“Donovan…”
Anguish crosses his face, we both know what’s about to happen, I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but I need to.
“I can’t be your secret anymore. I’ve spent my entire life hiding who I am, and now I’m out, but I can’t truly be myself as long as we have to remain a secret.” He goes to interrupt, but I stop him, knowing that if I don’t say this now I’ll back out. “I know you’re not in a position to be out yet, and I understand how important your career is to you. But I’m ready, I need this. Shit, I just lost my brother as a result of coming out, my best friend lost her relationship because of it. I’m out, and I can’t hide or keep secrets anymore. I don’t think I can wait however many years it will be until you retire, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”
“Baby, please don’t do this. I don’t want to lose you, we’re so great together.” Tears well in his eyes, close to escaping.
“I know we are; I’m not doing this because I want to. Fuck, I’m so close to falling in love with you, but now you’re telling me we need to be even more secretive. Stephen, I’m going to get my heart broken.”
“You know I would never want to hurt you.” He stands and cups my face with his hands, his eyes pleading with me through tears.
“Of course I know that; this isn’t about either of us wanting to hurt each other. This is about you needing to do what’s right for your career, the thing you’re passionate about, the thing you love. And me, choosing to love myself for once.”
“I can’t…” he chokes on the words. “I don’t want to do this without you.”
“You can, and you will. You’re going to play in the NFL; this is everything you’ve worked for, everything you’ve ever wanted.”
“But I want you too,” he whispers.
“And I want you. But…” I sigh, “maybe this isn’t the right time for us. Or maybe this was always meant to be temporary.”
“No,” he shakes his head, “you don’t mean that, you just said you’re close to falling in love with me. This isn’t temporary, what we have, it doesn’t feel temporary.”
“I know it doesn’t… but can you honestly tell me that this will work if I don’t want to be in a secret relationship?”
Stephen
“I know it doesn’t,” he says, “but can you honestly tell me that this will work if I don’t want to be in a secret relationship?”
“I don’t want this to end, Donovan. I… we…” I flounder, searching for words, anything I can say to make him rethink this.
Tears pour down our faces, all I want to do is pull him into me, kiss him, make him forget all of this. But there’s that small voice in the back of my head telling me he’s right. He does deserve more than being my secret, he deserves everything good, and I can’t give him that. There isn’t a way that we can be together in the open, I’ve been warned about causing a scandal, literally given a manual about how my actions represent the Warriors.
“You know I’m right,” he sobs, looking up at me through wet lashes.
“I don’t want you to be right.”
“I know,” he lets out a sad laugh, “neither do I.”
“Can we have this week at least?” I ask, desperately hoping we can have this time together.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says, “it will only be harder in a weeks’ time.”
“But how am I supposed to see you and not kiss you? I can’t stay away from you.”
“I’ll see if I can stay with Jamie and Max for the week, until you leave for Tynerston.”
“What? No!” I pull him to me, wrapping him in my arms, burying my face in his neck. “Don’t leave, please stay with me.”
He lets me hold him as I cry onto his shoulder. Fuck, it feels like someone is reaching into my chest and they’re gripping my heart, trying to yank it from my body. Is this what heartbreak feels like?
Leaning back, I cup his face with my hands again and look into his eyes. “It hurts here,” I gesture to my chest. “My heart… Donovan, I lo—”
“Don’t say it,” he interrupts.
“But—”
“No, please don’t say that to me.” He shakes his head as much as he can, but I’m gripping his face. “Don’t say that unless you’re telling me we can be together, in the open.”
