“You’d be surprised,” I chuckle. “Some people think it’s hot to help others… you know, discover their bodies, own their pleasure.” I don’t tell him that I’m talking about me, I’m one of those people. “Look, regardless of your experience, the right person won’t care. They’ll talk to you about it, guide you through it, answer questions and check in with you.”
“That sounds more terrifying than actually having sex,” he says.
“Yeah, that may be so, but if you can’t talk about it openly with someone, should you really be having sex with them? Being comfortable enough to be intimate with someone means being able to talk about it.”
“I never thought about it like that,” he says. “Fuck, I wish they taught this stuff in Sex Ed. I know all about straight sex, but the only stuff I’ve learned about being with guys comes from porn, and that doesn’t go into all the… well… other stuff…”
A blush crosses his cheeks, and he fumbles to take a drink of his water.
“Porn isn’t always real either,” I say, “it isn’t necessarily two people having real sex, it’s two people being directed and given angles and instructions. You know, like those Martin Freeman scenes in Love Actually!”
Donovan
“Love Actually is one of my favorite films,” I chuckle, “I love those scenes.”
We sit quietly as I process our conversation and the evening’s events. He’s right, it wasn’t fair of Kyle to make me feel that way, so I haven’t been with a guy before, the right person won’t care. Besides, I don’t want my first time to be a hook-up at a party, I want to date, I want to know them. I just have no idea how to go about doing this.
“I thought it would be so easy out here,” I say, “that once I was away from my family and friends I could finally be myself. But now I’m here, I have no idea how to… well… be gay.”
Stephen chuckles, “Well that’s your first mistake right there. I mean, there isn’t a ‘way to be gay’, you’re you. And yeah, you’re gay, you’re attracted to men or whatever, but it doesn’t mean you have to act a certain way, it doesn’t mean you’re not a multi-faceted human being. Just be yourself and you’ll meet people.”
“Hmm, is it weird that sometimes I wish people would know I’m gay just by looking at me. So many people assume I’m straight, it makes me worry I’ll meet people, but they won’t know, and I’ll miss out on relationships. Does that even make sense?”
“Kind of,” Stephen says, “the thing you have to remember is that the world is hetero-coded, people will always assume the majority of people they meet are straight, that’s seen as the ‘norm’, it’s bullshit, but that’s the way it is. Look at me for instance, people see me as a jock and most people assume I’m straight, because apparently, someone, somewhere, said that gay people aren’t good at sports!”
People assume he’s straight… “Wait,” I ask, “you’re not straight?”
“No, I’m pansexual,” he says. “I’m not out. My parents and my best friends know, but other than that, I keep it private, so please don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t, I promise. Uh… this is probably a bad question, but which one is pansexual again?”
He chuckles, “For me, it means that someone’s gender identity or sex doesn’t matter when it comes to whether or not I’m attracted to them. I’m attracted to the person.”
“So you have sex with both guys and girls?”
“I guess, although I’d rather say I have relationships that can include sex, with guys, girls, and anyone who identifies on that spectrum. It’s not linked to being pan, but I don’t docasual sex; I like to build a relationship and a connection with someone.”
“Wow,” I say, in complete and utter shock. “Why didn’t you tell me when I came out to you?”
“Like I said, I’m not out, it’s tricky with football.”
“Tricky how?” I ask, genuinely curious about him.
He takes a deep breath, as though he’s preparing himself to tell me a lot of stuff. “When it comes to pro-football, everything is against me making it, and I mean everything.”
“Haven’t you already been drafted?”
“Yeah,” he says, “but getting drafted in itself was a miracle. Did you know that less than two percent of college players get drafted?”
“No,” I say, “that’s not a lot at all.”
“No,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “On top of that, less than one percent of players who get drafted are Asian.”
“Wow, you know all the stats. Those numbers though, that’s not many players.”
“Yeah, these stats live rent free in my mind. I’ve been hearing them ever since I started playing, and now they repeat in my head during every practice and every training session, as a reminder for how hard I need to work to get this.”
“So you being pansexual, how does that fit in?” I ask.
