Sophie was...incredible.
Not that Elise isn't good too, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Elise is fun, Elise is energetic, Elise is drop-dead gorgeous.
She's Boston-born and bred, coming from a very rich family with a former pageant queen mother and a politician father. She's more materialistic than Sophie. She likes shiny things. She likes eating at expensive restaurants, which is causing a bit of a dent in my wallet.
I glance down at the necklace on her naked chest, small and heart-shaped. A little like the one I had given Sophie. We had walked around town two nights ago after dinner, and Elise had seen it in a store window. I had bought it for her because she wanted it, and I wanted to give it to her. It felt right.
Then she made me come in her mouth. Twice. It was fun. It was nice. It was what I needed right now.
I needed fun after months of drowning, and Elise could always come up with something to do. She always wants to go out, see people, talk to people, and be seen. She seems to have endless energy, and while it's been a little complicated to keep up, it's been distracting. If my mind stops going for even one minute, I'm terrified I'll spiral.
I've also been working more, taking on additional projects and logging overtime. I'm the first one in and the last one out. Elise thinks I'm still processing. I don't even think I've begun.
At night, I come home—here—to Elise's apartment, work some more while Elise goes to pilates, then we have dinnerand fuck until we pass out. Routine. Easy. Comfortable. Well, comfortable until I run into the roommate, Rhea.
According to Elise, she and Rhea aren't friends. The roommate situation is more out of financial desperation. Rhea’s a tattoo artist who works crazy hours and travels, so we don’t see her that much. It’s nice, Elise and I are able to exist in our own little world. And I’ve been trying to keep my hands and mind busy to distract me.
Distract me from the fact that my mom said she was ashamed of me. Distract me from the last text my father sent expressing his disappointment in breaking both Sophie's and my mother's hearts.
Distract me from the situations I've put myself in willingly because I am a coward.
Distract me from my affair with Elise.
Affair.The word tastes dirty. Being together, really being together, was something we had talked about in the beginning. It was her more than me, because I had only considered this to be a momentary escape, not a permanent one.
And then the more doctors appointments and more scary words. That one stupid night I stayed up late searching for mastectomy scars and long-term effects from breast cancer.
It was easy to allow myself to escape into the fantasy Elise had been crafting for a cancer-free, worry-free life. A fantasy of us being together fully.
A fantasy of leaving Sophie because that was the right thing to do, since I was cheating on her. I would free both Sophie and me from the shackles of this relationship. I would free myself from this fight against cancer, which I was wholly unprepared for.
I did the one thing she would never forgive me for, and I can’t think about it anymore without my stomach twisting itself into an agonizing knot.
Tomorrow is Sophie's thirtieth birthday, the first one wewon't spend together in six years.
Sophie.
I have no right to know, not after what I've done, but still... I wonder how she's doing, how the treatment is going.
If she's facing any side effects, nausea, fatigue… hair loss.
Then I quickly change my thoughts again because the thought of Sophie sick and bald and breastless and wasting away makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.
She didn't deserve this to happen to her.
And I was too weak to stick around and help her.
At least I can acknowledge my own weakness. That's something, right?
Elise shifts beside me, hiking her leg over my hip and grinding into me, drawing me back to the present. I can feel the damp heat between her legs. Her skin is warm, faintly scented with her expensive perfume, her nails lightly grazing down my stomach.
Usually, I'd be up and ready to go, partly out of distraction and partly because I'm chasing that feeling that hasn't returned since I was still with Sophie.
I gently catch her hand, not even in the mood, and then cringe when I think about last night.
Brian and Chris had texted me, wanting to meet up for drinks, and said Adriana and Maude, their girlfriends, were off work and would be there too.
