“So listen to us, we’re clearly very wise.”
His words make me laugh and it feels nice, like a weight has been lifted. “I can’t wait for you to meet her one day, you’ll get on so well.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” he says. “Now can we please focus on the positives here, you’re out! You’re free! You don’t need to hide anymore. You can meet men, date, be open to falling in love, all the things you’ve wanted.”
I plaster a smile on my face and nod, trying to match his enthusiasm. But I can’t tell him that I’ve already met someone, that I have feelings for them, and I’m experiencing everything I ever wanted. The truth is that I’m not free, I still have to hide, I still have to keep a secret.
Stephen arrives back to the room not long after me, freshly showered after practice and looking delicious.
“Hey you,” I say, stepping into his arms and inhaling his scent.
“Hey, good day?”
“Mm-hmm.” I nod into his chest. “How was yours?”
“Good, intense. I had to tell Coach Jenkins about the Warriors, and that I’m moving there this weekend.”
“He’s got to be excited though, right?” I ask.
“Oh, he’s thrilled, I’ve never seen him happier. Anyone would think he’d been the one drafted to play for them.”
“So you’re feeling good about it all, better than last night? You seemed down, I was worried,” I say, playing with the trim on his varsity jacket.
“It’s not that I’m feeling down, of course I’m excited. I’m just worried about how it will affect us.” He takes my hand from his jacket and kisses it.
“I mean, it won’t be much different than it is now, will it?” I ask.
He leads me to his bed and sits down, pulling me to stand between his legs while he looks up at me.
“I don’t want it to be,” he says, “but I think we’re going to need to dial this back a bit.”
“Dial this back? We barely have a relationship as it is, how are we supposed to dial it back?”
I’m not sure what he’s asking, we’ve literally been on one date outside this room, and that was to another town.
“I just need to be more careful. The coaches, the media team, reporters… all eyes are going to be on me, I can’t afford to make any mistakes.”
“Mistakes? Are you saying that that’s what this is between us, a mistake?”
“No, baby, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I don’t think that.” He nuzzles into my chest, but it doesn’t feel as comforting as it usually does.
“But other people will,” I say, “they’ll think this is a mistake… like your media person.”
He doesn’t respond, he doesn’t have to, I already know the answer. He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me and I let my fingers run through his hair. Jamie’s words about being free echo in my head, but I’ve never felt less free. I’ve had a taste of what it will be like to be out, and now my brother knows, I’ve got no one to hide from anymore. But I’m carrying an even bigger secret, one that’s external to me, and so much harder to hide. Tears form and I let them roll down my face, my heart hurting in a way I’ve never felt before.
“Stephen…” I whisper.
He looks up at me, probably hearing the tremble in my voice.
“Baby, please don’t cry. We’re going to be okay, we can make this work, please don’t be upset.”
He gently catches my tears and wipes them away. He’s so wonderful, and perfect, but I know now that he can never truly be mine, and I can never truly be his. I’ll always have to remain his secret.
“Stephen… I think maybe you were right.”
“About what?” he asks.
“At the very start, you told me I deserved more than being someone’s secret. And now I think that maybe you were right… I do deserve more.”
