He lets out a long breath, the smallest hint of a smile in the corners of his lips. I take his other hand and settle it over my heart. “I love you, Andy.”
I bring our foreheads together and we just sit like that for a long time. We say nothing else, we just sit and breathe one another in. When the silence is finally broken, it’s by the velvety voice I’ve loved since I first heard it.
“I do. I do feel it.” He brings our lips together and whispers onto my mouth, “Thank you for loving me, Lainey.” Then he kisses me and I feel the devotion, the reverence and the honesty of the kiss. I feel it and I give it all right back to him.
eight
. . .
Weeks goby and Andy and I find every place possible to explore one another’s bodies. Usually it happens in his truck, but we’ve also been on his bed a few times. His aunt Mel works a lot and she doesn’t mind me coming over. She treats us both like we’re adults because, well, we are. My parents would never be this cool.
We’ve also progressed from over the clothes to under. Just thinking about him touching me sends shivers up my back. I had no idea that it could feel this good to be with someone. He’s incredibly gentle and always asking me if I’m okay with what we’re doing.
By the time July hits, though, I’m about ready to explode. I need more than just touching. I just don’t know how to tell him that yet. Sometimes he looks at me like I’m going to break. I get the feeling that he’s worried about what will happen when we both go to school. We haven’t talked about it.
I tried bringing it up once, but the look on his face, and the way his eyes welled with tears made my heart ache. He assured me we’d talk on the phone and that he wanted to be with me.Wanted to make it work. The thing is that I’m not the one who needs the reassurance. I’m sure of us. I’m certain about him in every way, but I know I don’t want to see him that sad again, so for now I’m letting it be.
This weekend we’ve taken off to camp with my friends. We're close to home, but it feels nice to get away from town for a couple of nights without the regular routine of work, parents and regular life.
Andy has been telling jokes and everyone loves him. He’s so easy to fall in love with, and I can see now that I’m not the only one who fell for his sweet disposition.
Something’s changed though. I watch as he walks away from the crowd and give him a few minutes before I go over to him. “Hey, what’s going on?” I ask.
He lets out a sigh. “Do you think we can leave soon? I’d really like to be with you. Only you.”
“Oh. We just got here and set up our tent for the weekend. You want to leave?” I'm a little annoyed and confused. We were supposed to be here until Sunday. Why would we leave?
I touch him gently on the arm and he takes another breath. It comes out choppy and sounds shallow. He closes his eyes and the next thing I know, I see Andy hunched over with his hands on his knees, chest heaving with heavy breaths.
“Oh my god. Andy?” He doesn’t answer but I can see sweat is now dripping from his temple. I think he’s having a panic attack. “I don’t know what to do. I…” He looks up at me and I’m met with red-rimmed eyes filled with tears, and in those tearsthere’s more than anguish, there’s fear. I grab his shoulders and straighten his body. I place his hand over my heart and stand close to him. I don't know what to do, so I just act on instinct.
“Look at me. Andy… look at my eyes.” He does as I ask. His eyes are pleading and desperate. I take a deep breath. “Feel my heart, Andy. Listen to my breathing. Breathe with me.”
He shakes his head, silently telling me he can’t do it. “Yes, you can. You can do this.” I hold his eyes and start breathing slowly, keeping his hand on my heart. We stay like that for several minutes that feel like hours. Eventually his breathing slows, little by little.
Once he’s no longer panting and panicking, I wrap my arms around his neck and bring him close to me, whispering, “You’re okay. Everything is okay. I’m right here with you and I’m not leaving.”
His grip on me is tight. So tight it almost hurts. He buries his head in my neck, in my hair and breathes me in. I’m thankful we don’t have much of a height difference at this moment.
I continue to whisper reassurances to him and his grip slowly loosens around my waist and back. Finally he says, “I love you so much, Lainey.” His voice sounding thick and tired.
I pull our bodies apart, cradling his face with my hands once again. The knot in my throat is so tight, and take a moment to just look at him, nodding. “I know. And I loveyou, Andy.”
Now that he seems to be breathing normally, I reach into his pocket for his car keys. “I’m driving us home,” I say flatly, knowing he's in no shape to drive.
“Wait, what about your tent? We were supposed to stay here the weekend.” He looks at me with an apologetic look in his eyes.
“Andy, let’s go to your aunt’s house. I don’t think you need to be around people right now.” I take out my phone and text Shannon quickly, letting her know I’m not feeling well and will stay at Andy’s. I’ll grab my tent tomorrow. “There. I just textedShannon.” And with that, I take his hand and start walking towards his truck. He follows closely and when I open the driver’s door to step in, he turns me around gently.
“Are you mad?” His eyes search my whole face in the dimly lit field we’re parked in. He looks so...lost. Fragile, almost.
Softly, I respond, “No. No, of course not. I’m just worried about you and I have a feeling that being around a bunch of rowdy teenagers and a big ass fire isn’t going to make you feel better. So I want to go to your room then I want to get into your bed and snuggle with you. Is that okay?”
He pulls me in and kisses my temple. His chest deflates as he lets out a long sigh. “Yes. That would be perfect. Thank you, Lainey.”
The drive is quiet, and Andy keeps his hand on my thigh the whole time. When we arrive, we head straight upstairs. Mel is working late and I know she won’t mind that I’m here. The moment I walk into his room I start to undo my jeans.
“What are you doing?” Andy walks over and grabs my hands as if to stop my movements.
