“I have so many disturbing images running through my mind right now,” I say, a chuckle vibrating through my words.
He shakes his head. “I meant yourwordvomit. Words are kind of important for, like, meaning and stuff, huh?” We share a smile, but then his grin disappears and his brow pinches. “But what do you meanit’s not like sex is even that great?”
My stomach flips over, and I try to shrug it off. Guess we’re not passing over that. “It’s really not a big deal. I’ve just never understood the hype, I guess. All the guys seem to be able to think about is getting laid. Sex is fine, but I don’t, uh, need it the way everyone else does, I guess.”
He rolls his bottom lip in and worries it as he studies me. Like I’m an oddity. Ugh. This is why I didn’t want to say anything.
“Something I learned recently—when I started going to some of the LBGTQIA events on campus—is that sexuality is kind of…really fucking complicated.”
My eyebrows lift. “Oh?” I have no idea where this is going.
“Not everyone experiences physical attraction. Hell, not everyone experiences romantic attraction. And there are a million shades in between.”
“So…you’re saying I’m not broken?”
Maddy shakes his head adamantly, eyes wide. “God, no. Of course you’re not broken. You’re nineteen, East. You’re still figuring yourself out. Give yourself grace.”
“It’s confusing,” I whisper. “It’s not like I don’t enjoy it when it happens. It’s not like I’m forcing myself to do it just because everyone else is doing it. I just…don’t understand the hype. I wouldn’t miss it if I never did it again.”
“Maybe you’re demi. Maybe you need to develop a connection with someone first. You’ve never had a girlfriend. Have you ever even hooked up with a girl more than once?”
I shake my head. “No. I haven’t ever wanted to see them again. Then I’d have to talk to them.” And baseball only gets you so far with girls. I’d run out of things to say. I wipe my palms on my shorts. Just the thought has me sweating. I’d make a fool of myself. No, thank you. I like where I’m at right now. Everyone thinks I’mcool. Mr. Charisma. That’s me. A laugh bubbles up in my chest.
I glance Maddy’s way, and he’s smiling fondly at me. Something dances in my stomach. “Your mind is your own worst enemy. When it comes to social interactions and when it comes to batting.”
I roll my eyes. “Obviously. Everyone knows baseball is 90% mental—”
“The other half is physical,” he finishes the Yogi-ism.
We crack up. And whatever uncomfortable distance had been between us before dissolves, and everything just…settles. Settles in the gentle laughter shaking our shoulders, in the smile we share that saysyou’re a corny idiotbut at the same time saysbut you’re my idiot.Best friends for life.
He pats my leg and then pops up to his feet. “Maybe Google the ace spectrum and demisexuality. It might help you feel like you’re not alone. Maybe it’ll help you understand yourself better too. There’s a lot more to the LGBTQIA rainbow than just gay, bisexual, lesbian, and trans. I’m going to take a quick shower.”
I pull out my phone and nod absently. I typeasexualityinto the search bar and start reading through various websites. My chin juts in. Wow, this is…involved. Maybe I’m aceflux. Oh, wait. There’s graysexual. My brows scrunch, and I keep scrolling. That could maybe fit, but then here’s the demisexuality Maddy was talking about. Hmm. Maybe? Like Maddy said, I’ve never had a girlfriend. Urgh. What evenissexual attraction? Like, I find people pleasing to look at, but they don’t make my dick hard.
It's confusing. My gut squirms. It’s not something I’ve thought about much before, but the fear is there, growing larger now that we’re in college—what if, when I find my person…this is a deal-breaker? Sex is in your face all the time, tonight being proof of that. It’s in movies, the media, books, even casual conversation. I just smile and nod like I get it, but I don’t. What if that makes me…not enough? What if the person I end up with can’t feel how much I love them without the physical part? I’m already awkward as hell. Add this on top, and it feels like I’m destined to be alone. My throat tightens, and something uncomfortable wells in my chest. Ah, fuck. I let out a shaky breath.
My gaze catches on the frame on Maddy’s nightstand. It’s a picture of us in Junior League right after we won the District Championship. Just like that, my stomach calms, and the fear fades away. I’ll always have Maddy. And baseball. I let my head fall back and stare blankly at the ceiling. I get lost there, trying to figure out who the heck I am.
Something hard jostles my shoulder, and I blink groggily.
“East. Wake up, man.”
I force my eyes open, my lids heavy. I must have fallen asleep while deep in my asexual research. I mumble something, but I don’t even know what it was supposed to be.
“Let’s get you to your room.”
I stand and immediately collapse facedown on Maddy’s bed. “Can I just crash here?” I slur. “Bassitt picked my bed tonight.” I distantly remember Maddy hadcompanyearlier. “Shit. Did I just fall face-first into jizz?” Is no bed safe from someone else’s cum?
A chuckle sounds behind me. “I changed the sheets. And, yes, you can crash here.”
I crawl onto the bed and collapse with my head on one of his pillows. I toe off my shoes, and they land on the floor in two quickthumps.The bed remains still, though. I turn and stare blearily at Maddy. He looks…uncertain.
“Want me to sleep on the floor?”
My face screws up in a frown. “Why the fuck would I want that? It’s not as though we haven’t shared a bed before. We’ve known each other since we weresix.”
“You didn’t know I was gay before.”
