater and warbled.
“…collapsed lung…”
“…cardiac compromise…”
“…we attempted resuscitation…”
“…time of death…”
Time of death...The world exhales, and everything inside me collapses like a house with the foundation ripped out.Something between a gasp and a moan tears from my throat without permission.
I look up, and I can feel the tears streaming down my face; everything blurs, but I see Kenzie cover her mouth, trying to hide her sobs.Maggie crumples beside me, and John catches her, burying his face in her shoulder.Chase stands abruptly, fists clenched so tight his arms shake.Tears carve down his face, dropping onto the sterile tile.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes.“I tried...I swear...I tried...”
He drops to his knees in front of me, but I cannot meet his eyes.I know if I do, there will be no coming back.I stare instead at the blood smear.His blood.On our baby.
The doctor reaches out, maybe to offer some comfort, but I flinch away.I don't want his comfort.I fold inward, forehead touching Chase's shoulder, and a low, keening sound vibrates out of me.
Everyone is reeling from the news, trying to process the loss, but then...a new voice breaks through the fog.I know that voice, it is fake, too smooth and too calm.It is so far out of place in this world-ending moment.
“Miss Lane?”
I pull back from Chase, chest heaving, trying to blink through the tears.
My eyes narrow on three men in suits who stand a few feet away.My whole body reacts.Becauseheis here, they arehere.I recognize a few...the GM, the PR director, the Coach, with a few other people behind them with...cameras?I can feel my body start to shake.
They look out of place among the grief-stricken, as if someone had invited greed to a funeral.
The GM, Ray, clears his throat, expression pressed into something resembling sympathy.
“We’re truly devastated,” he says.“The organization is heartbroken by this loss.”
The organization...not him...not a person...but an entity.Something that means nothing and everything wrong.The PR director steps in, lowering his voice like we’re discussing business.
