“I want to get into bed with you. I’m not doing that with jeans on and neither are you.” I say this matter of factly, because it’s not like we’ve never seen one another mostly naked before. “You can turn around if this really makes you uncomfortable.”
And he does. He actually does. My sweet Andy turns around and waits until he hears me rustle the sheets. Then he takes off his jeans and slides into bed next to me. I give him my back so he can be the big spoon and we lay like that for a long time. His breathing is slow and even though I can’t tell whether he’s fallen asleep, I turn around, wanting to see his face.
“You okay?” He whispers, brushing the hair off my temple, softly running his hands through it in a way that makes me feel both cherished and cared for. I love that he takes care of me even when I should be taking care of him.
I nod, looking at him and quietly say, “I want you to be my first, Andy.” Slowly I slip my fingers under the hem of his shirt to touch his back, moving my body closer to him so we’re flush with one another.
“Lainey, you know how much I love you and want you, but we don’t have to do this.” He swallows hard and closes his eyes as I take his hand and place it over my breast.
“I know. I want to. I trust you and I want to give this part of myself to you.” I kiss him slowly, softly and start to pull his shirt up. He quickly removes it and we fumble to get mine off, unclasping my bra as well so that we’re both almost naked, lying side by side, just in our underwear now.
When he slowly pulls my panties down, then does the same with his boxers, I feel… ready. I know this is the right person, the right moment. There is no one else I could ever want to do this for the first time with other than him.
Andy kisses my neck and my jaw, being tender with me every step of the way. He touches me everywhere, putting his mouth places no one has ever done before. When I try to rush him, he gently pins my hands over my head, continuing to kiss my skin achingly slowly. “I need you to be ready,” he murmurs. “I need this to be good for you, so I’m gonna make you come once, maybe twice, before I lose myself inside you.”
He makes good on his word and I come on his fingers, then his mouth. Somehow it’s not enough and I’m nearly ready to beg him to be inside me when he finally positions himself over me after putting on a condom. Andy looks into my eyes and just waits. For reassurance. To ask me if I'm sure. Because even without words, I know he wants to make sure I'm okay.
“I love you, Andy. I’ve never been more sure about anything.” I kiss him as he slowly enters me and then I feel it. The sharp pain is quickly followed by a dull ache. I wince and with ourforeheads together Andy whispers to me “I’m sorry, my sweet girl. I love you so much.”
He stills and I feel tears stream from my eyes to my temples. Andy kisses them away, whispering “I love you Lainey. I love you always.”
Soon the pain gives way to pleasure and I get lost in the feel of our bodies together.
Later, as I’m drifting off to sleep, all I can think of are his reverent words in my ear.
When I open my eyes, Andy’s perfect, peaceful profile greets me. He’s laying on his back and our legs are twisted together, my hand on his chest. He’s so peaceful, such a contrast to the turmoil I saw on his face just last night.
Was that just last night?
I feel the ache between my legs and am instantly reminded of all of the polarities in the past twelve hours. Andy’s panic and peace. His hard against my soft. My pain and his pleasure. Though it quickly turned into my pleasure too, and as soon as I don’t feel so raw, I really want to do it again.
He turns his head towards me. Slowly his eyes open and focus, a smile spreading across his whole face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andy this happy before. This beautiful. This at ease.
“Is it morning?” He says this as he turns, putting his arm around me and pulling me closer.
I nod, not wanting to break this spell, not wanting this look in his eyes to ever fade.
“How are you feeling?” His hands are in my hair, on my arm, down my hips. His soft touches are everywhere.
“Deliciously sore,” I answer with a sly smile. “I can’t wait until we can do that again.”
Andy lets out a chuckle and kisses my nose. “You got it, sweet girl.”
“Do you think Mel would mind if I have a shower?” I ask, not actually wanting to leave his bed, but knowing we need to go pack up my tent.
“No, of course not. Go on in and I’ll bring you a fresh towel.” He starts to move his arms, giving me space to get up, but I throw myself back on top of him.
“Just a few more minutes of this, first. Okay?” I nuzzle into him and he immediately curls himself back around me, holding on even tighter than before.
After minutes, or hours, or days, we pry ourselves off of one another and I shower. Andy must have come in while I was showering and left two folded towels sitting on the sink. When I come out of the bathroom and back into his room, he's changing the sheets. I feel my cheeks burn, and quietly ask, “Is everything alright?”
He angles his head towards me, but I can't see his eyes. “Oh. Yeah, it was just a little bit of blood.” I want to crawl into a cave and never come out. He finishes putting the fitted sheet on and turns towards me with a small smile on his face. He puts both hands on my shoulders and asks, “How was your shower? Feel better?” Then he places another kiss on my nose.
I'm unable to move at his casual attitude about the fact that I left blood on his bed. He doesn't seem grossed out or upset in any way. Meanwhile, I’m burning up with mortification at the thought of him having to clean up after me.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, focusing on my bare feet on his carpeted floors.
“Lainey,” he pulls my chin up, those amber eyes so soft and full of love. For me. “I don’t want either of us to feel sorry for a single thing about last night. Alright?” His eyes tell me everything I need to know. He doesn't just mean us having sex or the blood on the bed. He also means him panicking and us leaving. I don't want him to be sorry about that either.
