“I can try, but it’s hard, Monte. I’m terrified they will see me and they won’t like what they see.”
That was the absolute truth of it. I doubted I’d ever been so candid with myself, let alone share that with someone else. Yet I knew he was a safe space to talk about it. I hated that it reminded him of his father, but that wasn’t my fault either.
“You are already enough, Zoey.”
I heard his words. I appreciated them, but in my heart, I didn’t feel them. And when I realized that I was comfortable enough to actually discuss this with him and allow myself to be this vulnerable, it shocked me. Maybe it was because he’d already confessed his love, or maybe it was because I loved and trusted him enough to let him into my dark spaces.
“Logically I can understand that, but I don’t feel it. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel that way about myself. We all have demons, Monte. Yours just don’t live within. And I’ll probably always battle imposter syndrome no matter how popular my channel is or how many times you remind me of this. That’s a battle you can’t fight for me. I just have to know, is it something you can live with? Because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight, if ever. I can try to relax some but it’s not going to be easy. It’s almost like second nature to me now, a defense mechanism if you will.”
I waited with my heart racing to hear his response. I couldn’t believe I’d just laid it all out there like that.
An awkward silence fell between us as he considered my question.
This is it. He won’t accept me after this no matter how much he loves me. Because deep down, I know I’m not goodenough for him. All of this was too good to be true. And the truth of it all hurts like a sonofabitch.
“You’re beating yourself up over this now, aren’t you?”
My eyes flew up to meet his and I wanted to retreat. A part of me needed to run away, to firmly replace the mask so he wouldn’t see how much this was hurting me. I felt vulnerable beyond my comfort zone, and I feared if I opened my mouth to answer that he’d know the truth . . . that I really wasn’t worth his love.
That was the crux of it all. I wanted people to like me. I wanted him to love me. But at the end of the day, I didn’t truly believe I was worthy of any of it.
“I see it now. I hadn’t really put it together before you explained why you wear the mask. It’s fascinating.”
I just stared up at him sadly as I braced for him to end things between us, so certain it was coming.
“I don’t like the mask, but I do understand now why you hide behind it. And for strangers, fans, the show, I can be okay with that. But I want my friends to know you—the real you. We haven’t spent any real time with them. They’re important to me. And you are important to me. Do you think you can try to let your guard down a bit and get to know them too?”
I stared at him in confusion.
“You want me to get to know your friends?”
He nodded.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. I know it won’t be easy at first. I mean, besides me is there anyone you truly feel comfortable just being yourself around?”
I nodded. “My family and my Pack back home. They only know me. And sometimes I let my guard down with my sorority sisters. Fine, some more than others.”
“So you’ll try?”
“I want them to like me because they’re important to you,” I confessed.
“I don’t need you to impress them, just get to know them and let them get to know you, too.”
I found myself nodding. “I’ll try.”
Monte
Chapter 25
Zoey already knew most of the guys even though they didn’t truly know her. They at least liked her, and I knew when she finally let her guard down with them, they were going to love her as much as I did. But I was a little nervous introducing her to the girls.
We decided that it would be best to do it at the house instead of a neutral public place where she would risk being noticed.
Over the last few days she’d grown more comfortable at the house, and I was happy to see her befriend Lauren as well.
“Don’t worry, Zoey. They can be a lot together, but I think you’re going to love them.”
