“I know, I get that now. And knowing that you’ve lived for so long feeling terrified of me, scared of me knowing who you really are. Shit, Donovan, I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.” I sigh. “I know it’s all on me, I let Frank get into my head about the club years ago—the rules he made, his priorities, his views of the world and how other people should live their lives. No matter how much I hated him, I let myself becomejust like him. All this time I thought I was protecting you, but you were just as scared of me as you were of him.”
“I mean, you’re not completely like him,” he says, “in a lot of ways you’re better than him.”
“Am I?” I ask, feeling very strongly that the answer is no.
“Yeah, granted, you’ve been a piece of shit about this, but otherwise, you’ve always looked out for me. Protected Mom and I from him countless times… you are better than him, Diablo.”
“Hmm, there is some more that I’ve got to tell you, and that might change your opinion of me.”
“Go on,” he says, trying to keep his voice neutral but I can tell he’s nervous.
I tell him about Diablos Rojos reaching out, about Frank manipulating everyone to get us back into illegal shit again, about the deal I made with him when he got sent inside and how it makes this shit with Diablos Rojos really fucking complicated…
“Fuck.” He lets his head fall into his hands.
I nod. “Yeah.”
“I can’t believe you’re just telling me this now.”
“I wasn’t gonna tell you at all, but Mom found out and told me that if I didn’t, she’d make sure I regretted it.”
He laughs. “Wow, all the shit you took from Frank, but Mom just threatens you and you’ll do anything for her.”
“I’d do anything for both of you, threat or no threat. You’re my family, and I lost sight of that. Fuck Frank, and honestly, fuck the club if they have a problem with you being gay. You and Mom are the most important people in my life.”
“You really mean that?” he asks, tears fill his eyes, as he looks at me with so much hope.
“Of course I do.” I stand and pull him up into a hug, like I should have done the night he came out. “I’m so sorry, Donovan.”
As I say it, I feel my own eyes well up, and for the first time since I was a child, I let the tears fall.
After we’ve hugged and cried, we sit back down, laughing at how unusual this is for us.
“Shit,” I say, wiping my face, “fuck you for making me cry.”
But that just makes him laugh even harder.
“So, am I forgiven?” I ask.
“Yeah, well, ninety percent,” he says, “I’m still pissed off about something.”
“Okay, tell me.”
“Look, I take full responsibility for getting Beth involved in this; I shouldn’t have asked her to tell you. I guess I just hoped you’d react better hearing it from her, seeing as though you two were… well, whatever the fuck you were—”
“Are you mad because we were together? She told me you knew, and the guys knew. But I know I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that.”
“No, I’m not mad about that, we were all rooting for you from the start. I’m angry that you’ve gone behind her back. Not only is she heartbroken, but she’s sitting at Slim’s place thinking about you having a threesome with some girls at another clubhouse.”
“What the fuck?” I ask.
“Yeah, she knows. How could you do that to her?”
“I didn’t,” I say, “I swear, nothing happened with any girl. I spent the night outside, smoking with the guy I fought at the Pit.”
“Wait, so you haven’t been with anyone else since Beth?”
“Fuck no! I was at the Diablos Rojos clubhouse, and I wasn’t even interested in any of the girls, all I could think about was Elizabeth. But knowing I’d lost her and that I’d have to move on eventually, I went upstairs with a girl, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it, I ran out of the room. I only want Elizabeth… and now she’s gone.”
