Stopping his pacing, Lord Finchley looked back at her. “I cannot tell you, Eleanor. Please, do not ask me.”
“Why can you not tell me?”
His eyes closed. “There is more to my situation than I expected, more than it first appeared. I dare not bring you into this. It is not your duty nor your responsibility, given that we are nothing more than acquaintances.”
Eleanor’s eyebrows lifted. “Is that how you see me?”
His hands spread out wide. “What else can there be, Eleanor?” he asked, his voice quiet indeed now. “I cannot be to you as I once was. I – ”
Coming to him, Eleanor put one hand on his chest, hearing his swift intake of breath as she did so. This bookshop floor was quiet, with no one else but her maid present, and Eleanor took the chance to speak – and to act – with boldness. “Why can you not be to me as you once were? I am sure that your heart still holds an affection for me, just as mine does for you. Why must you continue to push back from that?”
Lord Finchley’s face went pale, only for color to rise in his cheeks. He said nothing, holding her gaze for a long moment, seeming to battle within himself as the silence between them grew.
Then, as he closed his eyes, he began to speak again. “It is because I will be ruined, Eleanor,” he rasped, stepping back from her so there was distance between them again. “I cannot draw you near when you could easily be thrown into shame and disgrace, simply by being close to me. Your father would never permit it either, and though I do not like it, it is something I can well understand. So no,” he continued, opening his eyes and looking back at her again with a heaviness in his expression and a tightness in his jaw that had not been there before. “I cannot be to you as I once was, no matter just how much I might long for it.”
10
Speaking openly to the lady he still loved with all of his heart was torturous indeed. Rupert wanted to put his arms around her and pull her close, the touch of her hand to his chest burning through him with such a heat that it made him weak. She was holding his gaze steadily, unflinching as he did his best to explain without giving her all the details of his present difficulty.
“It is impossible,” he finished, as a glimmer of tears came into her eyes. “It is because I still care for you that I must push you away, Eleanor. You may not understand it entirely, but that is the truth of it.”
“But I couldhelp,” she said, taking a step closer to him, forcing him back again for fear that, if he let her draw near, he would not be able to resist. “Surely, if we both are eager for the same thing, then my help could bring that about.”
Rupert swallowed at the lump that came into his throat upon hearing those words. “How could you even think of me in such gentle terms?” he asked, shaking his head and looking away from her. “Eleanor, I have done you a great wrong and even now – ” Pausing, he took in a deep breath, trying to steady hisresolve. “Even now, even when I push you away from me again, you insist upon drawing close to me.”
“Because once my heart realized that you were not as I had thought you, it filled itself with affection all over again,” she said, as Rupert’s heart exploded with both joy and relief. “You did not simply have your fun with me and then step away, lying to me about our future so that you might find a way to escape. Instead, you had a genuine reason to separate us, fearful about not only what you would find upon going to your sister but also what it would mean for your future.”
“Which is precisely what I fear now,” he interrupted, seeing her eyes round. “It is the very same threat that lingers on me, Eleanor. I dare not have you near to it for I cannot tell what it will do to your reputation.”
She shrugged. “It may do nothing. Not if there is no real connection between us.”
Not understanding her, Rupert frowned.
“If we both want the very same thing, which I hope and pray that you do, then might we not move forward together with that in mind?” Taking another step closer to him, she clasped her hands together at her heart, her eyes beseeching him. “Tell me that you care for me still, Rupert. I must hear those words from your lips.”
Overcome with such a sense of love and desperation, Rupert dropped his head and groaned aloud. “Eleanor, do not beg me for such a thing. To say such words aloud will only bring us both pain, for if we can never be as we once were – ”
“But if there is a chance that we might still return to that happiness, then is it not worth saying?” Her hand touched his, and Rupert lifted his head sharply, looking into her blue eyes as he surrendered to her and all that he felt in his heart. He could not prevent the words from coming to his lips, could not stop his declaration to her.
“Then Eleanor,” he said, hoarsely, gripping her fingers tightly, “you must know that I have never forgotten you. My heart has refused to let you go, bereft of your company and your closeness. I was sure that there could be nothing more between us, quite certain that all had now come to an end, and yet, my heart held to you still.”
Her eyes glowed, a beautiful smile spreading across her face.
“Despite that, there may very well be no return for us,” he continued, trying to find a firmness of resolve within him that would push him back from her. “As I have said, I cannot have you near me, not when this… this threat is now upon me.”
With shock in her eyes, she clasped his other hand also. “What threat?”
“I cannot tell you.”
“You can.” With a press of his hands, Lady Eleanor smiled gently. “My dear Finchley, will you not accept my offer of help?”
Rupert swallowed thickly. “I do not know if there is anything you can do.”
“And yet, there is still the chance that I might be able to,” she said, clearly unwilling to accept his answer. “Do you not understand what I am suggesting, Finchley?”
When he shook his head, she moved nearer to him still so that there were only a few inches between them. It was daring and bold, especially given the fact that anyone might come upon them without warning, but Rupert could not find it in him to ask her to step back.
“My heart’s desire is for you and you alone,” she said, clearly. “You, as you have said, feel the very same, but this threat that you speak of means that you cannot or will not return to me. If, however, the issue can be resolved, then that leaves us free to return to one another’s arms, does it not?”
