Chapter Thirteen
The pain was worsethan anything I had experienced, including being beaten and choked by Marcus. I had been so ecstatic when James had come into the house and finally kissed me. I gave a mental high five that I had finally brought him around, and he saw how great we could be together. We had been frantic and brought each other over in the hallway of his house, surrounded by photographs of generations of his family and it had been HOT. He was a little wild and so fucking needy that I wondered how long it had been since he’d been with another person. Neither one of us lasted long, but I was okay with that because I thought we had all night to explore all the things I wanted to do to him.
I was wrong.
Something about the nasty scar on his side had flipped a switch in James, and he had closed off faster than a mousetrap. I could almost hear the SNAP of his guards slamming back into place. I had felt his walls shoot up to protect himself with such force it was like a physical blow to my abdomen. And then the words started slashing me from all sides.
I can’t do this. Slash to the side.
I can’t take advantage of you.Stab to the gut.
I don’t have anything to give you.Slice to my ribs.
I won’t ever violate your trust again.Deathblow to my heart.
Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
As the tears came to my eyes, I hung my head so he wouldn’t see. I closed my robe and cradled my waist as tight as I could to keep it together until I could be alone. After his words left me a bleeding mess, he left, and I could finally go back to my room and let it all out. I ran to the shower, turned it on the highest temp, and jumped in before it even got warm. As the temperature reached scalding levels, I finally let my tears flow. I cried for my rejection, and for the first time with someone I cared for becoming such a horrible disaster. I cried for the words he’d said and for the loss of possibility.
But as I cried myself out and the water began to cool, I realized that most of my tears weren’t for me. They were for James. That wonderful man thought he was worthless, less than, and undeserving of even a hand job in a hallway, let alone a relationship. Yes, he had been unkind and even a little cruel tonight. But I realized, as I really thought about it, that he had been truly upset by the thought of me wasting my time on someone so unworthy. He thought he was protecting me from him for some reason, and it all boiled down to that scar. Something had happened, and I needed to find out what it was. James’s family kept telling me not to give up, that he might take convincing, and they were right. But if I was going to fight fire with fire, I needed to know where the wildfire had started. I nestled back into my soft bed and pile of pillows that I had because of James’s generous spirit and knew what I needed to do. I needed to know where all of this had started. And I knew just the person to ask.
* * *
The sun streamingthrough the curtains woke me up, and I smiled at the beautiful shadows it created on the ceiling—such a soft, gentle way to wake up. I didn’t have to work today, and no alarm was a treat. I slowly shrugged off my sleep, and then the memories began creeping in, and I couldn’t help the small tear that ran down my cheek into my pillow. My poor James was probably still as upset as I was. I looked over at my phone on the bedside table and saw it was still very early. Maybe if I made him breakfast in bed, we could work through everything this morning, preferably in bed.
I couldn’t contain my smile as I threw on my robe, pulled a brush through my hair, and then pulled it up into a knot. My bangs would never pull back, so I pushed them to the side and left my room to go make a sexy breakfast for James. But, when I walked into the kitchen, I found that I wasn’t the first one up this morning. The coffee pot was already done, there was a plate on the counter, covered with a clean napkin, and there was a notecard propped up in front of it.
This could be nothing but bad news. I was sure of it. The whole scene looked like an apology, and I didn’t want any regret associated with our first time together. But, look how sweet he was, even when he thought he was wrong. God, this man was going to be the death of me with his sweetness and sadness all twisted together. I shuffled over to the counter and gently moved the napkin. The plate was filled with fresh scones, fresh fruit, and a small bowl filled with cinnamon butter. I lifted one of the scones, and they were still warm from the oven. The smell was intoxicating, but I wasn’t touching anything until I read that note.
I moved my hand toward it like it would bite me, laying it flat on the granite countertop and opening the card out flat with my fingers.
Ethan,
I am so sorry for everything. I had no right to take advantage of you last night. I promised you there would be no strings. That’s still true. I want you to feel safe in my home,and I’m afraid you won’t feel that way if I’m here. I’m going to head to my fishing cabin for a few days. I know breakfast is a poor apology, but I hope you’ll take it as my sincere apology for overstepping my bounds with you.
Hopefully still your friend,
James
My fingers trembledon the note as I read his words. Then I picked it up and crushed it with all of my strength. How dare he think I would ever think last night was about obligation and strings? Now I was pissed. I dug into the scones and butter, ripping into the tender pastry with my teeth. I had been taking the wrong tack with James. I could see that now. He thought I was wounded, in need of rescue, because of the Marcus situation.
Yes, I had been in trouble, but I had been taking care of myself for years. I was in charge of my destiny, and I was no one’s needy obligation, goddammit! I was determined to change it all up. I had a few days to get my head straight, find out everything I needed to know and get my plan into motion. But I needed to talk to Remy first.
Ethan:Remy, I need to talk to you this morning. Jayis gone,and I need to find out what’s going on.
I finished off the fruit and several of the scones, which turned out to be fresh blueberry and were delicious. I couldn’t enjoy them like I normally would though. My stomach was in knots, wondering about what I would find out when I finally talked to Remy. It took much longer for me to get a response than I thought. At least thirty minutes had elapsed before I heard the garage door opening and a minute after that, a more disheveled than usual Remy walked through the door followed closely by Rhett.
“Oh, shit, Rhett, he made the blueberry scones. It’s worse than we thought.”
“Holy, hell.” Rhett sat down heavily on the barstool next to me at the island. “He even made the cinnamon butter.”
Remy shook his head and ran his tattooed hands through his thick hair. I noticed he’d put rings on every finger today. I had seen him wear one or two, but never handfuls and wondered if it was significant. Even with the fingers through it, his hair was still all over the place, his tee was wrinkled, and his jeans were ripped and hung low since he’d forgotten a belt. With interest, I noticed there was no underwear that I could see. I had to give my mind a little shake to get it back onto the conversation still going on around me.
“It’s serious when he brings out those two together. Ethan, what happened last night? What did you say to him? You said he was gone, what did you do?” Remy’s accusations, although obviously coming from a place of love and protection, just pissed me the fuck off even more. Even if I was sitting here in a bathrobe, I wasn’t letting him intimidate me.
“Listen here, asshole. I didn’t do or say anything, so back the fuck off. We had a moment last night that I have been waiting for what seems like forever, and then I asked him about the scar on his side since I could feel it during our…encounter. He freaked the fuck out and closed down tighter than a submarine. I thought about talking to him this morning, but he was gone before I got up. All he left was breakfast and this note.”
I jabbed my middle finger into the crumpled note on the counter hard enough to make my knuckle go white and slid the note in Remy’s direction, never losing eye contact with him.
