That question haunted me the rest of the way home. Because I didn’t even have to think about it to know the answer.
46
I Know
Jessie
“You feeling okay?”
My mom’s voice snapped me out of my reverie.
“I’m sorry, what?” I blinked a few times. For a moment, I’d forgotten that the TV was on or even that I was curled up in my favorite blanket or that I’d been home from the hospital for three days.
She sat down beside me and sipped her tea. “You’ve been quiet since you’ve gotten home from the hospital.”
“I’m still pretty tired, I guess.”
“The doctor said it would be another day or so before that went away.” She studied me again, and when she spoke, her voice was lower. “Would it also have anything to do with a certain someone not coming to visit again?”
I tried to smile and shrug it off. “I don’t know about that. I guess my brain just isn’t up to stuff right now.”
“You know what Madison told me?” She continued as if I hadn’t spoken at all. “She said that Derrick was the one who made the tourniquet for your arm. And the doctor said if you hadn’t had that tourniquet, you probably would have died. The glass was too close to your artery to have survived without it.” Her voice dropped nearly to a whisper. “He saved your life, Jessie.”
My throat felt too thick and dry to answer. Everything from the tornado was hazy. I remembered grabbing Jade from my classroom and the window blowing out. There had been pain in my arm and blood on my hand. And the train. I would never forget the sound of the train, like it was chugging away over our heads. But sometime during those few minutes in the hall, the world began to tilt, and my vision began to spot. Familiar voices had drifted in and out, and I remember nearly waking when I realized one of the voices was his. And for just a moment, I’d been encompassed by the feeling of security and warmth, like someone was holding me close.
My mom swore he’d come to see me and had even waited with me while I slept. When I woke up and really came to for the first time, there were even pink roses in my room. But that had been the day after the tornado, when I was still sleeping most of the day away, and I hadn’t seen him in the week-and-a-half since. Not even a text.
And I think that hurt the worst, knowing he’d been so close, only to retreat again. He was just doing the honorable thing, I was sure. He’d run to the school to check on Jade, and I had just happened to be there. Derrick was the kind of guy who wouldn’t leave anyone in peril.
But there had been a kiss somewhere in there…I was sure of it. Then nothing.
“Is your soup all right?” My mom nodded at the bowl in my lap.
I looked down at it. “It’s fine.” Truth be told, the chicken chunks tasted a lot drier than I had hoped when my mom had ladled it out for me, but I got the feeling that the chicken itself was fine. It was me who had changed.
* * *
Two days later, I was cleared to drive. The area up north by the base and school was pretty torn up still, but I was desperate to go somewhere. Between all the visitors and calls to the house phone to ask how I was, I needed to hear myself think. I couldn’t bear to tell one more person that I was fine when I wasn’t. Because even though my body was mostly healed, my heart felt like it was slowly splitting in two.
Something had to give.
After driving what felt like random circles around town, I finally realized where my wandering had taken me. I parked the car and got out. After a moment of searching for the perfect spot, I lay down on the grassy slope, and I closed my eyes. It was peaceful here, like there had never been a tornado in all the world. The birds sang, and even with my eyes closed, the yellow-green of the afternoon sun-lit leaves filtered through my lids.
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stay, and I couldn’t go. I was stuck. And it already felt like my life had been that way forever.
The roar of an engine interrupted my reverie. I opened my eyes to see a big red truck parked beside my old beat-up car, which had miraculously somehow survived in the school parking lot.
“Your mom said you were gone, but I thought I might find you here.”
I sat up, afraid to believe my eyes. “You did?”
He came to sit beside me on the little grassy knoll. Then he looked up at the church. “I’m still amazed this place wasn’t even touched.”
I nodded, feeling a little dazed. “Yeah. Um, the weather guy said it bounced in a few places before settling in a steady path.” I looked up at the white steeple as well. “I guess this was one of them.”
We were silent for a few minutes. I couldn’t move, but my mind felt like a tornado had ripped around inside my head as well. Every hair on my body seemed to be standing on end, as though lightning was in the air. I felt like a magnetic force was compelling me to sit closer, to touch him to make sure he was real. But I kept my hands to myself.
“Sorry I took so long to stop by again,” he said eventually. “They had us working from sunup to sundown cleaning the damage on the base and doing rescues on and off. A bunch of us volunteered to do more, too.”
