This helped tremendously with easing some guilt that I had, with the feelings of failure that would arise when I would take a test and it would come back negative. I know Callum wanted a baby, specifically only with me, as he says all the time, but he would be happy with being the best aunt and uncle we can be to the kids in our family.
He always knows just what to say.
“No, everything seems fine. My period has been irregular lately, but it’s been like that ever since I finished chemo,” I say casually, “I’ve been thinking about going back on birth control.”
Dr. Ramirez pulls on a pair of gloves, sits in her chair, rolls over to the exam table, and then gently lifts the blanket to examine me. I wince as she probes and pokes and prods, asusual, before snapping off her gloves and tossing them in the trash.
She pulls the blanket down over my legs and moves up to stand at my hip, opening my gown to access my abdomen.
“How have your cycles been?”
“Irregular,” I shrug, the sheet crinkling below me from the movement. “But they’ve been like that ever since chemo. I thought by now it would be regulated, but maybe birth control would help it?”
She gently presses on my lower abdomen and then pauses, brows knitting together.
“When was your last period?”
“Two..." I frown, trying to think about the last time I bought pads. Around Valentine's Day, I think. I got my period right on the romantic holiday and thought the color red was appropriate. It was like the lack of frequency made my body angry, and it took it out on me, with painful cramps and fatigue.
Thankfully, Callum was used to this by now and bought me my favorite chocolate-hazelnut candy, then placed his big, warm hand on my tummy like a human heating pad. “Or three months ago..."
“And you’re sexually active?”
I blush and mutter, “Very..."
Her eyes widen slightly as they move left to right, like she’s in another world, reading something only she can see.
“Dr. Ramirez?”
She blinks rapidly and straightens. “Would you mind if I did a quick ultrasound? Just to check something.”
Cold fear slices up my spine.
“No, I wouldn’t mind..." I whisper. “But, is something wrong?”
Oh, God, is it back? Is something wrong? Did the cancer linger in my body and affect my ovaries now, and that’s why Ican’t get pregnant? Did she feel a tumor?
“I just want to take a look,” she says, patting my arm.
My mind goes into catastrophizing mode as she wheels over the portable ultrasound machine and lifts up my gown over my belly. My heart is slamming in my chest, and I don’t even react as she applies the cold gel and then uses the wand, pressing down as her eyes eagerly track over the screen.
Please don’t be cancer... please not again...
“Well, Sophie,” she starts, her voice a little breathless and her eyes soft as she looks from the screen to me. “I can’t give you birth control, because you’re already pregnant.”
My entire body goes still as I try to make sense of her words. Pregnant. Already pregnant.
“I’m..." I whisper, shaking my head, not daring to hope but wanting it to be true. It’s not until Dr. Ramirez turns the screen toward me that I allow myself to believe it. “Sophie, you’re pregnant.”
“I’m pregnant?”
“How is that possible? I haven’t had any morning sickness, breast soreness, or... I haven’t even gained that much weight!”
“Some of my patients don’t experience any morning sickness or soreness. Some really don’t even start showing until their six months along,” Dr. Ramirez soothes me. “Everyone’s experience is so different, and... maybe the universe is cutting you a break after what you went through.”
“You’re sure that I’m pregnant,” I say, my hands twitching to hold my belly, hope burning inside of me. “Callum and I are having a baby?”
Dr. Ramirez smiles, then flips a switch on the machine. “I’ll let this answer that question.”
