Maddy leans against his bed and pats the mattress. “Come here, East. I can tell your mind is spinning with a million questions. Let’s talk.”
I nod and walk over, questions overloading my brain, but I pause before his bed and frown down at the spot next to him. Hmm… “So…do I want to sit there?” I ask. “Or do I risk sitting in jizz?”
Maddy chokes on a laugh. “Touché. We can sit on the floor.” He slides down and rests his back against the bed.
My insides knot, sharp and sudden. So, there is a risk, then. Obviously. Why else would that stupidTylerguy have left here all rumpled and smug? I let out a slow breath and will my stomach to settle, then park my ass on the floor next to Maddy. We sit there in silence for a few beats. I can’t get over the fact that I didn’t know. There’s never been anything we didn’t know about each other.
“I know you said it’s not a big deal,” I start. “But it still feels like it’s an important part of who you are. Right?” I glance at him, my fingers tapping at a dangerous speed on my thigh. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. His head is tilted back, resting against the mattress while he stares at the ceiling. “I don’t know why it hurts that you didn’t tell me,” I finally whisper. “I don’t think I have the right to be hurt. I'm sorry.”
He turns toward me, and his lips almost look like they’re tilting up. The weight in my chest lightens. I hope that means he’s not mad at me anymore.
“I didn’t keep it from you, East. I mean, maybe when I was first figuring it out, I did? Not intentionally, but it was a confusing time for me.”
My stomach hollows, and I reach for his hand. I lace our fingers and bring our joined hands to my heart. To think he was struggling with this all on his own, it eats at me. “You can always talk to me, Maddy. About anything.”
He bumps his forehead against my shoulder in silent thanks.
“I honestly thought you knew at this point. What did you think I was doing with all those guys I brought home?”
“I thought they were vying for best-friend position,” I grumble. I think maybe I’m an idiot. Or at least oblivious.
He presses his face into my shoulder, and his body shakes. “Oh, East. Don’t ever change.”
For the first time tonight, lightness fills my chest. “So, do your folks know?”
The breath that leaves him is part exasperation, part laugh. “No. I don’t really plan on it either. Mom and Dad won’t care either way.”
He’s right. Both Maddy and I have tight-knit families. We attend Pride events and support our local LGBTQ+ community. Maddy’s always doing things with the LGBTQIA group on campus. I pause. Huh.
We’re quiet for a while and then he whispers, “I…think I have a lot of anger at the world. I just want to live my life like anyone else. Why do I have to do this dog and pony show because I like dudes? Why should my sexuality be a spectacle? It feels like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. It’s expected that you’ll come out if you’re queer. But then you come out and it’s likestop throwing your gay in my face.” He tugs his hand from mine and drops his face into his hands as he lets out a muffled groan.
“I’m sorry, Madz. I’m sorry I played into that way of thinking. I really handled this like a shit friend. I don’t know why it hit me so hard. I think it’s just…I guess it felt weird to learn something new about you because I thought we knew everything about each other. Like, I’d have reacted the same way if I found out you were like a serial killer or something.”
“Did you just… Did you just compare my being gay to being a murderer?”
My eyes shoot wide. “Oh my God. No.Noooo.Shit, Maddy. No. Like I love that you’re gay. It’s not like being a murderer at all. Murder bad. Gay good.”
His green eyes dance as he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and grins at me. He’s teasing me. Oh.
I duck my chin. “Well, anyway. I’m sorry, Maddy. I definitely overreacted to finding out there was something I didn’t know about you. I think sometimes I forget we’re two different people.”
“Measssst,” he chants in a low tone, and we both snicker.
“I don’t know if it worried you at all, but even if it didn’t, I just want you to know it changes nothing between us. Like, I’m totally cool with you sleeping with whoever you want, and I’m here if you want to share. Or if that’s weird, you don’t have to. It’s not like sex is even that great—”
He stiffens. I realize how that came out, and now I’m nervous I just hit a nerve. Gahhhh. Reverse,reverse.
“Not that you need my permission,” I hurry to add. “No permission needed except your own. And your partners. Consent is King.” I laugh, but it comes out all squeaky. “I’m just, like, cheering you on.” I lift my hands and wave them around like I’m holding pom-poms. “Get that ass, whichever gender it belongs to. Fully supportive of you getting laid.”
He cocks his head. “Sex isn’t even that great?”
I blink at him. “That’s what you got out of all my word vomit?”
His grin flashes. “I’m used to sorting through your vomit, East.”
I smile, but then it freezes on my face. We cock our heads in unison—and then we burst out laughing.
“Oh God,” he gasps between laughs. “That came outsooowrong.”
