‘I did indeed,’ she agreed. ‘And humble. Very humble.’
‘You’re so right. Carry on.’
‘Part of me, the part that was convinced she was my sister, was really envious that she seemed to skip through life having a blast, while I was dealing with my mum and all the crap caused by my dad leaving. It sounds pathetic now, but it just didn’t seem fair.’
‘No one’s life is that perfect,’ Cammy said, flicking on cruise control and letting the car take over now that the traffic had almost disappeared and it was pretty much a straight road past Stirling and on to Perth. ‘I think she just became really good at putting on an act. Certainly fooled me. I thought we were really happy and she wanted the same things I want. Eh,wanted,’ he corrected himself.
She picked up on it. ‘Maybe you shouldn’t give up. Maybe she just got a shock, and bolted because she felt like she was put on the spot.’
‘Trust me, Lila isn’t the type of person to bolt when she’s centre stage. She’s more likely to take a bow and demand a standing ovation. If she loved me at all, she’d have said yes, and lapped up the congratulations and good wishes. The whole thing would have been on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat by now and she’d be fielding calls from shops offering her discounts on wedding dresses.’
Despite the harsh words, he hoped he didn’t sound bitter, because he genuinely didn’t feel it. It was beyond strange. There was no anger, no disbelief, no regret… just an overwhelming feeling that it wasn’t right. Wouldn’t have worked. Why the hell hadn’t he had this feeling this morning and then he’d have had time to call the whole thing off?
‘I was in love with someone else.’ It was out before he even realised that he’d said it, and in his peripheral vision he could see that she was staring at him now, eyes wide with surprise. ‘I think Lila wasn’t the only one trying to fill a hole in her life. I think maybe I was too. Shit. Sorry. You’re the first person I’ve admitted that to.’ Oddly, it felt good to say it and what the hell, he had about two hundred miles to travel and then he’d never see this girl again.
‘Another girlfriend? Don’t tell me you were being unfaithful too. Oh for God’s sake can no one just stick with one person and…’ Her fury took him aback.
‘No, no, no!’ he blustered. ‘I wasn’t unfaithful, I was talking about someone I knew a long time before I met Lila.’
‘Thank God, because otherwise I was getting out and hitching a lift on the next truck that passed this way. And when that happens onCriminal Minds, the female always ends up dead in a ditch.’
He laughed, thinking this was surreal. One of the worst nights of both their lives and they were still having moments of levity. He didn’t understand it but he was going with it because otherwise it was going to be a long drive to Aberdeen.
‘This is surreal,’ she said, plucking the word right out of his mind.
‘That’s exactly what I was just thinking,’ he agreed, realising the fact that they were both thinking the same thing at the same time made it even more surreal.
‘So who were you in love with?’ she went on.
The words almost got stuck in Cammy’s throat. ‘Her name is Mel. I worked with her for ten years, when she owned theshop that I own now. I loved her from the day I met her, but she was married. A few years later, she split from her husband, and I told her how I felt. There was something between us for about a minute; until she found out I’d been seeing her best mate. Her married best mate. Who was also her sister-in-law. Please don’t try to jump out of the car. It was a long time ago. I’ve learned my lesson and, in my defence, it wasn’t me who was being unfaithful.’
‘I’ve got one hand on the door handle,’ Caro replied, but her expression said she wasn’t serious. ‘Go on.’
‘That’s pretty much it. I blew it. Mel wanted nothing to do with me, so I upped and left and went to LA, Mel met someone else, married him and they’re really happy, living abroad. Oh, and in this world of imperfect lives, they’re the only ones living in a little bubble of perfection. Did I sound bitter there?’
‘A little,’ she said, holding her thumb and index finger about an inch apart, in front of her tear-stained face.
‘Thought so. Probably because I am. I can’t help myself,’ he said, with a rueful grin. ‘Anyway, in L.A., I thought for a moment that I had fallen in love with my best friend, Stacey. She’s lovely, but that didn’t come to anything. Then I came back about six months ago and the rest is history…’
‘That’s how long you’ve known Lila?’ she asked, surprised. ‘It’s just, with the engagement, I figured you two had been together a long time.’
‘Nope, it was a bit of a spontaneous thing. I thought Lila really wanted to get married so I decided to make it happen. And also she just seemed so happy and gorgeous, and the complete opposite of Mel in so many ways… not that Mel wasn’t happy and gorgeous because she was! But Mel hated being the centre of attention, she was all about heart and friends and she was the most content and truly decent person I’ve ever met. Maybe I just thought Lila was so larger than life that she would block Mel out of my head.’
‘And did she?’
‘No. She’s all I’ve thought about all day today, even when I was picking up the ring, planning the dinner, choosing a suit… all day. It’s not because I want her back, because that ship has sailed, it’s just because I think I knew that was how I should be feeling about Lila. Val and Josie knew it too. That’s why they didn’t want me to marry Lila. Well, that and the fact that they thought she was a “vain, self-centred, humourless, cold pain in the arse who never thought about anyone but herself”. That’s a direct quote from Josie. I argued every time anyone criticised her because I was sure I was in love with her but I guess the fact that I’m not destroyed that she said “no” proves something.’
‘Maybe you’ll have a delayed reaction.’
‘I don’t think so. I think I just feel… relief. See, this is why I began this conversation with an admission that I’m bollocks at emotional stuff.’
‘You’re getting no argument from me. You really are abysmal,’ she said, making him smile again. ‘Why do you think she didn’t say “yes”?’ she asked.
He shrugged. ‘I have no idea. Maybe she knew it wasn’t right too. Maybe she didn’t love me to start with. She said she did, but we’ve already ascertained that she’s great at creating illusions. The strange thing is, she’d cooled off in the last few weeks and I thought it was because she wanted me to make a commitment. I obviously had that all completely wrong too. I shouldn’t be allowed to make any relationship decisions or assumptions without the presence of a professional.’
That thought should sting, shouldn’t it? Yet, it didn’t. Josie and Val would have a field day with all this stuff. They’d be analysing him until the end of time.
Her phone rang then, halting the baring of his soul, and she answered it immediately, again she flicked it on to speaker because the device was still in the charging cradle.
