Derrick,
I’m not going to say dear because I’m angry with you. So angry I can’t even think straight.
I knew this was going to happen. The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were trouble. Probably the kind of guy to go around making women fall in love with him just for the sport, I told myself. And every time you had her, you would move on to the next challenge. You were hot, and you knew it, and you exploited that fact. Men like you were the exact reason I don’t date airmen.
Until I got to know you and realized that’s not you at all. You don’t swing wildly from woman to woman. You’re worse.
You lower defenses and take out the artillery. Then, when it’s all clear, you attack. You go for the throat, and you don’t take no for an answer. I tried to say no to you. I really did. But you were hopeful in a way no man has ever been about me. And you somehow knew exactly what would unlock my defenses. And I loved and hated you for it. Why did you want me? Why did you need to unlock the sacred places of my heart? It was like walking toward a cliff. I knew better. And I kept trying to change paths. But for every step I took in another direction, you lured me two steps closer.
And you know what’s sickening? I let you. Because that stupid voice of hope in my heart said maybe this one would be different. Maybe there would be a way to make this work. I wanted it to work. I had no idea how it would happen, but there was something in your smile and promises and words that made me see that maybe we could have something different from what I’d had planned.
Then you raised me up and dashed me against the rocks because you couldn’t have your own way. At least I found out before it was too late.
Ouch. I put the letter down and looked at Jessie again, guilt washing over me like it hadn’t in weeks, or maybe even months. Did I even want to finish these letters? I sighed and held up the next one. It was dated for the next day.
You’re leaving today. That’s what your mom says. Well, I hope you find everything you were looking for in this blasted career.
I want to be angry with you. And I am. But I also can’t help feeling like a huge chunk of my heart is gone, and I’ve lost a piece of me that I’m not sure will heal. How did you do that, sliding your way inside and taking part of my me with you? I want you so much it hurts. It’s weird going places in my car instead of your infernal truck, and Jade asks for you constantly.
I’m still angry with you, but I’ll pray for you nonetheless. Jade needs you, no matter what kind of jerk you are to people your age. Stay safe, and don’t do anything stupid.
I moved to the next letter, afraid to see where the spark of hope in my chest was leading me but unable to stop.
So today was Jade’s first day back to school. You would have been so proud of her. I know we’re not speaking, and I’m still not speaking to you, but I wanted to tell you this anyway. One of the new boys decided to pick on her by tossing crayons at her. I was impressed first, by her ability to ignore him. I was across the room dealing with another behavior issue, so my response time was slower than I would have liked. But he got his just desserts.
They were playing ball at recess, and to my surprise, Jade wanted to play. Now, the game was soccer, but Jade didn’t hesitate. She picked the ball up in her hands, and from three feet away, nailed the kid, point-blank in the face.
“Jade!” I called as I ran over to check the boy’s nose. “This is soccer! You have to use your feet!”
Jade looked at me for a moment before getting that smug little smile she has and said, “Oops.” Then she shrugged and turned away.
The teacher side of me had to make her apologize. I’m required to for my job. But inside, Iwas cheering her on.That girl isn’t going to lie down and take crap from anyone.
Anyhow, I’m still not talking to you. But I thought you should know. I was proud of her. And I knew you would be, too.
As the dates changed, the anger began to dissipate, and I found myself filled with more than a little awe. She’d written to me, and nearly every day at that. Gone were the threats and rants, and instead, they were filled with all the little random things we used to talk about. She told me all about her class and how Jade was progressing, and eventually more about herself.
Okay, if I’m being honest, I’ve tried for the life of me to picture what our kids would have looked like. I keep trying to see them with green eyes, but all three have blue. I think the girl would have hair like mine, and one of the boys would have your color. Maybe we’d get a ginger in the mix. That would be fun. I’ve always wanted a red-haired kid.
If I’m still being honest, I have to tell you, this school year is dragging on. That’s not supposed to happen, as this is only my second year. I can’t be getting tired of it already.
Maybe, though, it has more to do with the fact that you’re not here. I didn’t realize how much I’ve isolated myself until you were gone. And now that you’re not here, I’m missing it. I miss laughing with you. Arguing with you, if you can believe that.
Final confession, it’s like you opened up my heart and plucked out every romantic movie I’ve ever watched and cried through. And as much as it pains me to say it, I’m beginning to see that you were right. I want a lot of things in life, and as of now, I’m the reason they’re not here. I’m the one who wrote the list of rules, and it was my decision to work myself to death through high school and college. And now that I’m here in adulthood where I always wanted to be, it’s not enough. Not that God hasn’t given me enough. More that…I’ve been keeping it out. Because I’m terrified to let anything new in. It’s so easy to feel like if I can just keep everything planned and plotted, everything will turn out fine.
What do I really want? If I’m being unrealistic here, and completely impractical…I want to marry you. I want you to carry me over the threshold all old fashioned-like. You could tuck me into bed beside you every night. We could squabble to our heart’s content until we’re old and gray and arguing over which kind of bran cereal is best. I want to stay in Jade’s life and watch her grow and mature and discover where she’s meant to be in this crazy world. I want to have your babies and raise them beside you. I want to follow you around and have my adventure. And if God decides to cut it short and leave me alone…
Well, you’ll have been worth it. I’d rather live a little of my life with you than none of it at all.
I want you, Derrick. Every inch of the godly, infuriating, dutiful man you are.
But my mom’s still sick. And there’s nothing I can do about that. I used to know where I was in this world and exactly what purpose I served. I was a daughter and a teacher. I sang in the choir, and everything was right. But you’ve fractured my worldview, and I can’t see straight anymore. And as much as I want all this, none of it changes the vast number of variables in military life. That’s a risk I just don’t think I can take.
Not that it matters. You’re fun and adventurous, and I’m a frightened coward. You probably won’t want me anymore when you see just how much of the world there is to offer outside Little Rock. And that breaks my heart more than anything else.
I wiped my tears on my sleeve and for a long time, just watched her. She moaned a little sometimes and turned over in the hospital bed several times. After an hour and a half, visiting hours were up, and I made my way back out to the waiting room. Her mother went up to me and pulled me into a hug. I hadn’t known I needed one until she did, but as soon as I was in her arms, I cried like a little boy. Finally, she pulled back.
“I know it’s hard to understand,” she said, sniffling along with me. “Think, though, about your devotion to Jade, and you’ll get a glimpse at the way Jessie is determined to take care of me.” She laughed, more a sob than a chuckle. “The only difference is that I’m a fully-capable adult with a fully-capable husband, and Jade is not. But even if you could leave her with someone else who you knew was fully capable…would you?”
