"Whenever Sophie would do things for me—cooking, cleaning something of mine—she would tell me with a small smile, like she was waiting for something. I would thank her... kiss the fuck out of her," I smile at the thought, remembering her sweetgiggles against my mouth. "And she would beam so bright. It made her happy to do those things for me."
"What do you think your love language is?"
"Physical touch," I answer immediately.
Dr. Forseti's face twists at that answer.
"What were your other relationships like?"
"They were all... physical. Nothing real. Sophie was the first woman I ever connected with. I couldn't believe how lucky I was when I met her. She was the full package—beauty, brains, funny, kind, great in bed—" I wince at that, and Dr. Forseti's face doesn't move, just keeps looking at me in that way, almost encouraging.
I take a deep breath and continue, "I felt a little off balance when we started dating, but she let me get my bearings. Everything just seemed to work out easily. She got a job in Boston and moved to Starling Cove with me, and we settled into my hometown. All my friends liked her, my family adores her—still does—and the town embraced her. We were building a life together. She was just so easy to be with."
"And was it easy because of who Sophie is?" she asks, voice calm. "Or because she was carrying most of the mental load?"
My silence is the answer, and Dr. Forseti nods her head in understanding.
"I don't know how I didn't realize... I don't know how I let her carry it without realizing we were cracking. She was always so strong and composed. She would bring up issues, and I would listen—or, I thought I listened because the issue would never be brought up again. I had thought we had resolved them."
The memories flash across my eyes—Sophie reminding me to schedule a doctor's appointment, and then doing it for me. When Sophie asked me to call the dealership to schedule maintenance, she just did it for me when I didn’t. When Sophiereminded me to pick up a birthday card for my mom, she ran out to the store when I forgot.
"But I think she was the one who adjusted to fix it, not me," I choke out. "She would just do it herself."
"You said she had a more difficult childhood, right? Her parents were neglectful?"
"Yeah, she was a... an accident, she said. They paid more attention to her older sister."
"I think that might have just been conditioned in her," Dr. Forseti shrugs, "To make a feast out of a basic meal."
"How did I not see?" I whisper, my voice hoarse.
"Sometimes these cracks start so microscopic that they're not even able to be noticed until they become too big to be ignored. Most men say that physical touch is their love language because sex is, in most cases, more important to men. Did you guys have a good sex life? Was it equal?"
"Yeah, we had a... a great sex life," I tell her truthfully, shifting in my seat when I think of our times together in the past. Sophie was an incredible lover. "The best sex I ever had, if we're being honest, and that includes Elise. It was the thrill with Elise. With Sophie, it was the whole woman."
"And after she brought up these issues she had, would you initiate sex?" Her face is more knowing when she asks this, and I can feel myself pale. "Sometimes, people can use sex as a band-aid. As a way to smooth over issues or forget about them entirely."
When someone reads you like that, it's jarring and makes you feel completely exposed. Because, yes, I usually just initiated sex as a way to help Sophie forget about her stressors, her worries. Then the problem would magically be solved, not because of any change on my end. But because I made her come and helped her forget for a bit, she was able to resolve her issue.
My throat turns to sandpaper when I answer, "I thought itwas a way to make her feel better. I think it was just because I felt better after. I could say, 'Well, we just had sex, so we're obviously still good as a couple.'"
"That's common," Dr. Forseti nods her head, "Couples sometimes use sex as a way to solve issues, but it's an escape. A toxic pattern, and after, you feel good, so the issue is settled, but growth is painful and uncomfortable sometimes."
I nod my head, agreeing with her but feeling two-feet-tall.
"Do you see your pattern, Paul?" she asks gently. "The avoidance? The enabling?"
"Yeah," I scrub my hands down my face, feeling completely drained. "I see it now."
???
"Please, hear me out—"
"Oh, forfuckssake!" Maude snaps, slamming her glass down on the table.
Adriana flinches at the noise, and her eyes are wide as she glances back and forth between Chris and me. Brian wraps an arm around Maude's shoulders, anchoring her to him because she looks seconds from using those sharp daggers she calls nails to claw my eyes out. It would be deserved, and I would probably let her.
It's Saturday, college football is on, soHauntsis packed and roaring. I don't know if it was because of the therapy session or because I was so tired of being lonely, but I suddenly found myself searching for a parking spot and walking into the bar before I could second-guess myself. If only to get out of my parents' house.
