“Donovan,” I say gently, my heart breaking for him all over again. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened with Angel and I. Knowing what I do now, it would never have worked out. Better that it’s ended now instead of further down the line.”
“But if I’d have never come out—”
“I’m glad you came out,” I interrupt, “I love you and I want the best for you. And the best is being able to live openly and loving who you want, and you know, fucking lots of hot guys.” I pause to enjoy the sound of him laughing; we both need this. “I know it’s too soon, but one day, I want to hear all the dirty details of your hot gay sex.”
He laughs some more. “Not yet, but one day, I promise. I reckon you’ll be proud of me.”
“Ooh I will? How exciting! You know, I was so used to telling you stories about the guys I hooked up with at Platinum; it was weird not telling you about Angel…”
“Considering that he’s my brother, it would’ve been weird for me if you had. I’m not particularly thrilled about the idea of hearing what type of lay he is.”
“Hmm, true…” I pause, not sure if I want to tell him the next part or not, but I figure I need to talk to someone about it… “I went to Platinum a few days ago.”
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Mm-hmm.”
“And?”
“I met someone; we went back to his hotel, but I couldn’t do it. His driver ended up taking me back to Slim’s.”
My eyes water, and I pray the tears don’t fall, I’ve cried enough already.
“It does seem a bit soon,” he says, “why did you go in the first place?”
“I overheard Slim and Pretty Boy talking on the phone, they went to meet another club, and Angel… well… you know…”
I can’t bring myself to say it.
“He hooked up with someone else?” he asks.
“Yeah, it sounded like he had a threesome.”
Tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t even bother trying to stop them. I throw the roller in the paint tray and slide to the floor with my phone.
“Fucking asshole,” I hear Donovan mutter through the phone.
“It’s like, it was all I could picture in my head. I felt so angry, the last two months clearly meant nothing to him. I guess… I just wanted to prove it was the same for me. But it wasn’t… it isn’t.”
“Shit, Beth. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I say, “I just… I love him, and I fucking miss him, but I hate that I miss him.”
“Beth,” he says softly, “I know we’re best friends, and we’ll always be best friends—you’re my family. But I don’t want you to miss out on him because of me.”
I sigh. “I already said it’s not because of you. Yes, I hate what he did to you; but even if you weren’t a factor, I can’t be with someone who has those views. I should have never let it get that far with him; I knew the club rule, and I shouldn’t have ignored it. And…”
“And what?”
“Nothing,” I say, not able to bring myself to admit the other reason I can’t be with him anymore, that’s still too painful to think about.
We both sit quietly, letting it all sink in; it’s actually reassuring in itself to hear his soft breathing down the phone.
“Do the rest of the club know about me?” he asks.
“I don’t think so, no one’s said anything about it to me anyway.”
“You think my brother is too ashamed of me to tell them, or is he trying to protect me?”
