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Chapter 1- Blair
Middle of September
Turning the key in the lock, the creaking door opens into the dark apartment. My feet shuffle along the soft carpet as I walk through the front door, my body tired after having a long day at work. After I lock the door, I throw my bag down on the entry table and slide my shoes off my feet. Turning around, I am struck speechless by the sight in front of me. The living room light is off, but there is a flicker from 100 candles lighting the room, giving a soft, intimate, warm glow around the small living room. I’m surprised to see Heath is home early, standing in the middle of the room, looking very handsome and put together.
I cock my head to the side, confused by the theatrics. Heath goes down on one knee next to the grey sofa, opening a small box in his hand that I didn’t previously see. “Will you marry me?” my boyfriend of three years asks me as he is surrounded by the candles, his hair looking like a flame to match thecandles. At first I am stunned, complete shock hits me. I was not expecting this at all. I just wanted to come home and relax. As my brain catches up to the moment, I finally realize what he asked me.
Heath was a great guy; sweet, understanding, and intelligent. I had strong feelings for him. He practically saved me after my parents died, but I never felt that all-consuming connection that all the romance books talked about. The type of love that my parents had, the type of love that would have you burn down the world for them.
Was I ready to tie myself to someone for the rest of my life without feeling that electrifying connection, the kind that took your breath away? The answer was no. I had nothing against him obviously, since I had been dating the man for three years. Shouldn’t I have already felt it by now? I wanted that kind of love they wrote sonnets and novels about. The type of love I grew up experiencing in my own family home with my parents. I really did not want to break his heart, but he deserved that kind of love as well.
I get lost in thought, frozen in place from the overwhelming situation. I’m sweaty, tired, smell like food, my feet hurt, and I’m hungry. Suddenly I feel a hand on my arm, pulling me back to reality.
“Are you okay?” Heath whispers, concern etched all over his face.
I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, shaking my head. “N-noo,” I croak. Having a hard time finding my words and voice.
“God–” I start pacing back and forth, the unease thrumming through my body. I start running my fingers through my hair, trying to ground myself and not have a breakdown right now.It was NOT the time. It would only make the situation worse.
“I’m sorry, Heath–” continuing my pacing, the candlelight creating moving shadows against the walls. I was trying to piece together my racing thoughts and pick out the most important ones through all the static and noise.
“Ugh, why is this hard? I swear I’m trying to give you a response–” I was starting to get frustrated with myself now, holding myself back from wanting to scream and thrash about. Holding in the sob that was trying to break free, the pressure in my chest was building.
“I-I c-c-can’t,” I sob. “I’m sorry. I don’t think we should,” my words whispered and broken as tears start their slow descent, tracking down my cheeks.
It takes him a while to process my response. His face falls at the realization that I turned him down, my words sinking in. “Can I ask you for a reason as to why not? I honestly thought we worked well together,” he whispers, hurt coating his tone, his words cracking as he tries to speak without crying.
I sigh, rubbing my sternum subconsciously with my fingers. “We do work well together, and you are a great guy and an amazing partner. Please do not think for one moment that this is because of you and that you are not adequate, because that is the farthest thing from the truth. But I realized that I love you, but I am not in love with you, and we both deserve a love that is out of this world Heath.” My words start to ramble out of me, unable to stop. I was going full speed with no brakes, heading for destruction. I hope he understood my reasoning here. I didn’t want him to feel stuck five years down the road, maybe even regret or resent us, me.
“You’re not in love with me?” his words were broken and distraught, his voice quivering from the rush of emotionsbetween us. His words were quiet, almost like he was talking more to himself than speaking to me. He slowly nods his head, clearing his throat. “I am assuming this means we are breaking up?” tears now streaming down his cheeks.
I nod my head. “P-please don’t make me say more,” my voice quivered as I tried to keep it together. This conversation was too important. The sudden realization of what this all meant slams into me. We live together, and I have nowhere to go since my parents are dead; I am now homeless.
“Is there something I can do to change this? To change your answer? I don’t want to throw the past three years away, Blair. I love you. You mean so much to me. Why all of a sudden? I don’t get it. This isn’t something we can work out? ” his words were broken between sobs.
God, I couldn’t do this right now. I felt like I was about to crawl out of my skin from how overwhelmed I felt. I wanted to scream. But he didn’t deserve that. I tried to take a few deep breaths to help calm my nerves.
“No, you can’t change my answer, I’m so sorry.” I look away from him, having a hard time seeing how destroyed he was from this. My own guilt and shame gnaw at me as I blink back tears. “My parents’ anniversary made me think about this honestly. The way they were madly in love with each other, how affectionate they were. I want that. And it doesn’t feel that way with you.” My voice broke off, my own words grating on me.
“I see. I’m very sorry for putting you in this predicament. I thought this would go a lot differently.”
“Please don’t put the blame on yourself. I should have communicated how I was feeling more. I had gotten comfortable with how things were, my brain and heart not on the samewavelength.” The frustration overflowed inside me. I hurt this amazing man all because of my stupid brain not wanting to work. “Can you give me a couple of weeks to figure out where I will go? I don’t think I can live in Cleveland anymore. I just need some time to get my bearings and pack my stuff up.” Exhaustion seeps through my entire body.
“Of course, I wouldn’t kick you out like that after breaking up.” I could tell he was taken aback by my question. “I care about you and don’t want you to be in a bad predicament. I would never force you out and become homeless,” he gently states, pain and hurt in his tone, bleeding across his beautiful features. I nod my head in acceptance, my thoughts too jumbled right now to think.
* * *
Heath had left the house right after I stomped all over him and broke his heart, leaving me alone in the space we had shared for two years. The space was quieter than normal, the buzz from the refrigerator filling the silence. The two questions that kept repeating over and over again in my head were: where was I going to go now, and did I do the right thing? Staying here in Cleveland didn’t feel right, and I had no living relatives to depend on or visit. Where was I going to go?
I rubbed between my eyebrows, pain starting to radiate from the stress of today. I sighed when I could feel a debilitating migraine was about to occur in my near future. The flames were still flickering with life, illuminating our place in a gentle light. I started going around blowing out the candles one by one, the task taking a few minutes to complete.
I sat down on the couch, staring blankly in front of me. As soon as I let everything catch up to me, I started bawling my eyes out. Gut-wrenching sobs left me, my body shivering from the emotional toll of today. I couldn’t imagine how Heath felt, but the hardest part of all of this was that I had no one to talk to. I would give anything to be able to confide in my mom right now. I bet she would give me some sappy advice and smother me in her warm hugs that always made me feel better.
I know how this conversation would go if she were here:
“Sweetie, what is in your heart? Are you in love with him?”
