Consuming.
And Elise... Elise was just there all the time at work. She was light and flirtatious and nothing real. She didn't ask me for anything emotionally. It was fun talking to her about easy things, about innocuous nonsense. Refreshing after the serious talks I would have with Sophie about life, future mortgages, and bills.
And, well, Elise was hot, charming, and fresh. We walked around City Hall, and people looked at her with lust and me with envy...
Well, it felt good to be that guy.
I consumed that too.
I had the best of both worlds—a gorgeous woman clinging onto me at work, and another gorgeous woman in my bed at night—I had my cake, and I ate it too.
And then the cancer scare happened, and I found out who I really was. How big a coward I could be. I couldn't be bothered to fucking hang around for the woman I loved. Decided it was easier to be a scared little shit than be brave for my future wife, who was about to battle a terrible sickness.
In sickness and in health...
And now, as she battles the said sickness, she seems to be conquering it.
With the help of new friends, of my family—
With the help ofCallum.
The image of them kissing flashes across my eyes, and I momentarily feel sick.
"Granted, I'm only hearing your side," Dr. Forseti says softly, "but from what you've shared, there seems to have been an imbalance."
"There was," my voice cracks, my eyes stinging. "I just... Ithought I was a good fiancé. I really thought I was."
"Paul, I think the cracks were there before the cancer." Dr. Forseti says, her voice gentle. "I believe you loved her. She sounds easy to love. But perhaps you loved her in the way you needed love—not in the way she needed it."
I nod my head, agreeing. She was so easy to love because... well, she didn't really ask me for much. She was incredibly capable and independent, taking care of things on her own and standing on her own two feet. I know how important that was to her, not to rely on or need anyone unless necessary. I know she loved me, wanted me around, and took care of me.
But when she finally needed me...
"You had an emotional affair before it became physical," she states clearly, and hearing it causes me to flinch because it's the truth. "That shows me that cracks were already there. Before Elise."
The name makes me sick.
Taking a deep breath to clear the nausea, I let it all out. "I was sharing personal information with someone who wasn't the woman I love, I was looking at someone who wasn't my fiancée, I was enjoying spending time with another woman."
Dr. Forseti nods encouragingly at me, giving me the motivation to continue. "I just thought it was harmless, but it was opening a door that I sprinted through at the first sign of trouble. The fucking affair. Elise. It gave me a guilt-free escape. So that I could say that Sophie broke up with me, so that I could soothe my own conscience. Or maybe even shift the blame to Elise. She's hot, and she seduced me, so how could I resist? How could any red-blooded man resist?"
I press my palms into my eyes, clenching my jaw to force the tears back. Tears of frustration, of anger, at myself.My cowardice. My stupidity. My inability to think about the consequences before I take action.
I growl out, my whole body shaking. "Fuck! It's not true—I cheated on Sophie.Me. I did.No one else chose that but me."
A small, but true smile spreads across Dr. Forseti's face, almost like pride.
And God, if I don't feel slightly lighter at the admission, at the truth laid out on the table.
"I think you two had a good relationship... but people change, people get sick, people grow as people and grow in different directions."
"I just... I don't get it. Why would I do this? To Sophie. She was... what iswrongwith me? I thought I was happy. I was happy..."
"I think we've reached the fact that you can sit in what you did, you can admit it clearly, and you've taken ownership of your mistake. Now, we need to find the why. For this, you will need to be completely honest with yourself.Completely, Paul. When you understand the why, it's easy to recognize it in the future. So... are you ready to be honest with yourself?"
"Yes," I huff a dry laugh. "I think I finally am. I do genuinely believe we were happy. Sure, we argued, I snapped at her, she snapped at me. Like all couples, dating Sophie was just so easy. She would do anything for me—did everything for me. I just thought... that was like her love language."
"Acts of service?" she asks, and I nod my head. "Love languages aren't scientifically accurate, but they can be a good framework for how our partner wants to be treated and loved."
